Children that have been tossed into foster care and ended up runaways living on the streets and surviving any way that they can. Looking and hoping for a better life
Written by Mike McCorison Melody and demo singer J Sins
Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you
Hi Brent
Thanks for your feedback on Victim of the System and I know its a tough topic to write about but it just hit me one day and started pouring out so I went with it and this is how it came out. You hear so many stories in the news and such about how kids getting tossed about and end up on the streets and its very sad. I wrote it to hopefully give some hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and people out there that care. Anyways yes I purposely left out who was helping this girl on that verse just to make people think about who it could be. It really is the preacher from the mission that takes her by the hand and gives her the help and hope to finally get off the streets. I will revamp that to say its the preacher to be more clear if you feel that could make it a better song. I appreciate your time and look forward to putting more lyrics out and getting feedback! I am planning on spending more time now that winter is here in Minnesota to become a better song writer and I am enjoying your site very much. Take care
December 17, 2019
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Hey Brent
What do you think of these revisions?
The preacher takes her hand and walks her to
the mission down the street
She prays that he can ease her pain
And resurrect her from these streets
Appreciate your feedback Brent! Thank you
December 20, 2019
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Mike, I really like the truth to your songs. Well written, easy to follow and I read Brent’s feedback and yours and that was the only thing I was confused about too, who was the man. Looks like you solved it:) You have a really picturesque way of writing and I just listen for the next line…
December 28, 2019
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Hi Kay
I appreciate your feedback on my songwriting. Its nice to hear that from other songwriters. I am just a novice at this and this is the first site I have joined to try and become a better writer and hopefully find others that may want to collaborate and see where it could lead. The dream for all of us to get a song on the radio right!!! Take care and keep writing….
December 31, 2019
No members have liked this comment.
Hi Mike, I really like the melody, the opening verse, the lyrics overall and the path of the story of finding God and not a government program for help. One thought about the villain of the story: “Prisoner of some foster care” paints foster care with a broad and negative brush. There are a lot of good people in foster care – many of the them who see it as part of their religious calling – who give of themselves and try to do their best to help kids who have been in unsolvable (perhaps temporarily), destructive family situations. There is no denying that some kids get lost in the foster care system. Many have also been helped. Is there a way to make it more specific or perhaps touch on what got her into foster care in the first place? Perhaps that is the real villain of the story. Thanks for putting your song out there. It is a meaningful song.
January 06, 2020
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Hi Peter
Thanks for listening to my song and I really appreciate your thoughts and input. I know when I wrote it I knew that there are a lot of great people out there that are foster parents and I wish all children could have the opportunity to have folks like that. This song kind of just rolled of my tongue in a hurry and I thought it might get more people thinking about the system and how they can improve it if they here the negative side of it. I do see your point on this though as you wrote in your comments and may revisit this again. Thanks again and take care
January 07, 2020
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Victim of the system
She looks like
The back side of thirty
Yet she’s only twenty one
She lives life the hard way
Like a felon on the run
She hangs near the light pole
Beneath its spotlight
Watching for the drive by’s
To find her Mr. Right
Chorus:
She’s a victim of the system
Runaway from home
Tossed into some foster care
Where lots of kids are thrown
She ran out and can’t let go
Of a life that’s sucked her dry
So she hides behind her makeup
She puts on to disguise
She never sees their faces
For each one looks the same
Another John feeds her habit
And the system all to blame
She parties with the fellas
Tangles with the chicks
Makes a living sinning
Selling dope and turning tricks
Chorus:
She’s a victim of the system
Runaway from home
Tossed into some foster care
Where lots of kids are thrown
She ran out and can’t let go
Of a life that’s sucked her dry
So she hides behind her makeup
She puts on to disguise
Bridge:
She’s killing time and herself
Each day she’s on her feet
Waiting for a chance to
Escape the angry street
And then one night a light comes on
She’s reaches out to him
He has tried to help her in the past
But she never would give in
The preacher takes her hand and walks her to (edited verse)
The mission down the street
She prays that he can ease her pain
And resurrect her from these streets
Chorus:
She’s a victim of the system
Runaway from home
Tossed into some foster care
Where lots of kids are thrown
She ran out long ago
And chose the broken road
But tonight she sees a future
As he carries her heavy load
She ran out long ago
And chose the broken road
But tonight she sees a future
As he carries her heavy load
As he carries her heavy load
(Fade out with x 7)
Victim of the system
Written by Mike McCorison mac5877@msn.com
218-590-0277
0
Hi, Mike! Thanks for sharing your song with us. Man, it’s heavy, that’s for sure. Hard topic. And heartbreaking. Fatherless kids are a personal issue for my family…
Anyway, I’m glad this song has some energy to it. Wouldn’t be good to have this thing be a slow song. You paint the picture clearly. It’s harsh, but I see it. The last verse was kinda confusing. Didn’t know who “he” was. Was it God…? No… it’s a guy… who is he? So more clarity in that verse, please. Could be something as simple as making the first line clear about who “he” is. Well…. looking at you lyric again, I think it IS God. Maybe you were intentionally masking it, but it just confused me and took me out of the story. After all your clarity, it really threw me to have so much ambiguity. Just my thoughts.
Some good stuff here. Keep on writing, and keep on sharing!
December 13, 2019
0
Hi Brent
Thanks for your feedback on Victim of the System and I know its a tough topic to write about but it just hit me one day and started pouring out so I went with it and this is how it came out. You hear so many stories in the news and such about how kids getting tossed about and end up on the streets and its very sad. I wrote it to hopefully give some hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and people out there that care. Anyways yes I purposely left out who was helping this girl on that verse just to make people think about who it could be. It really is the preacher from the mission that takes her by the hand and gives her the help and hope to finally get off the streets. I will revamp that to say its the preacher to be more clear if you feel that could make it a better song. I appreciate your time and look forward to putting more lyrics out and getting feedback! I am planning on spending more time now that winter is here in Minnesota to become a better song writer and I am enjoying your site very much. Take care
December 17, 2019
0
Hey Brent
What do you think of these revisions?
The preacher takes her hand and walks her to
the mission down the street
She prays that he can ease her pain
And resurrect her from these streets
Appreciate your feedback Brent! Thank you
December 20, 2019
0
Mike, I really like the truth to your songs. Well written, easy to follow and I read Brent’s feedback and yours and that was the only thing I was confused about too, who was the man. Looks like you solved it:) You have a really picturesque way of writing and I just listen for the next line…
December 28, 2019
0
Hi Kay
I appreciate your feedback on my songwriting. Its nice to hear that from other songwriters. I am just a novice at this and this is the first site I have joined to try and become a better writer and hopefully find others that may want to collaborate and see where it could lead. The dream for all of us to get a song on the radio right!!! Take care and keep writing….
December 31, 2019
0
Hi Mike, I really like the melody, the opening verse, the lyrics overall and the path of the story of finding God and not a government program for help. One thought about the villain of the story: “Prisoner of some foster care” paints foster care with a broad and negative brush. There are a lot of good people in foster care – many of the them who see it as part of their religious calling – who give of themselves and try to do their best to help kids who have been in unsolvable (perhaps temporarily), destructive family situations. There is no denying that some kids get lost in the foster care system. Many have also been helped. Is there a way to make it more specific or perhaps touch on what got her into foster care in the first place? Perhaps that is the real villain of the story. Thanks for putting your song out there. It is a meaningful song.
January 06, 2020
0
Hi Peter
Thanks for listening to my song and I really appreciate your thoughts and input. I know when I wrote it I knew that there are a lot of great people out there that are foster parents and I wish all children could have the opportunity to have folks like that. This song kind of just rolled of my tongue in a hurry and I thought it might get more people thinking about the system and how they can improve it if they here the negative side of it. I do see your point on this though as you wrote in your comments and may revisit this again. Thanks again and take care
January 07, 2020
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Brent Baxter
Hi, Mike! Thanks for sharing your song with us. Man, it’s heavy, that’s for sure. Hard topic. And heartbreaking. Fatherless kids are a personal issue for my family…
Anyway, I’m glad this song has some energy to it. Wouldn’t be good to have this thing be a slow song. You paint the picture clearly. It’s harsh, but I see it. The last verse was kinda confusing. Didn’t know who “he” was. Was it God…? No… it’s a guy… who is he? So more clarity in that verse, please. Could be something as simple as making the first line clear about who “he” is. Well…. looking at you lyric again, I think it IS God. Maybe you were intentionally masking it, but it just confused me and took me out of the story. After all your clarity, it really threw me to have so much ambiguity. Just my thoughts.
Some good stuff here. Keep on writing, and keep on sharing!
December 13, 2019
No members have liked this comment.