Hope this is better.
Just be honest.
Hey Jolene—NOTICEABLE IMPROVEMENT (comes much closer to feeling like it would be more comfortable to sing). A few suggestions—1) First verse, third line: drop the “a” and the line becomes “There’s fire she’s been concealing” which accomplishes 2 things (A: a better parallel—“To TOUCH her left you reeling” and “There’s FIRE she’s been concealing” and B) You get the same line across, but with one less word)—JUDICIOUS editing is ALWAYS a good thing—I always try to go back through my lyrics and find the “unnecessary verbiage” (everything that’s not ABSOLUTELY essentially, lyrically).
Anyway, keep at it, and let me repeat—I think this is a noticeable improvement over the other set of these lyrics that you also posted.
And yes, I do think you’re right when you mention a co-writer (someone who would be quite proficient on the “musical” side of the house). Would offer to be involved, if you liked, except right now, I’m having technical problems with my home studio (have a feeling I’m going to have to sink some money into a new keyboard controller, so I’m currently “saving up my egg money”!!! HA!)
July 23, 2018
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EDIT 6-2-18
Fire in the Ice
Verse:
To touch her left you reeling
Feel the nip and chill
There's a fire she's been concealing ,
The blaze is burning still.
Chorus:
Can you see it in my eyes?
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
Verse:
The ice is part of her armor
To protect a heart so precious
It won't be taken by any charmer
He must prove he's not dangerous
Chorus:
Can you see it in my eyes?
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
Verse:
The salt in the tears you shed
Begins to melt through
Not sadness, but tenderness instead
If she gives her heart, will you be true?
Bridge:
Kiss, Kiss
Sparks fly, Ooh...
Sparks fly, Ooh...
There's fire inside the ice
The ice . . . The ice . . . The ice . . .
Chorus:
Can you see it in my eyes?
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
0
What an interesting title! Made me want to know what the song was all about. However, the pronouns confused me. I’m not sure I understand who the she, he, I, and you are. It’s a cool idea, but could stand another rewrite.
June 11, 2018
0
Hey Jolene—NOTICEABLE IMPROVEMENT (comes much closer to feeling like it would be more comfortable to sing). A few suggestions—1) First verse, third line: drop the “a” and the line becomes “There’s fire she’s been concealing” which accomplishes 2 things (A: a better parallel—“To TOUCH her left you reeling” and “There’s FIRE she’s been concealing” and B) You get the same line across, but with one less word)—JUDICIOUS editing is ALWAYS a good thing—I always try to go back through my lyrics and find the “unnecessary verbiage” (everything that’s not ABSOLUTELY essentially, lyrically).
Anyway, keep at it, and let me repeat—I think this is a noticeable improvement over the other set of these lyrics that you also posted.
And yes, I do think you’re right when you mention a co-writer (someone who would be quite proficient on the “musical” side of the house). Would offer to be involved, if you liked, except right now, I’m having technical problems with my home studio (have a feeling I’m going to have to sink some money into a new keyboard controller, so I’m currently “saving up my egg money”!!! HA!)
July 23, 2018
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Ditalian Cole
What an interesting title! Made me want to know what the song was all about. However, the pronouns confused me. I’m not sure I understand who the she, he, I, and you are. It’s a cool idea, but could stand another rewrite.
June 11, 2018
No members have liked this comment.