This one arose from the "Building a Hit" course on Frettie - one of the audience participation parts was think of what song might go with "What You Don't Know" and I got this idea. I wrote it, but then after writing it changed it from "you" to "she" (though "he" will work as well) so that the song wasn't directed at the listener 
This time around, had to add in a solo as haven't done that in a bit, and had fun with some "angry bass"!
Any and all feedback welcome!
Oooh this is fascinating, ty! I never get discouraged, except when I don’t like my own work, which does happen now and then
I hope others join in, as I super interested in how people view the character! Would it make any difference if this was a woman singing, which is really what I have in my head for it?
I wanted a revenge song for sure, but rather than do something illegal, violent and irrational (like smash up someone’s car, as in another well-known revenge song lol), the person does nothing wrong, and acts in calculated manner with no violence, yet still gets their revenge.
I’d love to know if others also see this as unbelievable or not too
I think I may adjust the song though, to include somewhere that this is not the first time the cheater has done the cheating. Would that modify how believable the character sounds? Perhaps the first two times he was angry, perhaps he tried to talk it out (not going to go into that here, just set up that it isn’t the first), and now this is what she/he does.
I know a couple of people, myself included, who have done something similar when betrayed, but yet, always multiple times - I hit a point of being done with one situation, and only announced I was out of there AFTER I was already out of there, having set up a new place to live and so forth, acting as if everything was normal until I was sure I was good and gone. Wasn’t a cheating spouse scenario I admit, but it is part of why I didn’t feel the character was unrealistic - which is why I wonder if a mention of it not being the first time (and / or a woman singing) would change how relatable the character is?
Sorry this is so long, I found it very interesting, and having a character people can believe is important for a story (whether that’s a novel or a song), so I’d love to hear more about it!
Cheers!
Tom
February 15, 2018
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I like where this is headed. I agree with Frank that I don’t think I could conceal the cheat. However, I do know that some people do stay with people who cheat on them, so that being said, maybe it would be cool to rework the lyrics after verse 1 as someone who knows but chooses to stay? I still love what you have done though… so don’t change it if you don’t want to. 
February 20, 2018
Thanks Lisa! I did rework it a bit - that he’s been through this before, done some begging and pleading, things ain’t working, so this time he’s just preparing and is off realising that pleading again will do no good - well I hope anyway
I changed most everything mentioned here, except the message about “smile like it’s alright, while you plan and then get out” - after thought I realized that was the purpose of the song, to say you can get your revenge, but can do that in a way that is just and fair. Hard, but no-one can fault you, and you didn’t resort to violence, even if that was just violence against property like in other revenge songs
It was just something I wanted to say, so that I didn’t change as it was important to me personally - hopefully though the little bit of extra context from a changed verse 2 will make it sound less unbelievable!
Thanks all for listening, and more so for taking the time to give pointers! SO appreciated! New one is here for anyone that wants to listen: http://frettie.com/add_feedback/1800
February 20, 2018
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Hi Tommy,
I really like the lyrics and message of the song!
I agree with Frank R. that it would be good if you had more contrast between the verses and the chorus. As he said, make the melody line higher, change up the chords, etc.
Very cool song!
July 30, 2018
BTW, I am a guitar player and really liked your solo, but I do agree, most people are not like us and I would cut it back too.
July 30, 2018
Cheers Reid! There is a reworked version with shorter solo hiding on Frettie, but adding more for the chorus (harmony, higher melody, extra instrument, or something) is something I haven’t tackled… yet! But I do plan on getting back to this one and reworking it a bit to try and incorporate the good advice from the feedback from here!
August 06, 2018
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My only feedback on the lyrics/message is that Brent B. and most all hit songwriters teach that we should strive to write songs with a positive message that make people feel good after hearing it.
I don’t think your lyrics/message qualify in this regard. But…I’m not saying it’s a bad song or you shouldn’t run with it, I mean think about “Lyin’ Eyes” by the Eagles, one of my favorite songs and the very first song I learned how to play on guitar in high school.
August 06, 2018
Yep! That said, the song is written for a specific reason - there are a couple of hits of the “They have cheated on you, so smash up their car / kill them with undetectable poison” and this one I wrote as kind of an answer to that kind of song lol - you can still be strong and “take revenge” on a bad person just by getting your stuff together and walking away, without any sort of violence. So to my mind, it was quite a positive message, in comparison
But it does seem to have creeped people out in a way that the hits don’t, so maybe it doesn’t work as intended! Live and learn as they say I still plan to revisit and try and punch up the chorus, but those will be musical rather than thematic changes, I guess I just feel the need to put the alternative view out there (one of those “written because I feel it” rather than “written to be a hit” ones I guess!)
And Lyin’ Eyes is an awesome song, I do love me some Eagles!
August 06, 2018
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Oops forgot, smiley’s don’t work, ack! You can kinda see where they would have gone had I written them like this : ) instead!
August 06, 2018
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VERSE 1
When she comes back from work
I still kiss her welcome home
Can't reveal the secret I conceal
When we're laying in our bed
I hold her close til she falls asleep
Like I love her still and I always will
CHORUS
What she don't know is that I know
I know where she's been, what she's been up to
I know his name, I know where he lives
The real sad thing is
That she thinks she fools me
Oh she'll find out that I found out when I'm good and ready to tell
But until then
She don't know, that I know
VERSE 2
Suitcase packed in the trunk of my car
And I got a second bank account
I'm all set to take flight once the time is right
I guess they'll repossess the house
More bills to pay than she can count
I'll leave her in that mess, don't need to hear her confess
CHORUS
What she don't know is that I know
I know where she's been, what she's been up to
I know his name, I know where he lives
The real sad thing is
That she thinks she fools me
She'll find out that I found out when I'm good and ready to tell
But until then
She don't know, that I know
BRIDGE 1
She thinks the wool's pulled over my eyes
So she don't see the wolf that's hidin' inside
SOLO
BRIDGE 2
And I won't wait to say goodbye
Waking alone will be her big surprise
CHORUS
What she don't know is that I know
I know where she's been, what she's been up to
I know his name, I know where he lives
The real sad thing is
That she thinks she fools me
She'll find out that I found out when I'm good and ready to tell
But until then
She don't know, that I know
1
Hi Tommy, that is a nice idea. To make it a hit song you may have to work a little on it. If I have been cheated on and I know it, I couldn’t act as nothing has happened, and I guess no-one could, this is hard to relate to and it sounds a bit psychopathic. (or is it your intention to show us a psychopathic character? - Than you must make it more clear) I think you should tell this more subtle, maybe in the way that you still love her and you don’t want to tell her that you know what she does because you hope she comes back to you and you try even harder to show your love to make her feel bad about what she did.
The chorus could be more outstanding, you can do that by singing higher notes and/or hold the notes longer and make it more melodious. I would shorten the guitar solo by half. No one wants to hear long guitar solos - maybe except guitar players and you really don’t need two bridges. I hope my comments are helpful and not discouraging.
February 15, 2018
0
Oooh this is fascinating, ty! I never get discouraged, except when I don’t like my own work, which does happen now and then
I hope others join in, as I super interested in how people view the character! Would it make any difference if this was a woman singing, which is really what I have in my head for it?
I wanted a revenge song for sure, but rather than do something illegal, violent and irrational (like smash up someone’s car, as in another well-known revenge song lol), the person does nothing wrong, and acts in calculated manner with no violence, yet still gets their revenge.
I’d love to know if others also see this as unbelievable or not too
I think I may adjust the song though, to include somewhere that this is not the first time the cheater has done the cheating. Would that modify how believable the character sounds? Perhaps the first two times he was angry, perhaps he tried to talk it out (not going to go into that here, just set up that it isn’t the first), and now this is what she/he does.
I know a couple of people, myself included, who have done something similar when betrayed, but yet, always multiple times - I hit a point of being done with one situation, and only announced I was out of there AFTER I was already out of there, having set up a new place to live and so forth, acting as if everything was normal until I was sure I was good and gone. Wasn’t a cheating spouse scenario I admit, but it is part of why I didn’t feel the character was unrealistic - which is why I wonder if a mention of it not being the first time (and / or a woman singing) would change how relatable the character is?
Sorry this is so long, I found it very interesting, and having a character people can believe is important for a story (whether that’s a novel or a song), so I’d love to hear more about it!
Cheers!
Tom
February 15, 2018
1
I like where this is headed. I agree with Frank that I don’t think I could conceal the cheat. However, I do know that some people do stay with people who cheat on them, so that being said, maybe it would be cool to rework the lyrics after verse 1 as someone who knows but chooses to stay? I still love what you have done though… so don’t change it if you don’t want to.
February 20, 2018
0
Thanks Lisa! I did rework it a bit - that he’s been through this before, done some begging and pleading, things ain’t working, so this time he’s just preparing and is off realising that pleading again will do no good - well I hope anyway
I changed most everything mentioned here, except the message about “smile like it’s alright, while you plan and then get out” - after thought I realized that was the purpose of the song, to say you can get your revenge, but can do that in a way that is just and fair. Hard, but no-one can fault you, and you didn’t resort to violence, even if that was just violence against property like in other revenge songs
It was just something I wanted to say, so that I didn’t change as it was important to me personally - hopefully though the little bit of extra context from a changed verse 2 will make it sound less unbelievable!
Thanks all for listening, and more so for taking the time to give pointers! SO appreciated! New one is here for anyone that wants to listen: http://frettie.com/add_feedback/1800
February 20, 2018
1
Hi Tommy,
I really like the lyrics and message of the song!
I agree with Frank R. that it would be good if you had more contrast between the verses and the chorus. As he said, make the melody line higher, change up the chords, etc.
Very cool song!
July 30, 2018
1
BTW, I am a guitar player and really liked your solo, but I do agree, most people are not like us and I would cut it back too.
July 30, 2018
0
Cheers Reid! There is a reworked version with shorter solo hiding on Frettie, but adding more for the chorus (harmony, higher melody, extra instrument, or something) is something I haven’t tackled… yet! But I do plan on getting back to this one and reworking it a bit to try and incorporate the good advice from the feedback from here!
August 06, 2018
1
My only feedback on the lyrics/message is that Brent B. and most all hit songwriters teach that we should strive to write songs with a positive message that make people feel good after hearing it.
I don’t think your lyrics/message qualify in this regard. But…I’m not saying it’s a bad song or you shouldn’t run with it, I mean think about “Lyin’ Eyes” by the Eagles, one of my favorite songs and the very first song I learned how to play on guitar in high school.
August 06, 2018
0
Yep! That said, the song is written for a specific reason - there are a couple of hits of the “They have cheated on you, so smash up their car / kill them with undetectable poison” and this one I wrote as kind of an answer to that kind of song lol - you can still be strong and “take revenge” on a bad person just by getting your stuff together and walking away, without any sort of violence. So to my mind, it was quite a positive message, in comparison
But it does seem to have creeped people out in a way that the hits don’t, so maybe it doesn’t work as intended! Live and learn as they say I still plan to revisit and try and punch up the chorus, but those will be musical rather than thematic changes, I guess I just feel the need to put the alternative view out there (one of those “written because I feel it” rather than “written to be a hit” ones I guess!)
And Lyin’ Eyes is an awesome song, I do love me some Eagles!
August 06, 2018
0
Oops forgot, smiley’s don’t work, ack! You can kinda see where they would have gone had I written them like this : ) instead!
August 06, 2018
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Frank Renfordt
Hi Tommy, that is a nice idea. To make it a hit song you may have to work a little on it. If I have been cheated on and I know it, I couldn’t act as nothing has happened, and I guess no-one could, this is hard to relate to and it sounds a bit psychopathic. (or is it your intention to show us a psychopathic character? - Than you must make it more clear) I think you should tell this more subtle, maybe in the way that you still love her and you don’t want to tell her that you know what she does because you hope she comes back to you and you try even harder to show your love to make her feel bad about what she did.
The chorus could be more outstanding, you can do that by singing higher notes and/or hold the notes longer and make it more melodious. I would shorten the guitar solo by half. No one wants to hear long guitar solos - maybe except guitar players and you really don’t need two bridges. I hope my comments are helpful and not discouraging.
February 15, 2018