I found rooftop access to my apartment complex. Don't tell. I've been going up there lately and romanticizing about all the endless possibilities of the space. Everything from poker games to string lights, to dance parties to moonlit dinners.
I've been trying to write better stories in my songs. Did you feel the mood of the setting? Do you feel like you "know" the characters?
I really like your voice, first of all. I also like the intonation of your chorus, and I can hear some beautiful harmonies in there. The first two lines of the second verse seem like you need to cut a word or two in a couple of the lines. I’m not saying you can’t pull it off the way it is, but it may be stronger to play around and edit those lines. I also really like the swtich at “trust me this time” and then “like it’s our first time”... It adds so much more maturity to the song.
April 12, 2014
Tonya, I completely agree. Those were the two lines I struggled most with one the song. I went back and forth with them, and I think they’re still a bit screwy on the “down beat”. Will keep working on it!
April 14, 2014
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Joey, I always love your music! Your lyrics are so beautiful.
You really drew out the emotion in your story here. The whole song has this really breathless, anxious feeling (in a good way) that puts you in the guy’s shoes and showcases his affections very well. It’s really romantic. Definitely feel like I know the characters (heck, you wrote it so well that I feel like I AM the girl you’re singing to).
Maybe change that first line of the second verse to “I just wanna make you smile?” It’ll sing a little cleaner.
I wanted to say my favorite line in the chorus was “I set up string lights like in those movie scenes,” but then realized that ALL of the lines in the chorus are my favorite. Wonderful job!
April 16, 2014
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Baby you know I’m a little bit lonely, waiting all this time.
You told me you’re coming around 730 It’s almost 35.
A dinner and movie that’s not all we’re doing
I’ve setup another surprise, I think you’ll like
I caught these fireflies
We’ll let em’ dance around the rooftop.
I setup string lights like in those movie scenes.
We’ll have a spotlight: I’ll cue the moon
to come up just enough to feel right
As I kiss you for the first time.
Baby you know that I’m not going to hurt you, I’ll only ever make you smile.
This roof has a scene to make this night complete, to make our hearts keep running wild
Follow me now-- Watch your step on that latter
I’ll show you my love for a while.
Trust me this time
I caught these fireflies
We’ll let em’ dance around the rooftop
I setup string lights like in those movie scenes.
We’ll have a spotlight-- I’ll cue the moon
to come up just enough to feel right
As I kiss you for the first time.
I’ll kiss you like it’s our first time
We’ll have a spotlight-- I’ll cue the moon
to come up just enough to feel right
I’ll kiss you like it’s our first time.
1
Another great romantic one.
The line that does make me feel like I “Know” the character (or identify totally with) is the “almost 35.” It perfectly captures the jolts of anxious insecurity that you get when a date you’re really looking forward to is a teeny bit late.
It’s that kind of stuff that reminds you of awkward or quirky things in relationships that you’re probably looking for in this one, which you’ve already proven some expertise with in with your song “Foot Prints.”
http://www.reverbnation.com/joeyhendrickson/song/10101495-foot-prints
April 06, 2014
1
I really like your voice, first of all. I also like the intonation of your chorus, and I can hear some beautiful harmonies in there. The first two lines of the second verse seem like you need to cut a word or two in a couple of the lines. I’m not saying you can’t pull it off the way it is, but it may be stronger to play around and edit those lines. I also really like the swtich at “trust me this time” and then “like it’s our first time”... It adds so much more maturity to the song.
April 12, 2014
0
Tonya, I completely agree. Those were the two lines I struggled most with one the song. I went back and forth with them, and I think they’re still a bit screwy on the “down beat”. Will keep working on it!
April 14, 2014
0
Joey, I always love your music! Your lyrics are so beautiful.
You really drew out the emotion in your story here. The whole song has this really breathless, anxious feeling (in a good way) that puts you in the guy’s shoes and showcases his affections very well. It’s really romantic. Definitely feel like I know the characters (heck, you wrote it so well that I feel like I AM the girl you’re singing to).
Maybe change that first line of the second verse to “I just wanna make you smile?” It’ll sing a little cleaner.
I wanted to say my favorite line in the chorus was “I set up string lights like in those movie scenes,” but then realized that ALL of the lines in the chorus are my favorite. Wonderful job!
April 16, 2014
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Matt Rees
Another great romantic one.
The line that does make me feel like I “Know” the character (or identify totally with) is the “almost 35.” It perfectly captures the jolts of anxious insecurity that you get when a date you’re really looking forward to is a teeny bit late.
It’s that kind of stuff that reminds you of awkward or quirky things in relationships that you’re probably looking for in this one, which you’ve already proven some expertise with in with your song “Foot Prints.”
http://www.reverbnation.com/joeyhendrickson/song/10101495-foot-prints
April 06, 2014