Another work tape from me, this song is about not being able to let go of a relationship.
anything... go for it, I just want to improve my writing, let me know what you hear and what you think I'm missing.
Rick Lane, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have given me so much to think about. This is very constructive and full of great ideas I can definitely expand on. I appreciate you taking the time to pass on your thoughts. il get to work on this. j
June 22, 2020
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Hi Jason,
No problem at all! I enjoyed your song. Like I mentioned in my other post on my song, people aren’t really active with offering feedback and helping other writers on here right now for some reason?
If you ever want me to take a listen to anything else of yours and try to offer some feedback, just let me know! You’re very, very talented.
Rick
June 23, 2020
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I never saw it coming,
it consumed me every day,
I told anyone to hear what they would say,
I couldn't accept it was over,
I closed the door to any hope,
I just spent my time in a place I didn't know,
I wanted the rain to come pouring down,
To hide the tears from being found,
You were all I ever wanted,
All I ever needed,
why does love hurt so easily, x 2
I understand I'm in denial,
I wish it weren't true,
Id give it all up to be with you
To reconcile won't end well
that's something that I know
The pain is far too much as I try to let you go
My acceptance grows stronger
I found it deep inside
I may have been cut from the world
I couldn't let it hide
Everyone would say you're not along
But I do anything to get through the night.
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Jason,
That’s a helluva a good sounding “worktape”. Lol. I can’t wait to hear what finished mixed and mastered track sounds like! This sounds really great, and you’re a really great singer. Great production and great mix…..
It’s a pretty sad lyric for such an uplifting melody that it’s a shame that your resolution isn’t more positive by the end of the song. You sound pretty happy for a guy who’s still struggling to let go and move on. Just a thought….. In the first verse and the choruses, you are talking in past tense, but the second verse, you sound in the present. It sounds like you are still hurting, so maybe it all needs to be present, such as “I never saw it coming, it consumes me every day, I tell anyone who’ll listen just to hear what they will say”. Just a thought….. I read the lyric before I listened, and I was already thinking that “rain to come pouring down to hide the tears from being found” was something that could be better, because maybe people wouldn’t use that phrase about “tears from being found”, and I was thinking that maybe I’d have said “I wanted the rain to come down on me, to hide the tears from being seen”. When I listened, I noticed you used the word “falling” instead of “pouring”. For what it’s worth, I like the sound of falling better than pouring…. I would love to see a good rhyme line up with “easily” at the end of your chorus. All I could think of was
You were all I ever wanted
I wish you still needed me
Why does love hurt so easily
How about the line “I’d give it all up to be with you”? What are you giving up? Did you do something wrong? That line might be opening up a whole new can of worms, so maybe you could replace that line, or maybe expanding on that would add more depth to your story?.... Your song is poetic and uses words that wouldn’t necessarily be used in a country song, which I’m sure is not what you’re aiming for, but I like lines to have a nice smooth and natural flow when you read them aloud. Examples I see in verse two:
“I understand I’m in denial”, to me, sounds better as “I know I’m in denial” It has the alliteration of the n and m sounds. Or, “To reconcile won’t end well” could be “To work it out won’t end well”? Rolls off the tongue well, probably easier to sing, etc….
Anyway, really great sounding song! Thanks for sharing! Good luck with your music!
June 22, 2020
0
Rick Lane, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have given me so much to think about. This is very constructive and full of great ideas I can definitely expand on. I appreciate you taking the time to pass on your thoughts. il get to work on this. j
June 22, 2020
0
Hi Jason,
No problem at all! I enjoyed your song. Like I mentioned in my other post on my song, people aren’t really active with offering feedback and helping other writers on here right now for some reason?
If you ever want me to take a listen to anything else of yours and try to offer some feedback, just let me know! You’re very, very talented.
Rick
June 23, 2020
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Rick Lane
Jason,
That’s a helluva a good sounding “worktape”. Lol. I can’t wait to hear what finished mixed and mastered track sounds like! This sounds really great, and you’re a really great singer. Great production and great mix…..
It’s a pretty sad lyric for such an uplifting melody that it’s a shame that your resolution isn’t more positive by the end of the song. You sound pretty happy for a guy who’s still struggling to let go and move on. Just a thought….. In the first verse and the choruses, you are talking in past tense, but the second verse, you sound in the present. It sounds like you are still hurting, so maybe it all needs to be present, such as “I never saw it coming, it consumes me every day, I tell anyone who’ll listen just to hear what they will say”. Just a thought….. I read the lyric before I listened, and I was already thinking that “rain to come pouring down to hide the tears from being found” was something that could be better, because maybe people wouldn’t use that phrase about “tears from being found”, and I was thinking that maybe I’d have said “I wanted the rain to come down on me, to hide the tears from being seen”. When I listened, I noticed you used the word “falling” instead of “pouring”. For what it’s worth, I like the sound of falling better than pouring…. I would love to see a good rhyme line up with “easily” at the end of your chorus. All I could think of was
You were all I ever wanted
I wish you still needed me
Why does love hurt so easily
How about the line “I’d give it all up to be with you”? What are you giving up? Did you do something wrong? That line might be opening up a whole new can of worms, so maybe you could replace that line, or maybe expanding on that would add more depth to your story?.... Your song is poetic and uses words that wouldn’t necessarily be used in a country song, which I’m sure is not what you’re aiming for, but I like lines to have a nice smooth and natural flow when you read them aloud. Examples I see in verse two:
“I understand I’m in denial”, to me, sounds better as “I know I’m in denial” It has the alliteration of the n and m sounds. Or, “To reconcile won’t end well” could be “To work it out won’t end well”? Rolls off the tongue well, probably easier to sing, etc….
Anyway, really great sounding song! Thanks for sharing! Good luck with your music!
June 22, 2020
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