Carlos Tabora

Hi Martin. I love the melody in this song. The lyrics have some cool lines (Forever lost and never found, Eye for an eye and we all go blind) but there’s also some lines that sound good but when I think about them, it’s hard to understand exactly what they mean (i.e. Maybe it’s the other way around). So individually the lines sound cool, but when you put them together I think there is some confusion. I’d like to see more cohesiveness between the verses and overall story. Very interesting song and as i said earlier, I do like the melody, hook or title of the song too.

Martin Lorentzson

Hi Carlos!

Thank you so much for your kind words and your suggestions for improvement.

You’re on to something, something that I need to keep in mind when developing my lyrics. Always have the listener in mind: is the story clear and cohesive? Does it makes sense all the way through? Does the chorus (or in this case the bridge) summarise the idea of the song in a simple, understandable way?

So yes, there might be something missing. It might also be that the overall idea is too complex – three different perspectives and a bridge that’s supposed to tie the story together.

Cheers,
Martin

Dick Plunk

Martin,

This is a good old style country song. It’s interesting because I know what Carlos is saying. But for me - I got it all the first time through. I think it would be weaker if you made everything too obvious. In fact, I was impressed with the way you crafted the verses.  My only critique would be:  I think the “eye to eye…” paragraph is actually a chorus because you repeat it (bridges usually don’t repeat).  I would avoid repeating the last verse. To give the song enough length. I would suggest:
verse
chorus
verse
chorus
musical bridge
chorus

Good song. I’m looking forward to more.

Martin Lorentzson

Hi Dick!

Thanks for your kind words and taking the time to comment on my song.

I knew it was kind of a risk work with different perspectives, so it makes me happay that you got the message.

Structure:  Well, I see what you mean. I think the set up of the song structure is commonly referred to as a Verse Refrain form” (where the refrain is the last line that’s repeated at the end or the beginning of the verse, tying the song together). It’s also described as a AABA form.
At least that’s what they tought me at Berklee.

So for me, it’s not a chorus but more of a bridge. But you’re right: the bridge occurs two times, which is non-typical, turning it into an AABABA form instead. So I guess we have some kind of hybrid going on here. And I had my doubts whether ro repeat that last verse or not, but I kept in the end.

Thanks again,
Martin

X Xx

Great song. Feels like closing time.

Gregg Shively

Love the melody, love the feel, but like Carlos (above)it’s a bit confusing ... in the notes about the song you explain it’s written from 3 perspectives, but without those notes ??? some of the lines you crafted are wonderful but I think it needs a bit of cohesion to give it clarity. Thanks for posting ... blessings on ya <><

Martin Lorentzson

Hi Gregg!

Thanks for feedback, really appreciate it!

Yeah, your input is valid, the “3 perspectives approach” demands a lot from the listener. 

Considering the feedback I’ve received from you and other Frettie members, as well as from the NSAI evaluation, I’m eager to make this song work lyrically too. Anyone up for a co-write?

Noora S

Awesome, just love it!!