Ronnie Glenn

Hey Tommy, I really like how this song of yours sounds! The music track on this has a cool 80’s English Pop sound to it. Jazzy but bluesy like a smokey room in a spy movie. At least that’s how I’m envisioning it based on the music and melody.

I’m not going to comment too much on the lyrics. I like the story line. The phrasing could use an adjustment by tweaking some of the lines. I don’t see any rhymes except in the bridge. That was different for me to see.

I like your melody but I think it could be improved. Heck all my songs need an overhaul, no big deal right?

I think the song has potential. Have you ever considered film/tv licensing? With a better mixed soundtrack and a stronger vocalist you might have a cut in the future. Keep working on it.

Nobody writes a song in less than a day, we rewrite songs to right history everyday.

Thanks for sharing, HAPPY S☼NGWRITING ♫♪ ~ Ronnie

Tommy Grimes III

80s English, jazzy, bluesy and smokey room spy movie sure works for me!

Yes rhyming was different in this one, and I am usually very “traditional” in my rhyming. Here the rhymes are only in odd places, no idea why the song took me that way!

Yep there is always overhaul or tweaking to be done, and for sure on better mixing and stronger vocals! Definitely would like to hear it sung by someone else (as with all my songs ha!)

Oh film and TV licensing, now that is an interesting suggestion, I’d sure be open to it, anything that gets the music heard and enjoyed by people would work for me. I would have to look into how all that would work.

Awesome, ty for the feedback, always love hearing what people have to say!

Tylar Moe

Great storytelling love it… its really easy to listening and the story is what kept me listening!!! And i love the guitar solo too…Stiil ya gkt a Danbert feel its cool

Frank Renfordt

Hi Tommy,
the structure now is way better than the first version.
I still feel uncomfortable with the line ‘I hold her close till she falls asleep as if I love her still’ - probably it’s because I wouldn’t be able to act like this. But that may be only my personal feeling.
You can improve the sound of your work tape immediately if you reduce the volume of your vocals, the vocal is not sitting right in the mix.
The chorus could stand out more, but that is probably more a performance and arrangement issue. Try to fix it by doubling the chorus - just sing a second track with the same harmony and take the second voice a bit out of the center. You could also add another instrument to make the chorus more pounding.Take care!

Reid Yamamoto

Hi Tommy,
I like version 2.0 a lot better! Awesome work and improvements!

I love your very cool very expressive guitar solo!

Great work…keep at it and turn this into one of your gems!

Reid

Tommy Grimes III

Cheers Reid, especially for taking the time to check out TWO versions of the same song! Much appreciated, and glad to know the changes are all for the better!

I will still revisit it at some point and pick up on Frank’s ideas of making the chorus lift up or stand out some more (at which point I’ll likely remove the two earlier versions, as three variations of the same song is likely a bit much : ) )

Thanks!
  Tommy