Phillip Lemmonds

I like the song and the overall feeling.  Lyrically, I think the song would be better if the verses were written in first person rather than third.  “I wake up in the morning, I go to work at nine” gives more connection to the listener.

In the chorus, “Two hot chicks by my side” sounds… well, not right.  Maybe “A beautiful woman by my side.”

The chorus music is a little boring and repetitive.  The line “a place where work is banned” sounds like it should drop down to a minor chord.

I applaud your effort on going with a VCVC structure.  Seems like we mostly hear VCVCBC these days and this song is refreshing.

Keep writing!

Phillip

Jackson Lucas

Hey Philip,

I am very grateful for your feedback! My first constructive feedback from a fellow lyricist.

To your points:
First person is fine if I am singing it… and if Country Big Star is singing it, 3rd person seems more natural to me and him, I think. I’d be surprised if Big Star can relate to the office experience and I would certainly not want him to fake it.
‘Two hot chicks by my side to complete the dream’: 2nd part is just as important… it is a dream, and is exaggerated on purpose, like it’s never going to happen… see my point?

It is a simple song, lyrically, and I am fine with the ‘three chords and the truth’ statement, though I see a whole lot of improvement, musically, if someone picks it up (in terms of chord structure, dynamics, instrumentation - fiddle, mandolin, etc - which a basic demo cannot do, unless you pay for it…:-).

Amber Lewis

looks and sounds like a well structured song and you even have a hook, grind grind grind. The fiddle mandolin would be fun but it is always good to leave room for the artist and producer to bring in more instruments.

Jackson Lucas

Thanks, Amber. I am grateful for your feedback.

You are right about the freedom of the artist and producer to choose the instruments with regard to their own musical direction.

Being my first demo I am quite happy with the result. I have two more in the pipeline in Nashville.

I am still a long way from doing my own demos, so any suggestions on good studios and producers I can reach to for my next project would be greatly appreciated.

Be well.
Jack

Brent Baxter

Hey, Jackson!  Thanks for sharing your song with us.  Congrats on getting your first demo!  I remember that feeling- and it’s a great one.  I like that it has some tempo/groove.  I like the title, too.  I like how you repeat the title at the end of the choruses.  Couple thoughts, though…

I agree with Phillip- 1st person would be stronger.  Be careful about saying he hates his female boss.  Could be a potential land mine with female listeners.

I wonder if you could make it a more positive song?  Instead of hating the grind, he embraces it?  What if he’s grinding toward his dream?  And it’s a positive, motivational song?  Just a possibility.

Again, thanks for sharing.  Please pay it forward by leaving a comment or review on another writer’s song.  Thanks!

Jackson Lucas

Hey Brent, thanks so much for your feedback. I am very very grateful for it.

I have found a long time ago (and my studies in political communication support it) that you can’t please EVERYONE! You have to choose a side and I have (safely) chosen what I perceive to be the majority.

You choose your side, I choose mine, and there’s no wrong and right, but you’re probably closer to what sells having swum with the big sharks in this pond in which I am just a tiny fish (asking for the attention of those big fish…:-)

Having chosen a side, I believe at least as many female listeners dislike their female bosses, and the number of female bosses being small to begin with, I have gone with what I perceive again to be the majority. The gender is not so relevant, really, because the boss is more often than not perceived as an enemy.

A positive spin on the grind? Again, I am going for what most people with low-paying dead-end jobs will relate to: a weekend opportunity to get outside their current lives (the famous Brechtian ‘alienation’) and in celebrating express a desire to do better… is that too fancy?

Thanks again. Jack

Jackson Lucas

Brent,

I did follow your advice on a positive grind in another lyric. It goes like this:

Blessed

I’m done and I haven’t done a thing today.
Came to work, didn’t come to play,
But somehow it didn’t turn that way,
And now I’m scrambling madly.

I feel the pain and feel the sorrow;
Know it will come again tomorrow;
No excuse to beg or borrow,
And no way out, sadly.

There’s gotta be a time to kill,
A time to mend, a time to heal;
But in the end just don’t wanna deal
With things that hurt me badly.

Beware of those city lights,
They come along with stormy nights;
And while I think of lofty heights,
I’m slowly sliding under.

I’ve got no friends to walk along.
The road ahead is far too long,
And the direction could be wrong:
Another stupid blunder.

Break (shift from minor to major vibe)

I’ll come along and I’ll be fine.
Time will tell if I can shine.
I will walk a crooked line
In the heavy rain and thunder.

Just gotta keep on keeping on.
The Man upstairs can’t be wrong.
Can’t get upset for much too long,
I know these are my better days.

I’ll find my place and shut it down;
Take no hits on my own ground.
Remember time in the lost and found
And my own wasted ways.

I can’t complain it’s come to this;
Can’t make up time I never missed.
I’m still smiling; I’m at rest,
And most of all I feel blessed
As the days go by.

No music, no demo. Thoughts?

Jack

Corey Bourque

id like to see more from you posted it doesn’t have to be a full demo at least that what i gathered about this group
I really like the song I haven’t really seen enough to give a good critique. but if you switch back and forth from 1st to 3rd person wouldn’t that confuse the listener?

Jackson Lucas

Hey Corey,
I am very grateful for your feedback, man! Really appreciate it a lot.

To your points:
You are right, mixing 1st, 2nd and 3rd person can be confusing, and I have done it a lot, and have been extra careful to fix it in editing.

Grind is all 3rd person in the verses, and the chorus begins with “and he says,” which allows me to switch to 1st person. In this way I sort of put the 1st person in quotation marks.

In Blessed above I do a similar 1st - 3rd person switch which is fine, because all 3rd person lines are general statements.

Here is an example of that shift, which sounds (to me) quite natural:
I look at the sun.
The sun shines brightly.
The object becomes the subject, you move from first to third…but let’s not get too deep into grammar.

It worked for the Band (The Weight), and it works for us every day. Should work in lyrics too.

Thanks again so much.
Let’s keep in touch, man. I like your tunes.
Jack