My mother, who was my best friend passed away about 5 weeks ago. When I was young, she would play the piano for hours and I would sing. That was our bonding time. I miss her dearly.
Feedback--I know it is probably not a commercial song, But as a writing experience, I would like whatever feedback will make me a better songwriter. Thanks.
P.S. Like your mother, I am also a pianist (albeit a professional pianist, though you don’t have to hold that against me—HA!).
Also, I am sorry that you lost your mom—you hang in there!
June 12, 2019
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You Left
Copyright Jolene Cheyney
Sit at the piano, play a song you know
My voice, the words, a melody
Feels like today, but it was years ago.
Your empty seat now weighs heavily.
You left me and I can’t figure out why
You left me and I can’t even cry
Since you were only flesh and bone
You left me to sing our song alone.
A keystroke, a sound, but without your grace
A rhythm, lips part and there is song
A recital, I’m dressed in the finest lace
But I miss you everyday, all day long.
You left me and I can’t figure out why
You left me and I can’t even cry
Since you were only flesh and bone
You left me to sing our song alone.
Without you I don’t hear any symphony
How could you leave, don’t you love me?
You left me and I can’t figure out why
You left me and I can’t even cry
Since you were only flesh and bone
You left me to sing our song alone.
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Hi Jolene, a few questions/comments come to mind:
1) A simple question: Do you already have these lyrics set to music, or do you only do lyrics?
2) Several odd places lyrically:
End of first verse (rhyme scheme with “melody”)—“Your empty seat now weighs heavily” - maybe “Your empty seat sits helplessly” or “Your empty seat, your eulogy”
[If you don’t use rhyming dictionary and thesaurus when you write, would definitely suggest that you get them out any time you’re writing lyrics (imho)]
Second verse (again, imho) just seems lyrically awkward.
One last thought—I think your lyrics here would be rather easy to set to nice chords and melody (something of an art song feel).
Best wishes in your songwriting endeavors.
June 12, 2019
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P.S. Like your mother, I am also a pianist (albeit a professional pianist, though you don’t have to hold that against me—HA!).
Also, I am sorry that you lost your mom—you hang in there!
June 12, 2019
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Bob Abner
Hi Jolene, a few questions/comments come to mind:
1) A simple question: Do you already have these lyrics set to music, or do you only do lyrics?
2) Several odd places lyrically:
End of first verse (rhyme scheme with “melody”)—“Your empty seat now weighs heavily” - maybe “Your empty seat sits helplessly” or “Your empty seat, your eulogy”
[If you don’t use rhyming dictionary and thesaurus when you write, would definitely suggest that you get them out any time you’re writing lyrics (imho)]
Second verse (again, imho) just seems lyrically awkward.
One last thought—I think your lyrics here would be rather easy to set to nice chords and melody (something of an art song feel).
Best wishes in your songwriting endeavors.
June 12, 2019
No members have liked this comment.