Based on a bit of a true story from personal experience...
Thoughts and feedback encouraged and desired...
-correction from above. I thought you were saying from a far she looked good but then when you were close she doesn’t.
- App doesn’t give you the ability to change a comment after posting.
January 22, 2018
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Yup like I said it all helps…it’s a work in progress and I’m trying to figure out where to take the song and what to do with it…
Other comments I had from another songwriting site were that they felt the male character was a bit of an arrogant ass…not something that would make the song pitch-able. I guess so..but the truth is some men are that way…
Another thought I had was to make each interaction in the verses the same person as it is now it seems a bit more random. Or maybe have it that after the first meeting the woman then starts tracking him down… sort of like a stalker…Thoughts?
January 22, 2018
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I’ve always liked a good Ray Stevens style song that was clean fun to listen too. Something crazy happens or even just a crazy comment that sticks with a person. Like an electric eal in the baptismal bath.
In your song the women going crazy when you might think it’s the man that was shallow. Maybe he just always goes for the crazy ones. Or they go for him. You could do a lot with it. You could spin it the other way too and make it heart felt and serious. There are some catchy phrases in there. But even looking at that wild picture, I can’t help but to think, when you’re running to your car, that you are running from her car.
January 22, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
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Verse 1
I was goin' for groceries on a Sunday afternoon
Cause I was tired of eatin' at the local greasy spoon
Standing in line waiting to pay for my stuff
Thought the blonde in front of me was lookin' real hot
With a wave of her hand and a toss of her hair
I saw a pound of lipstick, and wily stare
Chorus
And I thought wrong have pity on the pretty
She was lookin' good from a far
I thought wrong that look was mighty scary
Had me runnin' from her right into my car
Verse 2
So with all my bad habits, thought I’d start to exercise
Went out jogging one mornin’, as the sun was set to rise
When I passed another runner, dressed in Lululemon’s best
She was streamlined lean, and making good time
So I caught up to try and be, a joggin’ Casanova
But she shot me down hard with a surly once over
Chorus
And I thought wrong have pity on the pretty
She was lookin' good from a far
I thought wrong that look was mighty scary
Had me runnin' from her right into my car
Bridge
You may be a pretty thing
But you're a high-maintenance honey.
With low self-esteem and a hunger for money.
Your hair curled up, dressed to the nines,
Junk perfume, like cheap heap ole wine
Chorus
And I thought wrong have pity on the pretty
She was lookin' good from a far
I thought wrong that look was mighty scary
Had me runnin' from her right into my car
0
Your lyrics say runner, dressed, but you sing Jogger.
It’s catchy. the line I thought wrong, resonated well.
For some reason, that look was mighty scary, I didn’t think she was a pretty women. When you you saw her from a far, for some reason, I was thinking that it wasn’t until you were close that she looked good again.
Had me runnin’ from her right into my car. Wasn’t that strong of a line for me. For some reason, I just kept thinking it would be funnier somehow if she was trying to run you over with her car. Not in a mean kind of way, just kept thinking of Ray Stevens and how this would be funny if the lady went crazy somehow. Like you were chasing crazy women and they kept doing crazy things, like trying to run you over with her car.
For me it sounded like she was scary so that’s kind of what set that stage. I thought this from the beginning of the song. It was hard for me to picture any of them as pretty after that. Maybe that’s the point. It’s about the inner beauty not being strong, even though the outer beauty is present.
It also seems a little unbelievable to with the running into my car. Like there was nothing that was really that scary to be running from. Which made it a little tough too.
Hope that helps. There were some cool hooks in here. It does make me want to listen a second time.
January 22, 2018
0
-correction from above. I thought you were saying from a far she looked good but then when you were close she doesn’t.
- App doesn’t give you the ability to change a comment after posting.
January 22, 2018
0
Yup like I said it all helps…it’s a work in progress and I’m trying to figure out where to take the song and what to do with it…
Other comments I had from another songwriting site were that they felt the male character was a bit of an arrogant ass…not something that would make the song pitch-able. I guess so..but the truth is some men are that way…
Another thought I had was to make each interaction in the verses the same person as it is now it seems a bit more random. Or maybe have it that after the first meeting the woman then starts tracking him down… sort of like a stalker…Thoughts?
January 22, 2018
0
I’ve always liked a good Ray Stevens style song that was clean fun to listen too. Something crazy happens or even just a crazy comment that sticks with a person. Like an electric eal in the baptismal bath.
In your song the women going crazy when you might think it’s the man that was shallow. Maybe he just always goes for the crazy ones. Or they go for him. You could do a lot with it. You could spin it the other way too and make it heart felt and serious. There are some catchy phrases in there. But even looking at that wild picture, I can’t help but to think, when you’re running to your car, that you are running from her car.
January 22, 2018
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Brandon Barclay
Your lyrics say runner, dressed, but you sing Jogger.
It’s catchy. the line I thought wrong, resonated well.
For some reason, that look was mighty scary, I didn’t think she was a pretty women. When you you saw her from a far, for some reason, I was thinking that it wasn’t until you were close that she looked good again.
Had me runnin’ from her right into my car. Wasn’t that strong of a line for me. For some reason, I just kept thinking it would be funnier somehow if she was trying to run you over with her car. Not in a mean kind of way, just kept thinking of Ray Stevens and how this would be funny if the lady went crazy somehow. Like you were chasing crazy women and they kept doing crazy things, like trying to run you over with her car.
For me it sounded like she was scary so that’s kind of what set that stage. I thought this from the beginning of the song. It was hard for me to picture any of them as pretty after that. Maybe that’s the point. It’s about the inner beauty not being strong, even though the outer beauty is present.
It also seems a little unbelievable to with the running into my car. Like there was nothing that was really that scary to be running from. Which made it a little tough too.
Hope that helps. There were some cool hooks in here. It does make me want to listen a second time.
January 22, 2018
No members have liked this comment.