.jpg)
Revising this song before re-demoing. Had tons of great feedback and now having a hard time knowing if I am straying from the feedback or getting closer to what they expected. I posted yesterday and this is my final worktape, ugh,lol,overthinking.
listen to the first demo and let me know what lyrics and storyline you like better. The first version I sent was a full out demo. Any feedback is Greatly appreciated, especially, before re-demoing. Thank you so much in advance!
Brent,
thank you so much for your feedback and very helpful advice. I have changed the lyric sheet, if you see this and want to check out what I have thought about now with your comments. Thanks again, for taking the time to listen and comment!
June 16, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
You must be signed in to post feedback.
One arm round me
hand swiping a screen
zoned out, are you in a hurry
now it's a fight
for you to say goodbye
with a fiery glance at me
we laugh til I hurts
won't leave me high and dry
still questions flood my mind
is it me or are you blind
cause running out of time
chorus
you don't even know me
you don't seem to care
I'm lookin' right at you
there's nobody there
give me your lovin eyes
your so mesmerized
oh, it's got you baby
it's got you hypnotized
your so hypnotized
photos on my bed
text flowing through your head
longen for our venturous days
you grin and stare
like it's so hard to bare
did you even hear single little thing that I said
chorus [repeat]
candlelit dinner
throw your phone out the door
talk to me baby, like you did before
my hearts at war
you don't even know me
you don't seem to care
you haven't seen crazy
we'll baby, I'm here
no service or line
your eyes are mine
oh, I got you baby, i got you hypnotized
1
Hey, Amber! First of all, it’s awesome that you’re putting in the work of rewriting. That’s gonna really help your craft. So good on you!
I don’t have the previous version in front of me, but based on just what I see here, there are a couple points of concern.
1. This guy is not likeable, and it seems like you don’t like him either… until that one look in his eyes. I still don’t like him, but now the singer has lost her mojo and looks weak. It’s ok if they fuss and fight some, but she’s still attracted to him. But I don’t feel that with this guy. He just seems like a jerk.
2. I thought you were gonna say he’s hypnotized by his phone when he used to be hypnotized by you. I think that’s a cool angle. As it stands now, the title of “Hypnotized” doesn’t connect to the rest of the song, except for the last few lines of the chorus. If you tie it all together with, “you used to be hypnotized by me now just by your stupid phone” I think that would be cool. And, sadly, a lot of women could probably relate to it.
Just some thoughts. Hope it helps. There’s a lot of good work in this. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song!
June 16, 2017
0
Brent,
thank you so much for your feedback and very helpful advice. I have changed the lyric sheet, if you see this and want to check out what I have thought about now with your comments. Thanks again, for taking the time to listen and comment!
June 16, 2017
Do you want to have this song reviewed by an industry professional or a hit songwriter? Click on any of the professionals below to purchase your review.
Brent Baxter:
Pro Songwriter
$25.00/Song
Sam & Becca Mizell:
Hit Songwriters
$50.00/Song
Tell your peers about professional song reviews on Songwriting Pro.
×
Brent Baxter
Hey, Amber! First of all, it’s awesome that you’re putting in the work of rewriting. That’s gonna really help your craft. So good on you!
I don’t have the previous version in front of me, but based on just what I see here, there are a couple points of concern.
1. This guy is not likeable, and it seems like you don’t like him either… until that one look in his eyes. I still don’t like him, but now the singer has lost her mojo and looks weak. It’s ok if they fuss and fight some, but she’s still attracted to him. But I don’t feel that with this guy. He just seems like a jerk.
2. I thought you were gonna say he’s hypnotized by his phone when he used to be hypnotized by you. I think that’s a cool angle. As it stands now, the title of “Hypnotized” doesn’t connect to the rest of the song, except for the last few lines of the chorus. If you tie it all together with, “you used to be hypnotized by me now just by your stupid phone” I think that would be cool. And, sadly, a lot of women could probably relate to it.
Just some thoughts. Hope it helps. There’s a lot of good work in this. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song!
June 16, 2017