Written for the "Carolina Chocolate Drops" as a song pitch but was passed on. A story all too often experienced of big business taking over smaller ones and the aftermath...
I am wondering if it may sound better in a different style...maybe less country...or more country.
Thoughts and feedback please...
I’m with Brent on the last line of chorus. I don’t have a good suggestion though, sorry. Also, the line that ends “world we live upon” seems too formal for the rest of the song.
I like this (what I hear as) Americana sound with alot of picking and rhythm. Not sure if tracking it as a country song and maybe a deeper voice or female voice would make it better or not.
I don’t know enough about the markets out there for songs.
This is a really ambitious song and I feel like you packed alot of words into it but maybe a few more images would help. Was it a flour mill or what kind? Was the mill made of limestone? color? Perched on the side of the missouri river? In middle of town? Did daddy not even get dressed anymore since he lost the job or what image of his sadness can we hold onto?
I’d like to talk with you further and maybe co-write something. Cheers!
December 25, 2017
I love it keep the music as is ..very folkish. I agree on the one line about true. I usually don’t read the other comments b4 listing but I thought same thing. I love this style music though. Right from the heart.
January 15, 2018
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Something at the end of the chorus that makes us want more. Or feel like we missed out on something. That leaves us humming the toon at the end of a sad story. Like. and this is just a quick example.
and we laid to rest a man you never knew, never knew, you never knew. A honest man. so true, that you never knew that you never knew.
That to me makes me feel like I missed out on something. Like he is me. The man that you should have known that you didn’t. I think a lot of people feel like that. They they are not known, but would like to be know. So when you’re upset you can hum that. You never knew you never knew.
January 25, 2018
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Tony, I enjoyed and can relate to your song. Se raised our family in the timber industry in Forks, Washington. And, yes, then the cedar market died. Thanks!
February 06, 2018
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Verse 1
The mill was in our home town since before my daddy’s day
And every man for miles around worked there to earn a pay
But daddy took that job with pride, it made him feel complete
It kept us fed, a roof over our head and from livin’ on the street
Verse 2
When times change, that can bring loss; the mill was doomed to go
Because cheaper work and lower wages at a plant in Tupelo
Meant more to them than the families and the lives in this here town
First went the mill then my daddy; now they’re both in the ground
Chorus
Cause the day they closed the mill was the day my daddy died
His body lived on a few more years but there was nothing left inside
He tried to find his-self a job but that mill was all he knew
We laid to rest, and said goodbye, to the man we loved so true
Solo
Verse 3
Now we’re all grown with kids our own wish he could see us now
The lives he formed and the families I know would make him proud
But the mill, that plant in Tupelo and daddy are all gone
As time moves on, all turns to dust, in this world we live upon
Chorus
And the day they closed the mill was the day my daddy died
His body lived on a few more years but there was nothing left inside
He tried to find his-self a job but that mill was all he knew
We laid to rest, and said goodbye, to the man we loved so true
The day they closed the mill was the day my daddy died
His body lived on a few more years but there was nothing left inside
He tried to find his-self a job but that mill was all he knew
We laid to rest, and said goodbye, to the man we loved so true
Yes the day they closed the mill was the day my daddy died…
Tony True
SOCAN
June 17, 2016
0
Hey, Tony!
Thanks for sharing your song with us. There’s some nice stuff happening here. I like the top 3 lines of the chorus.
But the last line and the “loved so true” ending fell a little flat for me. Almost like you were just finishing the rhyme from the line before more than you were really telling us something new or powerful. And that last line of the chorus is powerful, important real estate. You want to use it wisely.
Hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
December 19, 2017
1
I’m with Brent on the last line of chorus. I don’t have a good suggestion though, sorry. Also, the line that ends “world we live upon” seems too formal for the rest of the song.
I like this (what I hear as) Americana sound with alot of picking and rhythm. Not sure if tracking it as a country song and maybe a deeper voice or female voice would make it better or not.
I don’t know enough about the markets out there for songs.
This is a really ambitious song and I feel like you packed alot of words into it but maybe a few more images would help. Was it a flour mill or what kind? Was the mill made of limestone? color? Perched on the side of the missouri river? In middle of town? Did daddy not even get dressed anymore since he lost the job or what image of his sadness can we hold onto?
I’d like to talk with you further and maybe co-write something. Cheers!
December 25, 2017
0
I love it keep the music as is ..very folkish. I agree on the one line about true. I usually don’t read the other comments b4 listing but I thought same thing. I love this style music though. Right from the heart.
January 15, 2018
0
Something at the end of the chorus that makes us want more. Or feel like we missed out on something. That leaves us humming the toon at the end of a sad story. Like. and this is just a quick example.
and we laid to rest a man you never knew, never knew, you never knew. A honest man. so true, that you never knew that you never knew.
That to me makes me feel like I missed out on something. Like he is me. The man that you should have known that you didn’t. I think a lot of people feel like that. They they are not known, but would like to be know. So when you’re upset you can hum that. You never knew you never knew.
January 25, 2018
0
Tony, I enjoyed and can relate to your song. Se raised our family in the timber industry in Forks, Washington. And, yes, then the cedar market died. Thanks!
February 06, 2018
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Brent Baxter
Hey, Tony!
Thanks for sharing your song with us. There’s some nice stuff happening here. I like the top 3 lines of the chorus.
But the last line and the “loved so true” ending fell a little flat for me. Almost like you were just finishing the rhyme from the line before more than you were really telling us something new or powerful. And that last line of the chorus is powerful, important real estate. You want to use it wisely.
Hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
December 19, 2017
No members have liked this comment.