About a guy who sees a beautiful girl win a slot jackpot at a casino and decides he wants to marry her
I would appreciate all serious feedback
Hey, Bob! Thanks for sharing your song with us. Don’t know what “Adagio” is, but since you already said it’s slow and slinky, I get it enough. I like that it’s fun and tempo.
However, if you’re gonna go with the “I want to marry you,” I’d save it for much later. You could probably just end the verse with “Ka-Ching, ka-ching, ka-ching” which could mean different things depending on how you set it up.
Maybe you see her, she flirts back- ka-ching. You kiss ka-ching. She hits the jackpot ka-ching. Something like that. The “marry you” think gets more unrealistic.
Hope that helps! Pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
June 24, 2017
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Hilarious tale and the music instrumentation supports the humor very nicely. Maybe… just maybe I may have produced the vocals more out front and as a complete story teller style singing to really pop it as the story here is the meat… or maybe I’m wrong? Good job either way.
June 25, 2017
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SHE BLEW IN FROM THE NIGHT INTO BELLAGIO
SHE MOVED SO SLOW AND SLINKY-LIKE, ADAGIO
SHE PUT HER MONEY IN THE SLOT MACHINE
SHE HIT THE JACKPOT AND I HEARD HER SCREAM:
“KA-CHING … KA-CHING … KA CHING”
I SAID “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I REALLY WANT TO MARRY YOU”
HER SKIRT WAS SLENDER RED AND DID REVEAL HER KNEES
MY HEAD BEGAN TO BURN IN METAMORPHOSEEZ
SHE BET ON DOUBLE-ZERO AND SHE SPUN THE WHEEL
SHE HIT THE NUMBER AND I HEARD HER SQUEAL:
“KA-CHING … KA-CHING … KA CHING”
I SAID “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I REALLY WANT TO MARRY YOU”
WITH ALL THAT MONEY, YOU CAN’T BE ALONE
I TELL YOU, HONEY, I WILL TAKE YOU HOME
WE’LL START A FAMILY WITH ALL THAT GOLD
I WANT TO MARRY YOU, AND BABY I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU
I’M SO EXCITED BABY … LAS VEGAS NIGHTS! KA-CHING! KA-CHING
KA-CHING
SHE FLEW INTO THE NIGHT, GOOD-BYE BELLAGIO
SHE FADED FROM MY EYES, SHE MOVED ADAGIO
SHE TOOK HER MONEY FROM THE SLOT MACHINE
AND THEN SHE VANISHED BUT I HEARD HER SCREAM:
“KA-CHING … KA-CHING … KA CHING”
SHE SAID “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I’M GOING TO DO
WHEN I SPEND SOME MONEY I WILL DREAM OF YOU”
I WANT TO MARRY YOU, AND BABY I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU
I’M SO EXCITED BABY … LAS VEGAS NIGHTS! KA-CHING! KA-CHING
KA-CHING
SHE HIT THE NUMBER! I WANNA MARRY YOU
SHE HIT THE NUMBER! I WANNA MARRY YOU
ETC.
0
Hey Bob, a catchy little number.
Lyric wise, are people going to know The Bellagio is a casino? Maybe just say the casino. You’re going to make everyone look up adagio… LOL! In general, usually not a good idea to use a 5 syllable word (metamorphoses). In the outro, you’re mixing third and first person.
Theme wise, this guy seems kind of shallow wanting to marry someone just because she won some money, or is there more to the story we don’t know?
Story wise, you go from her hitting a slot machine, to the roulette table, to wanting to take her home, then she’s taking her money from the slot machine. The timeline seems off.
Music wise, a nice upbeat number, but the instrumentation doesn’t change much. Seems like it might be better if there were a few places where it pulled back some, then came back in on lines you really want to emphasize.
Phillip
June 23, 2017
0
Hey, Bob! Thanks for sharing your song with us. Don’t know what “Adagio” is, but since you already said it’s slow and slinky, I get it enough. I like that it’s fun and tempo.
However, if you’re gonna go with the “I want to marry you,” I’d save it for much later. You could probably just end the verse with “Ka-Ching, ka-ching, ka-ching” which could mean different things depending on how you set it up.
Maybe you see her, she flirts back- ka-ching. You kiss ka-ching. She hits the jackpot ka-ching. Something like that. The “marry you” think gets more unrealistic.
Hope that helps! Pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
June 24, 2017
0
Hilarious tale and the music instrumentation supports the humor very nicely. Maybe… just maybe I may have produced the vocals more out front and as a complete story teller style singing to really pop it as the story here is the meat… or maybe I’m wrong? Good job either way.
June 25, 2017
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Phillip Lemmonds
Hey Bob, a catchy little number.
Lyric wise, are people going to know The Bellagio is a casino? Maybe just say the casino. You’re going to make everyone look up adagio… LOL! In general, usually not a good idea to use a 5 syllable word (metamorphoses). In the outro, you’re mixing third and first person.
Theme wise, this guy seems kind of shallow wanting to marry someone just because she won some money, or is there more to the story we don’t know?
Story wise, you go from her hitting a slot machine, to the roulette table, to wanting to take her home, then she’s taking her money from the slot machine. The timeline seems off.
Music wise, a nice upbeat number, but the instrumentation doesn’t change much. Seems like it might be better if there were a few places where it pulled back some, then came back in on lines you really want to emphasize.
Phillip
June 23, 2017
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