Wayne Pope

Hey Rick, I like your song!  First impression is the nice groove.  I’m engaged right away.  I like the space you give in the opening verse and the build into the chorus. I like the story and the way you line it out. 
You suggested flipping verses in one of my songs and it helped. I used it and (eventually!) made it work. So I’ll proceed boldly, hoping that this helps.
2nd verse: I think might work with more ease as:  “I wish those words wouldn’t make you miss him; that he was out of your system.” To me the word “system” goes easier there.  Then you might do something similar with the next line. To my ear the word “mysterious” sounds somewhat out of character for country.  Mystery would work better.  I know the rhyme scheme changes. 
Those are my thoughts on a song I really like.  Again, thanks for your ideas on my stuff.
Best wishes, Wayne

Rick Lane

Hi Wayne,
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it…. I should start by pointing out that this wasn’t written as a country song. Not sure that changes your points or not, but I wanted to point that out. I should’ve mentioned that in the notes, since this is predominantly a country songwriting kind of site…. When I sing or say those words “miss him” and “system” and flip-flop them in the melody, I do like how they sing better and more smoothly. My issue though is that I feel like that second line about “wishing those words wouldn’t make you miss him” kind of set of that third line about how they “stuck a chord” with her, whereas the system line doesn’t do that as well. I’m not disagreeing with your suggestions. I’m just not sure I like how that changes the flow of the lines or the story…. Your second comment about the word “mysterious” made me laugh a little, and it’s another perfect example about how subjective songs and song lyrics can be, and how what one person likes, the next person may not like, so a songwriter cannot get too high or too low on feedback they receive from listeners. Here in this song, that word “mysterious” jumped out as not sounding right, but when I was writing this song, I was so excited and geeked up when I came up with the rhymes of “mysterious” and “here with us”. I thought I was really doing something awesome, cool, and unique. Lol. When I listen to songs, I really listen and look for really cool rhymes that people come up with in hit songs, so when I came up that that rhyme, I thought that would be the two lines that would really impress listeners. Lol. I see I missed the mark with you, but that’s okay. That’s the “thrill of victory” and the “agony of defeat” we all deal with as songwriters!.... Once again, thank you for taking the time to listen and thank you for the critique. Very much appreciated. Gook luck with your writing!