Dick Plunk

Joey - really neat, haunting melody and chords. The idea of “getting someone out of your consciousness” is very universal and should resonate with lots of listeners. I think you could use your last verse (or parts of it) as the bridge, with a different melody, of course.

The only thing I felt was kind of weak was the last line of your chorus. It seems like, since the title is “Shipwreck”, that it should somehow refer to a shipwreck. I know this doesn’t rhyme, but I was thinking the line should be something like:

Break this curse
And save me from this shipwreck

regardless - great song

Joey Hendrickson

Thanks Dick,

I think this one is still on the path.  I agree the last line of the chorus could be better.  Waiting for the right words there.

I also think you’re right that the second verse could be move to the bridge. The second verse should cut to chorus sooner.  It looses my interest.

With that, if anyone has a bridge idea, please record, and attach a link.

Thanks

Matt Rees

Brilliant revision. You did focus the topic well. Better title too. But I’d say you have a great bridge in “I’ve sailed too many nights.” Just record yourself pounding through the song for about 10 minutes with no inhibitions, letting your voice sail where it may, then listen back for snippets of where you hear the best place the bridge should soar. As I played around with it, variations of the E, C#m, B, A worked best. F#m was the only other place I thought fit in. I bet you get a nice, natural bridge with a feel and a flow that work.

I have to say, though, that I feel odd giving you suggestions. You’re probably exercising all these songwriting muscles already, since you’re putting out such good material (me, not so much .

Joey Hendrickson

Matt, this is great feedback.  Thank you.  I think I need to spend more time with this song, as you suggested.  Like Dick Plunk mentioned above, I actually took the second half of V2 and made it the bridge.  Played around with that for a while and it seemed to fit well.  I do, however, miss the line “I’d trade the ocean for your love” as I think it goes along with the sailor / shipwreck theme pretty closely.  May need to play with a bit more, or combine the two.  Overall, still a few lines of the song I’m not sold on.

With chord progressions, I’m actually using a capo’d C-form for the chords but when meeting with Nathan Dickson, I did come up with a few chord tweaks using the E-form.

You can be I’ll be posting a 3rd version soon!

glen king

Joey: some nice images in here, but I don’t think you’ve tied them up to the title.  “sunk into the sandy shore”  reads well, but I think most shipwrecks I’ve seen, and I have seen some, are more wrecked upon the shore or in pieces on the shore.  Where the title is now placed seems more like a throwaway line. No emphasis on it at all. I hear the title as “Help Me Get Her Out of My Head”  that is the most prominent line.  I wouldn’t go into the record store and ask for “Shipwrecked” after hearing this. Of course, nobody goes to record stores these days anyway. But you get the point.  BTW: bridges are becoming less and less important in songs.  Finally” I don;‘t know who it is you’re singing this to….“I;d trade the ocean for YOUR love if YOU free etc…Who’s the “you”? Maybe that’s where you could use a bridge.  Don’t mean to be negative about your song,  It has potential,  good structure and music. keep working on it.

Joey Hendrickson

Thanks for being candid, Glen. 

I agree that “sunk into the sandy shore” would not be the best wording for a shipwreck illustration.  The line is actually, “sunk beneath the sandy shore”, and the recording sings this way too.

I think you’re completely on point about how people purchase music today based on titles.  And I agree with you that no one really goes into music stores today and asks for songs.  I did think about “Help Me Get Her Out Of My Head” as a title, but my goal is to craft this song and lyrics around the imagery and emotion of “Ship Wrecked”

I think Bridges may or may not be important in songs today, depending on the song.  I’ve heard placements or otherwise moving songs with both bridges and without bridges.  As Dick suggested, I will post a third version of this song with the bridge lyrics being the 4th verse.  Stay tuned for Version 3.

Jon Morgan

Here are some thoughts… in no particular order.

First of all, I look at you as an American Damien Rice. And, to clarify, that’s not a rip-off or like a copy-cat influenced backhanded compliment. That’s me congratulating you on having a beautiful tone and grasp on vocal dynamics.

Anyway.

I very much enjoy the chord progressions - there’s an appropriate rise and fall sort of feeling that successfully accompanies an angry sea, nautical kind of theme.

Last… I didn’t read the previous comments, so forgive me if I’m repeating what someone else said… my ideal and final version of this song maximizes the minimums. I want your voice, your guitar, and if you had someone maybe throwing strings in, fine… but don’t clutter it up. It’s hard and lonely… with a hint of hopeful… and it needs space to wander. I think if you threw too much at it, it’d get buried and it would lose a lot of its heart.

Great tune, man.

Orion DiFranco

Well put Jon.  I agree the more the song sounds lonely the better people will perceive the shipwrecked idea.