This love song is based on a true story. For 10 years I use to work with people that were over 60 years of age. At one point I was a medical driver and transported a couple back and forth to doctor appointments. The husband had Alzheimer's and over the years I learned a lot about them. Love is amazing and there's never enough words to describe it here on Earth.
I am not a singer but I did sing it for this feedback moment.
Production: Is this good enough to pitch?
Lyrics: Let me know if something doesn't make sense.
Melody: I'm sure a better singer would capture this a bit stronger than I do.
Thanks for listening.
To the contrary, I thought you sang this well as a singer-songwriter. Nice idea of a song. As to be pitched I would have no idea. Good job on this one.
July 01, 2017
Hey, Ronnie! Thanks for sharing. As for the demo vocal, I wouldn’t use it to pitch to a major country artist. You want everything to sound as good as possible.
For the lyric, I think it’s kind of unrealistic that she says “his memories are fading in and out” right in front of him. Kind of cold. If he’s lucid at the time, it’s cold. If he’s not lucid right then, would they be on a bus? At least you’d have to set that up first.
Also, I don’t think you’ve set up the 1st line of the 1st chorus as well as you could. You say “isn’t love amazing” but you haven’t proven it to me yet. Yes, they’ve been married 62 years, and that’s great. But then you lead right into the chorus talking about his fading memory. That doesn’t make me feel like it’s amazing- it makes me feel like it’s sad. You haven’t shown how it can “lift you up.”
Basically, you’re writing checks with your chorus that your verses can’t cash. You have to deposit sufficient funds in the verses. You have to “prove” what your chorus says. You have to show me a story that makes me agree that love is amazing and it can lift you up and is an eternal flame.
I know I’ve given you a lot of “homework” but I hope it’s helpful. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment or review on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 06, 2017
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Love’s An Eternal Flame
( Ronnie Glenn )
From the corner of nowhere and making ends meet
I finally caught the bus off this busy street
Found a spot next to an old man and his wife
Asked how long they been married, she replied
It's been sixty two years ago today, so proud
But lately his memories are fading in and out
CHORUS
Isn't love amazing how it can lift you up
Out of all the things in life we go through
It can be breathtaking even with a little hug
There's never anything else to compare it to
When you're gone, love remembers your name
And between two hearts love's an eternal flame
As we rode along getting lost in conversation
She talked about his forgotten occupation
He was a fireman once just a few miles out of town
As she talked, I noticed his smile wasn't coming down
I looked at them and thought to myself, no doubt
Their love is one fire that he couldn't put out
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
When the bus stopped, it was time to say goodbye
I couldn't wait to hug my kids and my wife
REPEAT CHORUS
© 2017 Ronnie Glenn, all rights reserved
1
Hi Ronnie! First, I’d like to say I think your lyric writing is getting better. Keep at it.
In the chorus, I’d suggest either changing the “we” in the second line to “you”, or changing the “you” in the first line to “us”. Maybe change the “never anything” to “nothing”... the line sounds rushed. When singing the last line, don’t stretch out “hearts”, as your rushing the rest of the line. Maybe stretch “eternal” instead, which changes the focus of the line.
As for being pitchable, I’m by no means an expert, but for now I’d say no. You want to be as professional as possible when pitching to a publisher or other industry person, so a better vocal performance would be needed.
Phillip
June 30, 2017
1
To the contrary, I thought you sang this well as a singer-songwriter. Nice idea of a song. As to be pitched I would have no idea. Good job on this one.
July 01, 2017
1
Hey, Ronnie! Thanks for sharing. As for the demo vocal, I wouldn’t use it to pitch to a major country artist. You want everything to sound as good as possible.
For the lyric, I think it’s kind of unrealistic that she says “his memories are fading in and out” right in front of him. Kind of cold. If he’s lucid at the time, it’s cold. If he’s not lucid right then, would they be on a bus? At least you’d have to set that up first.
Also, I don’t think you’ve set up the 1st line of the 1st chorus as well as you could. You say “isn’t love amazing” but you haven’t proven it to me yet. Yes, they’ve been married 62 years, and that’s great. But then you lead right into the chorus talking about his fading memory. That doesn’t make me feel like it’s amazing- it makes me feel like it’s sad. You haven’t shown how it can “lift you up.”
Basically, you’re writing checks with your chorus that your verses can’t cash. You have to deposit sufficient funds in the verses. You have to “prove” what your chorus says. You have to show me a story that makes me agree that love is amazing and it can lift you up and is an eternal flame.
I know I’ve given you a lot of “homework” but I hope it’s helpful. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment or review on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 06, 2017
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Phillip Lemmonds
Hi Ronnie! First, I’d like to say I think your lyric writing is getting better. Keep at it.
In the chorus, I’d suggest either changing the “we” in the second line to “you”, or changing the “you” in the first line to “us”. Maybe change the “never anything” to “nothing”... the line sounds rushed. When singing the last line, don’t stretch out “hearts”, as your rushing the rest of the line. Maybe stretch “eternal” instead, which changes the focus of the line.
As for being pitchable, I’m by no means an expert, but for now I’d say no. You want to be as professional as possible when pitching to a publisher or other industry person, so a better vocal performance would be needed.
Phillip
June 30, 2017