Couldn't sleep one night, recorded this live with the "Voice Memo" app on my iPhone.
Do you think it is dynamic enough to attract audience attention when performing live? Last time I performed it acoustic, I got some cards that read "boring" or "this does nothing for me". How could I improve the dynamics, lyrically?
I agree. It’s very engaging! I’d definitely want to hear it again if someone played it live. It’s a little hard to follow structurally, just because the main refrain is sung like verses at the beginning. I love that idea, but it did trick me into thinking that the upbeat portion (“Oh, take it all, take it off..”) was the chorus. Wouldn’t mind hearing another version of that part again just before the bridge, which would give you a chance to change up some lyrics. You could also lead in with only “Oh, let’s gaze at the starlight, love is waiting for the right time.” at the beginning of the song, just like you have at the end, and then sing the full refrain the second time. It’d give a little surprise lyrically!
June 04, 2013
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Thanks Dennis. And Caryn- you’re right about the repetition of the verses in the beginning. Kind of tricks you, structurally, and makes it a little harder to follow. I find that most people do not realize I repeat verse 1 and verse 2. They often think V2 is a separate verse entirely… If I don’t post lyrics
I agree with you, that the “Oh let’s take this home… Take it off, I’ll leave it on” sounds like it would be the chorus. In fact, this is technically a “bridge” which makes the song’s structure even more screwy. What gets even weirder, the end of the song involves a second bridge with “We’ll watch the world spin… On it’s axis”. The song is certainly a maze, and ended up that way haphazardly. Took me a while to finish this song, so I kind of pieced it all together.
Can’t quite figure out what you’re meaning with the “lead in with only ‘Oh let’s gaze at the starlight…’ at the beginning of the song.” If you mean, begin the song with this same phrase that I end with, then perfect. That’s how it is
June 05, 2013
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Glad to have provided some feedback. Can’t wait to get some of my songs up here for critique. I’m sure we will all have plenty to go through haha.
Nice Smiley’s Joey. Julie says she’ll take those off in the next deployment.
June 05, 2013
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Haha An understandable regret. Thanks for testing those out for the rest of us!
Wow, a “maze” really is a great way to describe the song, now that you’ve explained it. It really is great, though. The lyrics are kind of haunting in a way. It seems like you’ve got all the pieces there, it’s just a matter of moving tiny bits and pieces around to finalize it!
Regarding the beginning, I just meant you could leave off the “So darling hold your head high and kiss me soft as you like as our hearts collide” the very first time, if you wanted to switch it up a bit. Then you could sing the whole phrase the second time around. Hope that makes sense!
June 05, 2013
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I love this song and the haunting feel of it. But like the some of the other comments, I would change the structure. I would suggest that (musically at least) the “take it all, take it off” part should be the chorus and repeated several times. It has a lift that provides relief from the smokiness of the verses.
I also think you should only repeat “oh let’s gaze at the starlight” part only twice (beginning and end). Find a couple of other cool observations for the middle versus. (In other words, I thought it was repeated too much in this version.)
Regardless, great song and “as our hearts collide” is a great hook or refrain or whatever you would call it.
June 09, 2013
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To be blatantly honest, your voice is so interesting, I would find it hard to think this would be “boring” to hear live. The guitar part is really interesting as well, you’re playing a really neat pattern* and it kinda chugs along in this really kind of sustained but fervent kind of way.
The only think I can think of that might help is adding some repetition in your chorus - repetitive melody or lyrics, and sing out. You can tell that it’s a separate section from the verse, but it kind of wanders. That might be where you listeners tune out. Just my 2 cents!
I’m really loving your tunes, post more!
*please forgive me if that’s not the right term, I’m not much of a guitar player!
July 12, 2013
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Oh wow, after reading some of the other comments, I think I might have missed the structure entirely!! My bad!
July 12, 2013
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Love the song and the feel that it purveys. Lot’s of interesting things happening. I to was a little duped into thinking the second verse was the chorus…change in the vocal register did it for me. That is not to say it was bad. Quite the contrary. I believe that in order to pull listeners in we need to that kind of “left turn” in our music. Structurally this might have been a good chorus. I really did enjoy the music progression. Well done!!
October 31, 2013
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Robert: I’ve heard many people tell me they believe the second verse is the Chorus. I hope this doesn’t make the listener lose track of the story, but did intend it as an ear-catch.
December 12, 2013
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Oh let's gaze at the starlight.
Love is waiting for the right time.
So darling hold your head high
and kiss me soft as you like
as our hearts collide.
And oh let's take this home
Take it off, I'll leave it on.
Follow you like a swarm
wrapped around we storm in.
Close the door and lock it
remember where your heart is.
I'll hold you till we're breathless, our love is so reckless.
Oh let's gaze at the starlight.
Love is waiting for the right time.
So darling hold your head high
and kiss me soft as you like
as our hearts collide.
As our hearts collide.
We'll watch the world spin on it's axis. (oh ah oh)
So just sit back and exist. (oh ah oh)
We'll watch the world spin in this moment. (oh ah oh)
So just sit back and exist
as our hearts collide.
Oh let's gaze at the starlight.
Love is waiting for the right time.
0
I like it Joey. I don’t think it’s boring at all. It’s filled with some really good emotion. Towards the end of the track, I did zone off some, but was really engaged with the lyrics and rhythm.
June 04, 2013
0
I agree. It’s very engaging! I’d definitely want to hear it again if someone played it live. It’s a little hard to follow structurally, just because the main refrain is sung like verses at the beginning. I love that idea, but it did trick me into thinking that the upbeat portion (“Oh, take it all, take it off..”) was the chorus. Wouldn’t mind hearing another version of that part again just before the bridge, which would give you a chance to change up some lyrics. You could also lead in with only “Oh, let’s gaze at the starlight, love is waiting for the right time.” at the beginning of the song, just like you have at the end, and then sing the full refrain the second time. It’d give a little surprise lyrically!
June 04, 2013
0
Thanks Dennis. And Caryn- you’re right about the repetition of the verses in the beginning. Kind of tricks you, structurally, and makes it a little harder to follow. I find that most people do not realize I repeat verse 1 and verse 2. They often think V2 is a separate verse entirely… If I don’t post lyrics
I agree with you, that the “Oh let’s take this home… Take it off, I’ll leave it on” sounds like it would be the chorus. In fact, this is technically a “bridge” which makes the song’s structure even more screwy. What gets even weirder, the end of the song involves a second bridge with “We’ll watch the world spin… On it’s axis”. The song is certainly a maze, and ended up that way haphazardly. Took me a while to finish this song, so I kind of pieced it all together.
Can’t quite figure out what you’re meaning with the “lead in with only ‘Oh let’s gaze at the starlight…’ at the beginning of the song.” If you mean, begin the song with this same phrase that I end with, then perfect. That’s how it is
June 05, 2013
0
Glad to have provided some feedback. Can’t wait to get some of my songs up here for critique. I’m sure we will all have plenty to go through haha.
Nice Smiley’s Joey. Julie says she’ll take those off in the next deployment.
June 05, 2013
0
Haha An understandable regret. Thanks for testing those out for the rest of us!
Wow, a “maze” really is a great way to describe the song, now that you’ve explained it. It really is great, though. The lyrics are kind of haunting in a way. It seems like you’ve got all the pieces there, it’s just a matter of moving tiny bits and pieces around to finalize it!
Regarding the beginning, I just meant you could leave off the “So darling hold your head high and kiss me soft as you like as our hearts collide” the very first time, if you wanted to switch it up a bit. Then you could sing the whole phrase the second time around. Hope that makes sense!
June 05, 2013
0
I love this song and the haunting feel of it. But like the some of the other comments, I would change the structure. I would suggest that (musically at least) the “take it all, take it off” part should be the chorus and repeated several times. It has a lift that provides relief from the smokiness of the verses.
I also think you should only repeat “oh let’s gaze at the starlight” part only twice (beginning and end). Find a couple of other cool observations for the middle versus. (In other words, I thought it was repeated too much in this version.)
Regardless, great song and “as our hearts collide” is a great hook or refrain or whatever you would call it.
June 09, 2013
0
To be blatantly honest, your voice is so interesting, I would find it hard to think this would be “boring” to hear live. The guitar part is really interesting as well, you’re playing a really neat pattern* and it kinda chugs along in this really kind of sustained but fervent kind of way.
The only think I can think of that might help is adding some repetition in your chorus - repetitive melody or lyrics, and sing out. You can tell that it’s a separate section from the verse, but it kind of wanders. That might be where you listeners tune out. Just my 2 cents!
I’m really loving your tunes, post more!
*please forgive me if that’s not the right term, I’m not much of a guitar player!
July 12, 2013
0
Oh wow, after reading some of the other comments, I think I might have missed the structure entirely!! My bad!
July 12, 2013
0
Love the song and the feel that it purveys. Lot’s of interesting things happening. I to was a little duped into thinking the second verse was the chorus…change in the vocal register did it for me. That is not to say it was bad. Quite the contrary. I believe that in order to pull listeners in we need to that kind of “left turn” in our music. Structurally this might have been a good chorus. I really did enjoy the music progression. Well done!!
October 31, 2013
0
Robert: I’ve heard many people tell me they believe the second verse is the Chorus. I hope this doesn’t make the listener lose track of the story, but did intend it as an ear-catch.
December 12, 2013
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Dennis Field
I like it Joey. I don’t think it’s boring at all. It’s filled with some really good emotion. Towards the end of the track, I did zone off some, but was really engaged with the lyrics and rhythm.
June 04, 2013
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