This is a song about my grandfather, every word of it is true!
Any thoughts in general!
Hi, Sandra! Welcome to Frettie, and thanks for sharing your song with us.
I like the folk-picking feel. Glad it has some movement to it- not just a slow ballad.
like the detail of his hands shaking as he turned the cap. Nice!
The line “everything that is once was a puzzling dilemma” was really hard to hear and process- the words just come so fast. Plus the break in the phrasing makes it sound like
“everything that is once was”
“a puzzling dilemma”
almost like they’re two thoughts. If there’s a way to break up the phrasing to make the thought more digestible, it would really help. Something like
“Everything this is here now…
was once a dilemma”
If I didn’t have the lyrics in front of me, I never would’ve caught the real meaning of the line- or at least I would’ve missed several of the lines that followed as I put the lyrical puzzle together in my mind.
Hope that helps! Please take a moment to leave a comment on another writer’s song. It doesn’t have to be super-detailed or anything. Just a thought or two about the song. (Also, the best way to GET feedback is to GIVE feedback.) Thanks!
December 30, 2017
Thank you both for the feedback. I agree about the awkwardness of that one line! I’ll work on it. Happy holidays!
December 30, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
Not much to add to what has been said, other than another vote in favour of the bounce and movement of the track and the picking, which is awesome!
January 01, 2018
Very nicely crafted song about something/someone personal. Often those are the ones I feel that are the toughest to write.
A few suggestions that I would make (one I just started doing myself) is read out loud the song like a story and I found you are more likely to hear and catch those words and things that may not fit as well.
In the verses count the syllables and put the number at the end of each line, I find it helps keep the flow of the verses the same. For example in your first verse line #1 it has 11 syllables…and in your first line of verse 2 it has 16.
And lastly (this may or may not go against some of our fellow writers thoughts about writing but here goes… a rhyming dictionary…or even better if you can do it look at investing in something like Master Writer. It’s a software tool that is rhyming dictionary on steroids…
I hope I have not over stepped any boundaries with my comments…they are only to help…
I do LOVE the song!!!!
January 04, 2018
Once again I enjoy the music and the singing so much . Definentaly folk. Had little hard time following story but I get. Got it . Outstanding
January 15, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
Sandra, GREAT imagery! His hands shook, walls packed with jars…nuts and bolts, etc. Nice job. The only line that gave me pause was, ‘Everything that is once was a puzzling dilemma’. Not sure what this means or how it fits in? Music fits it well.
July 08, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
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My grandpa was known by everyone around
That he could fix or build anything
With weathered rough hands, he’d start from the ground
And construct every masterpiece
Chorus:
He said Take the tools that you’ve been given
In your mind know the reason
to everything that you create
Everything that is once was a puzzling dilemma
And wisdom comes to those who know to wait
He gave his days to a company and almost every evening
He spent in his shop beneath the stairs
The walls were packed with jars of nuts and bolts from floor to ceiling
And waste was something that he could not bear
I was small and only ten the day I needed his assistance
A tire on my bike was out of air
This man who built a legacy of handcrafted persistence
Knelt down to me and filled it up with care
His hands shook as he turned the cap between his fingers
No job to him was too high or low
I watched and waited, quietly I contemplated
His plaid shirt and white hair his halo and robe
When I think about those days, they seem so far away
How fondly I see those memories
I’m sure he’s fixing up those mansions, with gold instead of branches
And tells those saints the same he told to me.
1
Really nice picking on this one and your voice is great. Nice positive message too! Good work!
December 29, 2017
1
Hi, Sandra! Welcome to Frettie, and thanks for sharing your song with us.
I like the folk-picking feel. Glad it has some movement to it- not just a slow ballad.
like the detail of his hands shaking as he turned the cap. Nice!
The line “everything that is once was a puzzling dilemma” was really hard to hear and process- the words just come so fast. Plus the break in the phrasing makes it sound like
“everything that is once was”
“a puzzling dilemma”
almost like they’re two thoughts. If there’s a way to break up the phrasing to make the thought more digestible, it would really help. Something like
“Everything this is here now…
was once a dilemma”
If I didn’t have the lyrics in front of me, I never would’ve caught the real meaning of the line- or at least I would’ve missed several of the lines that followed as I put the lyrical puzzle together in my mind.
Hope that helps! Please take a moment to leave a comment on another writer’s song. It doesn’t have to be super-detailed or anything. Just a thought or two about the song. (Also, the best way to GET feedback is to GIVE feedback.) Thanks!
December 30, 2017
0
Thank you both for the feedback. I agree about the awkwardness of that one line! I’ll work on it. Happy holidays!
December 30, 2017
1
Not much to add to what has been said, other than another vote in favour of the bounce and movement of the track and the picking, which is awesome!
January 01, 2018
1
Very nicely crafted song about something/someone personal. Often those are the ones I feel that are the toughest to write.
A few suggestions that I would make (one I just started doing myself) is read out loud the song like a story and I found you are more likely to hear and catch those words and things that may not fit as well.
In the verses count the syllables and put the number at the end of each line, I find it helps keep the flow of the verses the same. For example in your first verse line #1 it has 11 syllables…and in your first line of verse 2 it has 16.
And lastly (this may or may not go against some of our fellow writers thoughts about writing but here goes… a rhyming dictionary…or even better if you can do it look at investing in something like Master Writer. It’s a software tool that is rhyming dictionary on steroids…
I hope I have not over stepped any boundaries with my comments…they are only to help…
I do LOVE the song!!!!
January 04, 2018
0
Once again I enjoy the music and the singing so much . Definentaly folk. Had little hard time following story but I get. Got it . Outstanding
January 15, 2018
0
Sandra, GREAT imagery! His hands shook, walls packed with jars…nuts and bolts, etc. Nice job. The only line that gave me pause was, ‘Everything that is once was a puzzling dilemma’. Not sure what this means or how it fits in? Music fits it well.
July 08, 2018
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Chad Sellers
Really nice picking on this one and your voice is great. Nice positive message too! Good work!
December 29, 2017