The story is taken from many thoughts that have entered my head about the worlds growing pains, like a mist descending over all gentle yet so strong, like a river
(DR-05)Recorded this quietly at the opposite end of the house, trying not to wake folks
Another prompt inspired song. Any feedback would be appreciated. I recognize that I was singing with an accent that is not consistent. I am not certain of the appropriate way to approach the "obvious to me" chorus section.
Thanks for the feedback Don! It is much appreciated. Oddly enough, most of my music doesn’t always seems to come across clearly enough, but I make my beds. I know they may not be understood completely, or be as fluid as other songs.
The nice thing about music is that when you “paint” (write), you can erase and adjust much more easily than true painting or sculpting. I really love hearing what people think of my work and I take it into deep account.
Thanks!
By the way, that line, “a use for me there is no more”, made me laugh because it sounds like a Yoda quote.
Thanks again!
February 13, 2014
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Definitely a song etched in sadness and despair. The song does feel a little disjointed as Don says and I love the change in tempo beginning It’s obvious to me. It is here where I got hooked. There are quite a few lines in the song that leave it up to the listener to determine the direction you’re taking and that may be good however, you don’t want to lose the listener. Good job!
February 25, 2014
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In the line out on the street, search for money to make ends meat,
Suit and ties are fighting for me, to give my last dime to shine their feet,
Laid off and thrown out the door, a use for me there is no more,
Given life and love and liberty, but take all that's meaningful to me,
Light's flash before my eyes, I have no control this time,
No where to scream or hide, when brothers and sisters die,
begin given makes it easy to cry, but taken life is the darkest of kinds,
thousands a day in so many different ways, Are we defeated?
It's obvious to me, that the sun will come again,
through the cracks of seasons end, and the budding of the trees,
Fight the longing sickness that spreads to each within us,
theirs a life in your life that knows wrong from right and can make a change
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Hey Christopher!
I hear the despair in this song - that certainly comes through - and the playing on this good - but at the same time this song seems a little disjointed to me - I’m not really sure what you’re saying other than things are bad and may get better…i didn’t get the part about brothers and sisters dying - all around the world or closer to you and closer to home? Because of poverty? not sure.
I really don’t mean to quibble but I wish you would re-work the line that says “a use for me there is no more” - I know that was done to make things rhyme - but nobody really TALKS that way - and at least for me I think lyrics should kind of fall into normal speech patterns & cadence as much as possible - otherwise they can sound kind of clunky.
IMHO this tune needs more work - more focus - but it has some good bones! cheers!
February 13, 2014
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Thanks for the feedback Don! It is much appreciated. Oddly enough, most of my music doesn’t always seems to come across clearly enough, but I make my beds. I know they may not be understood completely, or be as fluid as other songs.
The nice thing about music is that when you “paint” (write), you can erase and adjust much more easily than true painting or sculpting. I really love hearing what people think of my work and I take it into deep account.
Thanks!
By the way, that line, “a use for me there is no more”, made me laugh because it sounds like a Yoda quote.
Thanks again!
February 13, 2014
0
Definitely a song etched in sadness and despair. The song does feel a little disjointed as Don says and I love the change in tempo beginning It’s obvious to me. It is here where I got hooked. There are quite a few lines in the song that leave it up to the listener to determine the direction you’re taking and that may be good however, you don’t want to lose the listener. Good job!
February 25, 2014
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Don Nelson
Hey Christopher!
I hear the despair in this song - that certainly comes through - and the playing on this good - but at the same time this song seems a little disjointed to me - I’m not really sure what you’re saying other than things are bad and may get better…i didn’t get the part about brothers and sisters dying - all around the world or closer to you and closer to home? Because of poverty? not sure.
I really don’t mean to quibble but I wish you would re-work the line that says “a use for me there is no more” - I know that was done to make things rhyme - but nobody really TALKS that way - and at least for me I think lyrics should kind of fall into normal speech patterns & cadence as much as possible - otherwise they can sound kind of clunky.
IMHO this tune needs more work - more focus - but it has some good bones! cheers!
February 13, 2014
No members have liked this comment.