Religion and apathy are not mutually exclusive. Been thinking a lot about that.
I don't know. I'm just going to keep posting 3am ideas I have on here I think...
I like the style, theme, and melody, though like Dennis said, it needs more interesting changes thrown in.
If you haven’t made any lyric changes yet, I have some suggestions (trying my best to keep your singing meter):
1st verse = great
2nd verse:
While you were cleansing your spirit, I was drinking mine down.
I glad to hear you say you were lost but now found.
But now I’m lost without you, if you haven’t figured that out.
You put the pious on pillars. Now make them explain
How the rest of us sinners get left in the rain.
I try looking to heaven, but can’t see too far past my pain.
When we look in our hearts I see the look on your face.
What if the look in our eyes is still a look of disgrace.
Can’t we look for a common ground here on this island we’ve made?
Maybe the nudge that I’m needing is ever so small,
And my world that can seem like it won’t change at all,
Would start leaning, believing, til over the edge it’ll fall.
(I feel like I’m just arranging and editing your words, so please count them all as yours - all credit to you.)
December 19, 2013
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It was late in the evening, maybe spring or the fall
my phone it was ringing, didn’t answer the call
All I was thinking is maybe I should sit this one out.
While you were cleansing your spirit, I was drinking mine down.
I’m so happy that you have finally been found,
but I’m still lost without you haven’t you figured that out
let’s put the pious on pillars and make them explain
how the rest of us sinners can be left in the rain
cuz I’m lookin for heaven but coming up so vain
When we should look in our hearts, but it’s a look on the face
with lifted eyebrows and words like discrace
can’t we find a middle ground on this island we made
Because all it ever took was the smallest knudge
and a world that seemed like it would never budge
Falls over the edge, without a word to be said
It was late in the evening, maybe summer or fall
my phone it was ringing, didn’t answer the call
All I was thinking is maybe I should sit this one out.
0
I like the 3 am ideas. Keep them coming. With the community feedback they can go in a ton of cool directions.
As far as my feedback goes. You have some really cool lines in here. The first 3 verses I like a lot. To me they pull me into the story but right after the 3rd verse, I think that would be the time you would want to include something that changes it up some. After that, I started to just lose the interest. I love some of the lines though.
“While you were chasing your spirits, I was drinking mine down” That hooked me!
I’d love to see how this continues to develop.
December 19, 2013
0
I like the style, theme, and melody, though like Dennis said, it needs more interesting changes thrown in.
If you haven’t made any lyric changes yet, I have some suggestions (trying my best to keep your singing meter):
1st verse = great
2nd verse:
While you were cleansing your spirit, I was drinking mine down.
I glad to hear you say you were lost but now found.
But now I’m lost without you, if you haven’t figured that out.
You put the pious on pillars. Now make them explain
How the rest of us sinners get left in the rain.
I try looking to heaven, but can’t see too far past my pain.
When we look in our hearts I see the look on your face.
What if the look in our eyes is still a look of disgrace.
Can’t we look for a common ground here on this island we’ve made?
Maybe the nudge that I’m needing is ever so small,
And my world that can seem like it won’t change at all,
Would start leaning, believing, til over the edge it’ll fall.
(I feel like I’m just arranging and editing your words, so please count them all as yours - all credit to you.)
December 19, 2013
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Dennis Field
I like the 3 am ideas. Keep them coming. With the community feedback they can go in a ton of cool directions.
As far as my feedback goes. You have some really cool lines in here. The first 3 verses I like a lot. To me they pull me into the story but right after the 3rd verse, I think that would be the time you would want to include something that changes it up some. After that, I started to just lose the interest. I love some of the lines though.
“While you were chasing your spirits, I was drinking mine down” That hooked me!
I’d love to see how this continues to develop.
December 19, 2013
No members have liked this comment.