.jpg)
my sister had just published her first book and I have been writing songs, we talked about how the people you'd think would support you don't, and how interesting to see the ones that do end up supporting you. Derek Furch arrangement
worktape, lyrics, vocals. everything and anything, I very much appreciate any feedback!
Phillip,
You always give fantastic feedback. It’s funny now listening to the just, it really could go without. I always find your feedback very helpful-this was a work-tape so not too late to make changes. I made those changes to Cavalier Girl before sending to an artist, who still may not take the song but if she does not than I will have that full out demoed. Thanks again for your time as always, I very much appreciate and look forward to your feedback.
May 11, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
Nice Job Amber
I bet a lot of us relate to what you were laying down there
only is some of it seemed a little hurried but hey im still learning GOOD JOB!
May 12, 2017
Corey,
thank you! I agree actually I can hear that it does sound rushed in places, thank you! I am in the learning process too and very much struggle with feedback! Thanks again for listening and commenting!
May 13, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
Hi Amber, I agree with Phillip on his comments. I like the chorus melody and the piano music is interesting. The verses might be a little long in spots. I like the song idea.
Keep working on it . 
May 13, 2017
David,
Thank you for listening and commenting, I very much appreciate your feedback! thanks again!
May 15, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
You must be signed in to post feedback.
I wanna sleep in today
when my eyes are closed things go my way
no clock tick-tocking, not a word stopping me
from reaching my dreams
here I'm at work
getting paid less than what I'm worth
my big head boss is a jerk
never giving me the raise
that I deserve
chorus
I wish that dreams would be more like dreams
everything just goes my way nobody has a say
I wish that dreams would be more like dreams
everything just goes my way nobody has a say
a say a say a say ayaya
in my dreeeams
in my dreams
I published my first book
showed all my friends they wouldn't look
wrote a song nobody sang a long
failed a test
doing everything wrong
no more looking back
finally headed out on the right track
happy now nothing getting on my nerves
i better watch out
life will throw a curve
chorus
1
Hi Amber! I kind of dig this one. It has an old school feel, like late 60’s psychedelic stuff (think White Rabbit). It’s like your thoughts are all over the place with every section, but in a song about dreams, it fits right together for me.
A few of the lines have an extra syllable in them for the way it’s being sung, and that makes the line feel hurried so you can get all of it in.
I’ve never been a big fan of the word “just”, unless it really adds something to the line. In the chorus, I’d rather see something like “Everything goes my way, nobody else has a say”.
I think you need to get rid of the break between the verse sections, as it seems a little long to me and takes me out of the moment. I know you’d have to redo the music, but try starting the chord progression again at the end of the first verse section to tighten it up.
First verse, second section, I’d change to “I’m here at work”.
In the chorus, the word “that” is another one of those that shouldn’t be used unless it adds to the meaning of the line. If you simply sang “I wish dreams would be more like dreams”, does the meaning change?
My thoughts…
Phillip
May 11, 2017
0
Phillip,
You always give fantastic feedback. It’s funny now listening to the just, it really could go without. I always find your feedback very helpful-this was a work-tape so not too late to make changes. I made those changes to Cavalier Girl before sending to an artist, who still may not take the song but if she does not than I will have that full out demoed. Thanks again for your time as always, I very much appreciate and look forward to your feedback.
May 11, 2017
1
Nice Job Amber
I bet a lot of us relate to what you were laying down there
only is some of it seemed a little hurried but hey im still learning GOOD JOB!
May 12, 2017
0
Corey,
thank you! I agree actually I can hear that it does sound rushed in places, thank you! I am in the learning process too and very much struggle with feedback! Thanks again for listening and commenting!
May 13, 2017
1
Hi Amber, I agree with Phillip on his comments. I like the chorus melody and the piano music is interesting. The verses might be a little long in spots. I like the song idea.
Keep working on it .
May 13, 2017
0
David,
Thank you for listening and commenting, I very much appreciate your feedback! thanks again!
May 15, 2017
Do you want to have this song reviewed by an industry professional or a hit songwriter? Click on any of the professionals below to purchase your review.
Brent Baxter:
Pro Songwriter
$25.00/Song
Sam & Becca Mizell:
Hit Songwriters
$50.00/Song
Tell your peers about professional song reviews on Songwriting Pro.
×
Phillip Lemmonds
Hi Amber! I kind of dig this one. It has an old school feel, like late 60’s psychedelic stuff (think White Rabbit). It’s like your thoughts are all over the place with every section, but in a song about dreams, it fits right together for me.
A few of the lines have an extra syllable in them for the way it’s being sung, and that makes the line feel hurried so you can get all of it in.
I’ve never been a big fan of the word “just”, unless it really adds something to the line. In the chorus, I’d rather see something like “Everything goes my way, nobody else has a say”.
I think you need to get rid of the break between the verse sections, as it seems a little long to me and takes me out of the moment. I know you’d have to redo the music, but try starting the chord progression again at the end of the first verse section to tighten it up.
First verse, second section, I’d change to “I’m here at work”.
In the chorus, the word “that” is another one of those that shouldn’t be used unless it adds to the meaning of the line. If you simply sang “I wish dreams would be more like dreams”, does the meaning change?
My thoughts…
Phillip
May 11, 2017