Phillip Lemmonds

Hey Amber!  Glad to see you’re still working on this one.  Personally, I think I like the feel and vibe of the music in your first version better, but that’s just me.

Since you’ve gone to shorter and choppier lyrics, you have to paint mental images with fewer words.  Feels like verse 2 doesn’t flow the same as verse 1, but again, it might be just me.

To do a Brent Baxter impersonation:

Verse 1:  he pays more attention to his phone than you.

Chorus 1:  he’s hypnotized by his phone.

Verse 2: you buy a new dress and get your hair done (or something like that).  Now he remembers why he fell for you in the first place.  Not saying you’ve let yourself go or anything, so be careful.

Chorus 2:  now he’s hypnotized by you.

My thoughts…

Phillip

Amber Lewis

Phillip,

Thank you so much for listening and for your feedback. It’s really nice that you have heard both versions and were able to tell me which vibe you liked, and thanks for the advice.

Brent Baxter

Hey, Amber!  Here are just a few thoughts… The “are you in a hurry” line confused me at first.  What could he be in a hurry for?  Leaving? Something else?  It’s not set up clearly.  Then he’s mad at you, but since the 3rd line confused me, I’m kinda lost going forward.

I’d paint the picture of your frustration more.  You start off painting the picture well- I like “one arm around me, hand swiping a screen.”  Sets it up well.  I’d continue that thought in more of the verse.  Really build the frustration in both the singer and the listener.  Maybe do the “we’re out to dinner, but you’re out to lunch” kinda thing.

Chorus.  Maybe talk about how “It used to be me that held your stare, it used to be me you kept reaching for.  But now it ain’t me, that’s got you hypnotized.”

Then follow the dinner.  He doesn’t even notice your new dress and haircut, etc.  He’s checking the scores, but he’s losing your love.

And just make sure you dump his sorry butt in the bridge.  Or drop his phone in his drink.

Overall, I think no matter how well you write it, it’s a tough subject for a commercial country hit.  A lot of women can (unfortunately) relate to it, but it just doesn’t feel like a hit idea in my opinion.

But I’m wrong all the time.  At this point, focus on writing it well.  And you’re well on your way to that.

I hope my thoughts have helped! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!

Amber Lewis

Brent,

thanks for listening, commenting, and for your feedback!

Phillip Lemmonds

Amber… I had a thought for this one… if you’re interested.

What if you shifted the focus from your guy being “hypnotized” by his phone to you becoming “invisible” to him?  The phone is just one of the reasons.  He’d rather watch the game then spend time with you, he’d rather go out with his friends than take you out to dinner, etc.

In the chorus, you really let him have it!  Maybe in the bridge get the new dress, your hair done, and take him out to dinner to try and change things.  In the last verse, that didn’t work, so “since I’m invisible, maybe you’ll see me when I’m gone”.

Just some thoughts…

Phillip

Amber Lewis

Phillip,

Thanks for your thoughts, I think you have great ideas, your really good with the imagery, which is great! I may be the only one floating on my boat, haha, but I really like the simplicity of the chorus. let listeners have some of their own imagination. Give them enough to relate to and then let them picture their situation. I feel that is more appealing with songs. I enjoy your thoughts and feedback, Phillip, thank you!