Rough first cut, one take. It's about someone you love being taken too soon and acknowledging that they'll always hold a really special place in your heart. Also about the little everyday things that you can't escape that bring back their memory.
Do the lyrics tell enough of a story?
Are they specific enough?
Are they too rushed?
Does the structure work, or is it too repetitive?
How many wishes are left sitting
Never granted at the bottom of a wishing well?
If all it took was a penny, baby
To bring you back I’d already be free from this hell
Instead I’m picking memories
Like daisies from the ground
Where I had them buried, never to be found
Disregarded
Broken hearted since you passed me by
But I can promise
I’m gonna love you 'til the day I die
'Til the day
'Til the day
'Til the day I die
'Til the day
'Til the day
'Til the day I die
Eighty dollars and a crazy love was
All the living we could ever call our own
But you were stolen from me in broad daylight
Left me poor, trying to love you through the cold hard stone
I’m stuck here picking memories
From corners of this house
Where they’re hiding, waiting for my guard to come down
Reminiscing
'Bout us kissing under Georgia skies
Though you’re gone
I’m still gonna love you 'til the day I die
'Til the day
'Til the day
'Til the day I die
'Til the day
'Til the day
'Til the day I die
I still think of you
Every time I hear the trains come through
Chasing echos from the whistle
But I can’t hold on, they just fade, too
If they could take me where you are
I’d trade the whole world
For a second more with you
I keep a letter you wrote me sitting
By the picture of us driving out on Miller’s Lane
That was the night you finally said you loved me
You swore our lives were never gonna be the same
But now I'm
Missin' pieces
Of my heart you used to occupy
I can promise
I’m gonna love you 'til the day I die
'Til the day
'Til the day
'Til the day I die
'Til the day
'Til the day
We’ll finally be together on the day I die
I could hear this becoming an upbeat indie/country hit that celebrates love. So, I thought it would be fun to approach this feedback as if I were trying to produce this towards a radio-hit:
Are they too rushed?
Not at all. I love the feel of your phrasings. The lyrics are past-reminscient but could feel lighter, with indie production. A very simple drum kit could go a long way. A kick that hits steady throughout the song, and merely gets louder on chorus would do this justice. Shakers and tambourines on the chorus would add to the celebratory feel, while maintaining some of the raw aspects of your sound.
Does the structure work, or is it too repetitive?
The structure works, for what you’re doing acoustic. As a hit, I think you need to wrap up the song quicker and control dynamics in your structure by adding choruses at the end, and removing, or greatly shortening the bridge. I love the lyrics on it… But from an attention standpoint, it would have to be cut back.
The hook has a potentially-misconstrued phrase “till the day I die”, which could come across somber to the wrong ears. To reinforce the positive energy behind that phrase, I would contrast “somber” with a feel that celebrates life and love. An ending “party style” chorus with everyone singing “I’m going to love you till the day I die!” could illicit the positive, celebratory feel… Would be fun to produce!
With structure, If I were to produce this as a hit, I would cut back the bridge:
“I still think of you
Every time I hear the trains come through
Chasing echos from the whistle
But I can’t hold on, they just fade, too
If they could take me where you are
I’d trade the whole world
For a second more with you
I keep a letter you wrote me sitting
By the picture of us driving out on Miller’s Lane
That was the night you finally said you loved me
You swore our lives were never gonna be the same”
With this, perhaps remove the stead kick for these two lines:
We were driving out on Miller’s Lane when
You swore our lives were never gonna be the same…
Then vamp back into 2 choruses to finish the song.
October 01, 2013
No members have liked this comment.
I really like this! Don’t ever stop writing! You are really good at telling a story through your music!
November 20, 2013
No members have liked this comment.
Joey has a good point (several others too) about the strong kick drum. I can hear a strong Irish drum throughout. The chorus will not seem so repetitive when you get the harmonies mixed in. Great work!
January 15, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
Thank y’all so much for the feedback! Joey, thank you especially for all of the detail. I totally agree regarding the length of the song, and you’re right—the best place to cut lyrics is probably the bridge (as I really like the 3rd verse.) Thinking I’ll cut it by half at least, and then definitely take out the kick drum for the first lines of that “I keep a letter…” part. Love that idea!
Interesting, I’d never thought of it having it produced in that indie-folk vibe with the party chorus and such, but I’d been wanting to write a song like that and kind of see the potential now that you’ve pointed it out!
Can’t wait to get it produced in a few months and post a finished product for y’all!
April 16, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
You must be signed in to post feedback.
0
You have a wonderful story telling style Caryn! Whatever place this came from, you took me there. Also, this song is going to naturally allow for some dynamic harmonies. I can already hear them! That’s a good sign!
Your story has a climax, the bridge and it’s melody will be powerful tools to bring your audience to that point. “For a second more with [you].” [Hit that high note girl!], pause, and then subtly go into the next line. You’ll take your listeners on a trip!
Great song, so much depth. These lyrics are way beyond my level
August 23, 2013
0
I could hear this becoming an upbeat indie/country hit that celebrates love. So, I thought it would be fun to approach this feedback as if I were trying to produce this towards a radio-hit:
Are they too rushed?
Not at all. I love the feel of your phrasings. The lyrics are past-reminscient but could feel lighter, with indie production. A very simple drum kit could go a long way. A kick that hits steady throughout the song, and merely gets louder on chorus would do this justice. Shakers and tambourines on the chorus would add to the celebratory feel, while maintaining some of the raw aspects of your sound.
Does the structure work, or is it too repetitive?
The structure works, for what you’re doing acoustic. As a hit, I think you need to wrap up the song quicker and control dynamics in your structure by adding choruses at the end, and removing, or greatly shortening the bridge. I love the lyrics on it… But from an attention standpoint, it would have to be cut back.
The hook has a potentially-misconstrued phrase “till the day I die”, which could come across somber to the wrong ears. To reinforce the positive energy behind that phrase, I would contrast “somber” with a feel that celebrates life and love. An ending “party style” chorus with everyone singing “I’m going to love you till the day I die!” could illicit the positive, celebratory feel… Would be fun to produce!
With structure, If I were to produce this as a hit, I would cut back the bridge:
“I still think of you
Every time I hear the trains come through
Chasing echos from the whistle
But I can’t hold on, they just fade, too
If they could take me where you are
I’d trade the whole world
For a second more with you
I keep a letter you wrote me sitting
By the picture of us driving out on Miller’s Lane
That was the night you finally said you loved me
You swore our lives were never gonna be the same”
With this, perhaps remove the stead kick for these two lines:
We were driving out on Miller’s Lane when
You swore our lives were never gonna be the same…
Then vamp back into 2 choruses to finish the song.
October 01, 2013
0
I really like this! Don’t ever stop writing! You are really good at telling a story through your music!
November 20, 2013
0
Joey has a good point (several others too) about the strong kick drum. I can hear a strong Irish drum throughout. The chorus will not seem so repetitive when you get the harmonies mixed in. Great work!
January 15, 2014
0
Thank y’all so much for the feedback! Joey, thank you especially for all of the detail. I totally agree regarding the length of the song, and you’re right—the best place to cut lyrics is probably the bridge (as I really like the 3rd verse.) Thinking I’ll cut it by half at least, and then definitely take out the kick drum for the first lines of that “I keep a letter…” part. Love that idea!
Interesting, I’d never thought of it having it produced in that indie-folk vibe with the party chorus and such, but I’d been wanting to write a song like that and kind of see the potential now that you’ve pointed it out!
Can’t wait to get it produced in a few months and post a finished product for y’all!
April 16, 2014
Do you want to have this song reviewed by an industry professional or a hit songwriter? Click on any of the professionals below to purchase your review.
Brent Baxter:
Pro Songwriter
$25.00/Song
Sam & Becca Mizell:
Hit Songwriters
$50.00/Song
Tell your peers about professional song reviews on Songwriting Pro.
×
Kēvin Clayton Jr.
You have a wonderful story telling style Caryn! Whatever place this came from, you took me there. Also, this song is going to naturally allow for some dynamic harmonies. I can already hear them! That’s a good sign!
Your story has a climax, the bridge and it’s melody will be powerful tools to bring your audience to that point. “For a second more with [you].” [Hit that high note girl!], pause, and then subtly go into the next line. You’ll take your listeners on a trip!
Great song, so much depth. These lyrics are way beyond my level
August 23, 2013
No members have liked this comment.