A work-in-progress about a girl who no longer believes life can be a dream.
Any and all feedback welcome! I've had the concept and chorus for this song bouncing around in my head for months and have tried writing different structures, verses, and melodies around it from time to time. Nothing ever quite seems like a complete, coherent song to me... but let me know if you think differently!
You must be signed in to post feedback.
Why can't it be like it is in the stories
you lay on your bed, filled with fear and sadness, wonder and worry
the fairy tales mom told you when you grew up
never had a moment where the whole world dropped
right out from under your feet
all your life
you've been chasing after
sunshine
and endless laughter
i know it's hard times
but once you've read this chapter
what if you'll have
happily ever after all?
life goes askew, it's never as planned
but knowing you, you'll hold on with both hands
although I can't be there to help you along
the least I can do is to give you my song
and hope it gives you the strength you need
all your life
you've been chasing after
sunshine
and endless laughter
i know it's hard times
but once you've read this chapter
what if you'll have
happily ever after all?
0
I’m pretty much a fan of everything you do. This is no exception. Very nice melody, plus I enjoy the sentiment. A couple of things to think about: 1) the phrasing of the last line of each verse, to me, felt awkward. 2) the line “although I can’t be there to help you along” begs a bunch of questions. Who are you to this person? Why can’t you be there? I felt like this line left me hanging and wanting to know more. And as those thoughts went through my mind, I found I had missed the rest of the verse. 3) might it be stronger if instead of “read this chapter” you said something like “but after you’ve lived this chapter/maybe you’ll have/happily ever after all”
Just some thoughts about an already great song.
January 12, 2014
Do you want to have this song reviewed by an industry professional or a hit songwriter? Click on any of the professionals below to purchase your review.
Brent Baxter:
Pro Songwriter
$25.00/Song
Sam & Becca Mizell:
Hit Songwriters
$50.00/Song
Tell your peers about professional song reviews on Songwriting Pro.
×
Dick Plunk
I’m pretty much a fan of everything you do. This is no exception. Very nice melody, plus I enjoy the sentiment. A couple of things to think about: 1) the phrasing of the last line of each verse, to me, felt awkward. 2) the line “although I can’t be there to help you along” begs a bunch of questions. Who are you to this person? Why can’t you be there? I felt like this line left me hanging and wanting to know more. And as those thoughts went through my mind, I found I had missed the rest of the verse. 3) might it be stronger if instead of “read this chapter” you said something like “but after you’ve lived this chapter/maybe you’ll have/happily ever after all”
Just some thoughts about an already great song.
January 12, 2014
No members have liked this comment.