Linne Black

Another beautiful song, Rick! Sweet emotional content! It’s great the way it is, but if you’re in the mood to revisit a few things, here goes:

I was thinking that it might benefit the song if you use some conversational language here and there, such as, instead of blaming the world for being cruel to you again, say something like “This crazy job’s kicked my butt again”, or “this crazy day”. Just narrow it in on something that the average guy can relate to.

In your chorus, since you’ve already used a couple of “I don’t"s in your lift, maybe start your chorus with something else.
What about: “You don’t have to say I’ll be okay, or tell me that I’m not the one to blame”
Further down in you chorus,  perhaps “and not a word”..and maybe “sweet healin’ from this hurt”..

In your second verse, the word “difficult” is a very awkward word to end a line with. I’d look for something else, and besides, this song is not about him having faults…it’s about those moments of weakness that every man experiences sometimes. So why not say something like, “Life can be tough, even when I’m strong”. (I’m sure you can think up something better than my suggestions)

Not sure about the “You build walls” ..and not sure what she shields with the walls.. You might want to work on that line..Could it be that her love surrounds him like a wall when…something or other..

Your bridge is somewhat long, in my opinion. the first two lines say it all..
Than come back with the second half of the verse: When you wrap your arms around me etc..

Hope my observations have helped, Rick. If not, just never mind’em and keep rollin’!
Sincerely,
Linne Black
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I JUST NEED YOU
(Written by: Rick Allan Lane)

Verse
So here I am, and I’ll be damned
This crazy world’s been cruel to me again
You rush in, yeah, you’ve always been
My rock, my shelter, babe, you’re my best friend

Lift
But I don’t wanna talk about it, don’t wanna sort it out
I just wanna be close enough to get lost in you now

Chorus
I don’t need to hear I’ll be okay
I don’t need to hear I’m not to blame
Or what to do
I just need you
To wrap your arms around me and don’t say a word
And to give me shelter me from this hurt
The way you do
I just need you
I just need you

Verse
I have my faults, yeah, I can be difficult
I thank God that you are here to catch me when I fall
You build walls, you shield it all
You make anything that feels so bad seem so small

Lift
I just wanna feel that solitude I feel when it’s just me and you
Sometimes it’s more than any words can do to get me through

Chorus

Bridge
To be my cleansing rain
You wash it all away again
There’s nothing that I need to say
It don’t matter anyway
And I’ll be okay
You make me okay

Chorus

Rick Lane

Thank you, Linne. You made some great points. You know, you pointed out that “difficult” line and men being vulnerable, and it reminded me. I originally wrote this song from a woman’s perspective. I guess I kind of forgot, but I originally wrote this for a friend’s band that had a girl singer. The whole “I don’t need you to tell me how to fix things or what I need to do. I just want you to hold me and make me feel better. Just make me feel loved”. And he’s the rock, the shelter, the big wall protecting her, etc. That might make it feel different to you, or maybe not. Lol.
Oh, and difficult is my rhyme with faults. Lol.
And, thank you for pointing out that I use the word “don’t” so many times. I never noticed, and now it’s bothering me a bit.
Thank you again for the detailed feedback. This is the kind of stuff I was hoping to gain from this site when I joined a few weeks ago.

Linne Black

Actually, Rick..From my viewpoint as a woman, I kinda like the fact that a man is not afraid to show a weakness once in awhile (which they do, if they’re real about it) and I like the woman being the strong one for him sometimes. Besides, the female gender these days , for the most part, are no longer seeing themselves as the weaker sex..they are stronger, more confident, more outspoken, and more independent. But, at the same time, they are still loving, compassionate, empathetic, and understanding..I guess that if I were a female artist, I probably wouldn’t be drawn to sing this. I would if I were a big, strong guy, though.  Lol!!  (I’m speaking for only myself and nobody else)

Rick Lane

Thank you for sharing your opinion from a woman’s perspective, Linne. You make really good points about this subject, and how female and male artists may react when imagining them as the artist that would have to perform a song like this.

Xave Ryan

Hi Rick
Love this.  I actually like that second line about the crazy world .  I know Linn wasnt “crazy” about it LOL.  I agree on that point about the word “difficult”.  It’s one of those words that is really hard to sing.  Some words roll off the tongue and others seem like they will never fit in a song.
If I may, just one quick thing that hit me was in the bridge.  The word okay is there twice and it follows very similar rhyming.  “say, away, okay, okay”.  Sorry, I’m not trying to be picky,  Just a small thing.
Beautiful song my man.

Rick Lane

Thanks for the feedback, Xave. I appreciate it. That one line about being difficult it clunky and clumsy. I do like the word though. Maybe if I had phrased it better in the vocal, and maybe worded it something like “Yeah, I’m difficult” that would allow it to sing smoother and have more room to stretch “difficult” out to make it sing easier. I agree that that line does not sing well that way I did it… On that other line, you make a good point. I like the idea of “you make me feel okay”, but there is a place to “add more” to the song with that second to last line. Even if it were something simple like “I love the way/ You make me okay”... Your comment about how some lines read or sing smoothly and roll nicely off the tongue, while others don’t, is a great point. That is something that I’ve gotten better at and have tried to focus on more lately. (Note: this song was written several years ago). I try to speak/sing the lines more to try to get the phrasing and words to be smoother. It seems to help when I try to use similar sounding vowels and/or consonants, or inner rhymes, etc. And it’s fun and rewarding when you come up with a line that just sounds good rolling off the tongue… Thanks again for listening and for the feedback. Getting feedback on songs, especially songs that are “in process”, was one the reasons I joined this site. There’s not a lot of folks that take the time to offer feedback, even if it’s a one word “yeah” or “nay”. Lol.

Xave Ryan

You’re very welcome Rick. You’ve got some terrific songs here on the site so its great to reach out and touch base (and make new friends   )  I think its important to listen to other peoples songs.  I looked at a musicians contact FB page here in Dublin but left it quite quickly.  Everyone n it was just posting links to their songs looking for loads of “likes”  But they never went to anyone else’s page.  It was all a bit “me,me,me.”  But I digress.  Ah the joys of being a headless chicken.    Have you considered simply reversing that line.  If you said Im difficult and have my faults.  The word “faults” then rhymes with “fall” and “all”.  Well its at least what they call a near rhyme.  That way you still have the word difficult in there and it might be easier to sing if its not the last word of the line.  just a thought     Keep it going Rick.  Great work,  Xave

Rick Lane

Thanks, Xave. I totally understand what you’re saying about that other feedback site. This site seems to only have a handful of people that regularly post feedback, but I think there are also a lot of people that are posting their songs completed, and looking for pats on the back, more so than feedback of their songs in process. That’s okay too. It’s a nice place to get your songs heard… I posted a lyrics only version of my newest song, Sleepless Nights, for feedback of the lyrics. I asked specifically for feedback, but didn’t get really any feedback. I thought it was because there wasn’t any music with it, so when I came up with a melody and music for it, I posted a simple work tape of it, asking for feedback, and still no feedback. I’ve since posted a full demo, but my point was that there doesn’t seem to be a lot of mutual feedback and help among all of us on here. I was a little disappointed with that at first, but I’m okay with it. I decided that everyone is really busy, busy working on their own songwriting journey, and everyone’s time is valuable, so I’ll take whatever feedback I can get…. I really joined mainly to get access to all of Brent’s videos, interviews, and tutorials. This posting songs for feedback is just an added bonus… I think maybe people who actually want feedback could be more specific about what they’re looking for specifically for feedback, such as lyrics, melody, production, etc… Let me know when you get your next song posted, so that I can return the favor with some feedback!

Xave Ryan

Hi Rick.  I think Im exactly on the same page as you in pretty much everything you said there.  Likewise, I joined for the educational aspect of what Brent offers.  I’ll do a search for Sleepless Nights.  Thanks for the feedback offer     Now that I;ve been laid off Im at home so I should have the song ready to upload over the next couple of days.  It’s called Put This Life In Drive.  Hope your keeping safe my friend.  Im on FB by the way if you ever feel like firing off a friend request or such,

Rick Lane

I took down the worktape version of that song recently, but you’ve already listened and commented on Sleepless Nights… And, I’m not on facebook, but thank you for the friend request anyway!... Can’t wait to hear your new song, with an interesting title! There’s just so much that goes into a new song, ya know? Gotta have a great title, intro can’t be too long, gotta have a killer first line, gotta have a hooky melody, hooky chorus, no cliches, visual imagery but also with emotion, second verse can’t say the same thing the first verse did, gotta say something a little different than it’s been said before,  should it have a bridge or not, can’t be longer than about 3-4 minutes, etc. But we all love it, right! Lol.

Xave Ryan

Bro I swear we must be related.  Im reading your comments and Im goin “yep, yep, yep, agree with that, that too, and that”.  LOL.  I dont know about you Rick, but speaking of cliches, does it bug the hell out of you the number of songs throwing in mentions of George, Hank, Johnny, Willy.  It seems you have a pathetic reference to at least one of those guys.  Im not a fan of any of them to b e honest. Im a bit more country rock really.  I wonder do ANY of those singers actually have Willy on their phones or itunes.  Or George etc.  Most likely not.  sorry…rant over haha.  Will have the song soon.  I listened to a mix this evening and noticed the guitars have no high end and are a bit muddy.  So i need to revisit that before doing a master.  But its on the way

Rick Lane

I guess I need to go back and check to make sure I don’t have any of those names referenced in any of my lyrics! Lol. I do have one I’ve been playing around with that rhymes Waylon with Van Halen. You know, that’s a tough one for me, because I am one that doesn’t listen to very much classic country, but I’m maybe okay with referencing the great legends of the past if it’s sort of paying tribute to them. That’s better than a cheapy reference about crankin’ some Hank in my 4 x 4 pickup truck with my Daisy Duke slidin’ up next to me. Lol.

Xave Ryan

LOL…crankin Hank, Daisy Duke,  oooh we all know that song.  Hey Rick ..... look….a dirt road and a water tower.  wow

Rick Lane

Thing is, those images do put us right there in the song, and most people can relate to cruising the back roads, having a good time, with the radio cranked up. It takes us all back to a memory, or it makes us want to be in that song. And, you gotta have a girl in a country song, right? I guess I just remind myself that, even though there’s a LOT of those songs out there, those dang songs are on the radio, and none of mine are, so they must be doing something right, you know?

Xave Ryan

Well that’s true and of course its impossible to write a song about something new.  Every song, melody and lyric possible….has already been written.  I suppose it wouldn’t really be a country song if we wrote “shake your booty on the floor”.    But its hard to know where to turn.  You see if you look at the pitching opportunities with taxi, NSAI etc they all say NO BRO COUNTRY.  So the publishers are saying they’re tired of that but yet its all over the charts as say.  And of course the problem for us guys is that those songs in the chart were either written by famous guy or a writer he knows.  So they can pretty much do what they want.  We have our work cut out for us trying to write something original because thats pretty much impossible.  It’s like try to make up a sentence that no one has used before.  Im trying to stick to more rock style up tempo stuff in the hops that the vibe and groove of the song get noticed. It certainly wont be lyrics.  Well its time for some DIY and then back to the music     Hope your weekend is going well….even if the bars are closed

Rick Lane

I think you hit right on it. Not sure if you watched it or not, but in the beginning of Brent’s most recent JAM Session from this past week, he talks about your point directly. It was really interesting. He said that publishers aren’t looking for the outside bro country songs, because they could have a 100 great ones sent to them in a day, but they can’t get them cut because those are all written within the artist’s little circle. The best part of that topic he covered was the list of 10 songs that the one publisher referenced. I would say that, at least 7 of those 10 were all those “How did they develop that idea” or “I wish I’d written that song” kind of songs. Really, really high bar to set. Especially for someone like myself that doesn’t live in Nashville, doesn’t cowrite, tries to write commercially, but also treats it like a hobby and assumes I’ll never get a major cut, for my own sanity. I mean, shoot, The House That Built Me was on that list. I swear that I’d only heard that song a time or two when I told my wife that it was going to be song of the year, and it ends up being the song of the decade. Lol. And those guys spent about 8 years working on and off on that song. And, they were already a couple of the top writers at their craft. So, if all publishers and A&R guys are looking for songs that measure up to those 10 songs, we’re all looking for that lightning in a bottle, right? But…we all want to write the next The House That Built Me, and that’s what drives our ambition, right! It’s a thrill when you actually finish a song, and you think it doesn’t totally suck! It’s fun and rewarding, even if Miranda Lambert doesn’t ever hear it…. PS - It sounds like the bars around here are going to be close until June or even July. It’s cheaper having a drink at home, so… we’ve got that going for us.