This song was inspired by spending some time traveling for work. The idea is that even though this person isn't perfect and the scenario isn't ideal, he's doing the best he can to provide for his family and in time things will be different.
I'm posting this for anyone to help me finish it. I've been stuck on it for six months. I like where it's going and maybe there is something with the build up at the end? I'm not sure. I've posted the chords too if you want to repost your take.
this is a great song idea , the lonely traveller , I am sure most of us have been there, I would really appreciate the chance to try and help you with it
July 04, 2014
I think this song has potential. I would take the melody up on line 2 of the verses, instead of down. And if you can have a little more contrast between verse and CH, I think that would make the CH stand out a little more. I like the line “I might not be the one your Daddy’s proud of”. That in itself could be a song.
July 04, 2014
Jayne & Nathan thanks taking the time to give me some feedback! I’ll have to play with those suggestions.
July 04, 2014
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Nathan,
Thank you for posting your idea. This really helped!
If others would like to check out what Nathan provided as his take, you can view it here:
http://frettie.com/track_detail/684
It was soo helpful to actually here the feedback and changes that he recommended.
July 07, 2014
Hi, Dennis:
I think you’ve got a good concept for a song here and I like the verse melody. I do think there needs to be more variation between the verse and chorus melody to make the chorus stand out.
July 07, 2014
Thanks Tracey for the feedback! I look forward to working on a new version.
July 07, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
Love this concept!! It’s sweet, but in a heartbreaking kind of way. And I totally agree with Jayne on going up on the second line of the verses.
At this point there are so many directions you could go with the theme… Is he on his way back from her, or just now leaving?
The same phrase kept going through my mind when I was trying to figure out how to incorporate traveling into the chorus after a few more lines—
Further I go, the more my heart’s unraveling,
Wish I didn’t have to be out here… traveling
You could definitely flesh out the whole “provider” theme in the second verse. That’d help hammer the whole thing home!
July 18, 2014
Caryn,
Thank you for the feedback! I love the validation that I have gotten from everyone on this song. Perhaps maybe I’ll work through some of the song during my vacation this week and try to get a new version posted for you all!
July 18, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
I just picked up the guitar to play again with this idea and wanted to run soothing by you all. What do you think about if the second verse or part of the song being in the perspective of the woman?
Maybe there is a tie in with the idea of “The road is getting longer, nights are getting shorter..” with that being in the woman’s perspective.
It was just another idea I had and perhaps could create some dimension to the song.
July 18, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
That is a GREAT idea. Reading that just made it click in my head. Perfect duet! It’d be so great to have a guy sing the first verse and chorus, then the woman could do the second verse and chorus (maybe the same chorus, maybe a different one. You could flesh it out either way.). It’d add in a whole new level of emotion to get her perspective as well. Not sure who would wrap it up/if they’d sing together. That’d probably just be determined by how the lyrics point you 
July 24, 2014
Caryn,
Glad you like that idea! That’s exactly the reaction I had with the song! I think I will play with that some!
July 28, 2014
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I think that sounds fantastic , one song from two perspectives , I would think the song would end with man and woman parts singing the same line to underpin the idea of two people in two different situations but feeling the same way
July 28, 2014
Volume level is very low. but I really like the song. I would keep it raw just increase the level.
August 31, 2014
Thanks for the feedback Patrick! I’ll be sure to check out your music too!
September 01, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
Cool tune, dude! Any plans to write more to it?
Here are some small things that struck me while listening through:
Verse melody:
The first line in each stanza has a melody that swings up at the end. The last two lines in each stanza have a melody that swings down. If it were my tune, I’d have lines 1 and 2 swing up, then the last line swing done. Give it more of a natural sense of conclusion.
Chorus: Right now, the chorus is starting to reiterate what you’ve already got in the verse. Maybe take this section to talk more about what’s waiting back at home for you - how much you love her, what you miss real specific stuff. Maybe a more hurried, fervent melody, too! To show how you can’t wait to be back.
Just my 2 cents Thanks for posting!
November 28, 2014
Sarah,
Thank you for the feedback. Yes I do plan to write more of this. I suppose it’s just getting down to it haha. I’ve got a good bit of feedback from everyone and I’m going to start carving out the time to make this happen. I really appreciate the feedback and I’ll be sure to provide you with feedback on your latest songs too.
December 02, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
3rd line. Stole your heart. Makes it look like she did something wrong. I’d change it to something like But for some reason, you gave me your love. I would put an up note on arms because I think an up note going into a chorus would work here. Then the chorus could really be the hook and usually the title too. If travelling is the title, I’d add it into the chorus or change the title when you get the song more fleshed out. The nights are getting colder sounds better than shorter. If anything the nights should be feeling longer if you are missing your partner. But you’ve already got gets cold and lonely. That could be changed to I feel so lost and so lonely. I think you’re chorus might actually be the pre chorus. The roads are getting longer. The nights are getting colder. I want to see you, Lay my head on your shoulder.
Then, an up into a chorus about travelling. Anyway, you have a good start to your song. Don’t let us discourage you with all our ‘feedback.’ LOL Good luck with it!
July 22, 2019
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I just noticed this was posted in 2014. You have probably finished the song by now.
July 22, 2019
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Chorus idea:
Everywhere I go,
I see faces I don’t know.
I feel alone in every town.
Travelling gets me down.
July 22, 2019
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Chords: Capo 2 D, BM, G, D
First Verse:
I might not be the one you always dreamed of
I might not be the one your daddy's proud of
But the truth is you stole my heart
When we're apart It gets cold and lonley
But I've got to be on this road for the money
I wan to get out of here
I wan to be back in your arms
Chorus:
The roads are getting longer
The nights are getting shorter
I’m just sitting here just buying my time
0
Also, feel free to message me If you have any other question or need anything else to mess around with this song idea.
July 04, 2014
1
this is a great song idea , the lonely traveller , I am sure most of us have been there, I would really appreciate the chance to try and help you with it
July 04, 2014
2
I think this song has potential. I would take the melody up on line 2 of the verses, instead of down. And if you can have a little more contrast between verse and CH, I think that would make the CH stand out a little more. I like the line “I might not be the one your Daddy’s proud of”. That in itself could be a song.
July 04, 2014
0
Jayne & Nathan thanks taking the time to give me some feedback! I’ll have to play with those suggestions.
July 04, 2014
1
Nathan,
Thank you for posting your idea. This really helped!
If others would like to check out what Nathan provided as his take, you can view it here:
http://frettie.com/track_detail/684
It was soo helpful to actually here the feedback and changes that he recommended.
July 07, 2014
1
Hi, Dennis:
I think you’ve got a good concept for a song here and I like the verse melody. I do think there needs to be more variation between the verse and chorus melody to make the chorus stand out.
July 07, 2014
0
Thanks Tracey for the feedback! I look forward to working on a new version.
July 07, 2014
1
Love this concept!! It’s sweet, but in a heartbreaking kind of way. And I totally agree with Jayne on going up on the second line of the verses.
At this point there are so many directions you could go with the theme… Is he on his way back from her, or just now leaving?
The same phrase kept going through my mind when I was trying to figure out how to incorporate traveling into the chorus after a few more lines—
Further I go, the more my heart’s unraveling,
Wish I didn’t have to be out here… traveling
You could definitely flesh out the whole “provider” theme in the second verse. That’d help hammer the whole thing home!
July 18, 2014
0
Caryn,
Thank you for the feedback! I love the validation that I have gotten from everyone on this song. Perhaps maybe I’ll work through some of the song during my vacation this week and try to get a new version posted for you all!
July 18, 2014
0
I just picked up the guitar to play again with this idea and wanted to run soothing by you all. What do you think about if the second verse or part of the song being in the perspective of the woman?
Maybe there is a tie in with the idea of “The road is getting longer, nights are getting shorter..” with that being in the woman’s perspective.
It was just another idea I had and perhaps could create some dimension to the song.
July 18, 2014
1
That is a GREAT idea. Reading that just made it click in my head. Perfect duet! It’d be so great to have a guy sing the first verse and chorus, then the woman could do the second verse and chorus (maybe the same chorus, maybe a different one. You could flesh it out either way.). It’d add in a whole new level of emotion to get her perspective as well. Not sure who would wrap it up/if they’d sing together. That’d probably just be determined by how the lyrics point you
July 24, 2014
0
Caryn,
Glad you like that idea! That’s exactly the reaction I had with the song! I think I will play with that some!
July 28, 2014
1
I think that sounds fantastic , one song from two perspectives , I would think the song would end with man and woman parts singing the same line to underpin the idea of two people in two different situations but feeling the same way
July 28, 2014
1
Volume level is very low. but I really like the song. I would keep it raw just increase the level.
August 31, 2014
0
Thanks for the feedback Patrick! I’ll be sure to check out your music too!
September 01, 2014
1
Cool tune, dude! Any plans to write more to it?
Here are some small things that struck me while listening through:
Verse melody:
The first line in each stanza has a melody that swings up at the end. The last two lines in each stanza have a melody that swings down. If it were my tune, I’d have lines 1 and 2 swing up, then the last line swing done. Give it more of a natural sense of conclusion.
Chorus: Right now, the chorus is starting to reiterate what you’ve already got in the verse. Maybe take this section to talk more about what’s waiting back at home for you - how much you love her, what you miss real specific stuff. Maybe a more hurried, fervent melody, too! To show how you can’t wait to be back.
Just my 2 cents Thanks for posting!
November 28, 2014
0
Sarah,
Thank you for the feedback. Yes I do plan to write more of this. I suppose it’s just getting down to it haha. I’ve got a good bit of feedback from everyone and I’m going to start carving out the time to make this happen. I really appreciate the feedback and I’ll be sure to provide you with feedback on your latest songs too.
December 02, 2014
0
3rd line. Stole your heart. Makes it look like she did something wrong. I’d change it to something like But for some reason, you gave me your love. I would put an up note on arms because I think an up note going into a chorus would work here. Then the chorus could really be the hook and usually the title too. If travelling is the title, I’d add it into the chorus or change the title when you get the song more fleshed out. The nights are getting colder sounds better than shorter. If anything the nights should be feeling longer if you are missing your partner. But you’ve already got gets cold and lonely. That could be changed to I feel so lost and so lonely. I think you’re chorus might actually be the pre chorus. The roads are getting longer. The nights are getting colder. I want to see you, Lay my head on your shoulder.
Then, an up into a chorus about travelling. Anyway, you have a good start to your song. Don’t let us discourage you with all our ‘feedback.’ LOL Good luck with it!
July 22, 2019
0
I just noticed this was posted in 2014. You have probably finished the song by now.
July 22, 2019
0
Chorus idea:
Everywhere I go,
I see faces I don’t know.
I feel alone in every town.
Travelling gets me down.
July 22, 2019
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Dennis Field
Also, feel free to message me If you have any other question or need anything else to mess around with this song idea.
July 04, 2014
No members have liked this comment.