This is my first go at the SongTopic.com "song prompt" for the week of February 3 which was to use the phrase "obvious to me". Love this service that's free to Frettie members this month because it's given my creativity some focus.
What feels good? What feels awkward? Either musically, lyrically, or in the arrangement?
Thanks JT, good insights! Actually, I wrote the song completely from a relational standpoint, but as I go back over I can see the undertones you’re seeing. You’re also right in that I intentionally stayed away from a rhyming pattern. Everything I was coming with was very predictable. I tried to do what you suggested in the bridge “away/stay”. Thanks for the suggestions and insights! I’m still kicking this one around. I wrote 4 second verses…
February 07, 2014
Cool song, Matt… I’m ok with free verse, and rhyme schemes can almost even be distracting if one tries too hard, so that’s all cool with me… I will say that the one thing that came to my mind was that it sounded very ‘wordy’... Like there was a lot you wanted to say and you were able to make it fit. I’ve found that my attention span is becomming shorter and shorter unless there is a clear and uncluttered thought. If you think out the phrases a little, consolidate, I think you can get the same exact message across but with fewer words. I’d also encourage you to change up the musical structure a little, and notstrum the whole time. Fingerpick a little, (not a lot, just some), change it up a bit, even maybe to match the mood of the current phrase, make it an important part of the song instead of just the music underneath your singing, and the musical line will also hold attention longer.. Come up with a riff that is memorable, in the way that you remembered the intro riff to “on your side”, but make it totally personalized.. I really do like the theme and the sentiment. Very real. Good story! Inspiring me to get more involved here and gt some new ideas.. Thanks!
February 13, 2014
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Obvious To Me
Far away somewhere in your mind said you were leaving
those eyes said you were gone
But it always takes a little while for your heart to catch your mind
As l feel you pull away, I know it will
Run away afraid to face a past that’s in your future
But It’s all you know to do
Now I wonder if you reached a place where you no longer try
As l watch you pull away, I know you will
Its obvious to me you don’t want to hurt me with the words
but you hurt me with the distance
You already know, you’re already gone
but all the implications overwhelm your heart
you haven’t sorted out how you will go
You don’t have to run, you don’t have to leave, I’m not chasing you away
It’s obvious to me today is not the past, but you don’t know how to stay
Its obvious to me you don’t want to hurt me with the words
but you hurt me with the distance
You already know, you’re already gone
but all the implications overwhelm your heart
you haven’t sorted out how you will go (x2)
But its obvious to me
1
Matt,
Just returning the favor of your critique. I like this song’s message and tone a lot, and the title is very nice. I’m going to go on a limb here and say that this song has some spiritual connotations? It sounds like a great worship song with the phrasing and melodies, just reminds me of worship and I know you’re also a pastor.
One structural critique I’ll make is that this song lacks rhyme scheme, but I’m thinking that might have been a deliberate choice. While I really like the “free-ness” of the song, I also think that some lyrical structure could help compliment the lines you’d really like to emphasize. I’m not saying you should compromise the “free-line, free-verse, free-sounding vibe” you have going on because I like that approach you’re taking (sort of a fusion of worship / contemporary Daughtry pop) but I do think you could maybe try some “here-and-there” dispersing of structure to really bring out and compliment your moments of free-line confessional stuff. P.S. some of Taylor Swift’s best lines / verses lack rhyme scheme and it totally works, but then by the prechorus she’ll bring in the rhyme scheme to compliment it. Listen to “Mean” and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
That’s all I’ve got. Nice production by the way man, you might like this guy by the name of Glen Phillips (he was in a band called toad the wet sprocket) I think you’d really like him / them. Also Peter Bradley Adams is another awesome contemporary solo acoustic guy you might want to check into if you have a sec.
Rock on
JT
February 07, 2014
1
Thanks JT, good insights! Actually, I wrote the song completely from a relational standpoint, but as I go back over I can see the undertones you’re seeing. You’re also right in that I intentionally stayed away from a rhyming pattern. Everything I was coming with was very predictable. I tried to do what you suggested in the bridge “away/stay”. Thanks for the suggestions and insights! I’m still kicking this one around. I wrote 4 second verses…
February 07, 2014
0
Cool song, Matt… I’m ok with free verse, and rhyme schemes can almost even be distracting if one tries too hard, so that’s all cool with me… I will say that the one thing that came to my mind was that it sounded very ‘wordy’... Like there was a lot you wanted to say and you were able to make it fit. I’ve found that my attention span is becomming shorter and shorter unless there is a clear and uncluttered thought. If you think out the phrases a little, consolidate, I think you can get the same exact message across but with fewer words. I’d also encourage you to change up the musical structure a little, and notstrum the whole time. Fingerpick a little, (not a lot, just some), change it up a bit, even maybe to match the mood of the current phrase, make it an important part of the song instead of just the music underneath your singing, and the musical line will also hold attention longer.. Come up with a riff that is memorable, in the way that you remembered the intro riff to “on your side”, but make it totally personalized.. I really do like the theme and the sentiment. Very real. Good story! Inspiring me to get more involved here and gt some new ideas.. Thanks!
February 13, 2014
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JT Hillier
Matt,
Just returning the favor of your critique. I like this song’s message and tone a lot, and the title is very nice. I’m going to go on a limb here and say that this song has some spiritual connotations? It sounds like a great worship song with the phrasing and melodies, just reminds me of worship and I know you’re also a pastor.
One structural critique I’ll make is that this song lacks rhyme scheme, but I’m thinking that might have been a deliberate choice. While I really like the “free-ness” of the song, I also think that some lyrical structure could help compliment the lines you’d really like to emphasize. I’m not saying you should compromise the “free-line, free-verse, free-sounding vibe” you have going on because I like that approach you’re taking (sort of a fusion of worship / contemporary Daughtry pop) but I do think you could maybe try some “here-and-there” dispersing of structure to really bring out and compliment your moments of free-line confessional stuff. P.S. some of Taylor Swift’s best lines / verses lack rhyme scheme and it totally works, but then by the prechorus she’ll bring in the rhyme scheme to compliment it. Listen to “Mean” and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
That’s all I’ve got. Nice production by the way man, you might like this guy by the name of Glen Phillips (he was in a band called toad the wet sprocket) I think you’d really like him / them. Also Peter Bradley Adams is another awesome contemporary solo acoustic guy you might want to check into if you have a sec.
Rock on
JT
February 07, 2014