This is a reflection on how you never really forget your first love. I think it needs some violins between the verses, but what sappy love song doesn't!
Honest opinions about the lyrics and music before I invest in a full on demo.
Benny,
Welcome to Frettie. First off. I really like your “sound”. It’s perfect for story telling. The guitar and background music fit really nice with this song.
Like Matt, I would like to see a stronger change in melody for “I don’t wonder where she is..” It will contrast the intimate/soft style of the verses nicely.
Maybe it is just a longer pause between the first verse and the “i don’t wonder where she it…”
The “bridge” where you have “I remember it was summer.. I like the way that build in suspense.
The way you end the song on a low note feels like a “cliff hanger” which is kind of cool.
Thanks for sharing and look forward to hearing others.
January 02, 2014
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Just now figured out that I could use this section to respond to your responses! Thanks so much for the contructive comments. I am going to try to add more dynamics and also more contrast between the verse, chorus and bridge. I think that will help to captivate listeners and make then want to hear the entire song!
January 06, 2014
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Interesting structure - I think you have verse, half a chorus, bridge, verse, and full chorus. While I think this is okay, I think most listeners look forward to the repetition of the chorus (something familiar and that they might sing along with). By doing a half chorus and then later a full chorus, you threw them a curve which might be confusing. (Especially since they don’t have the benefit of lyrics in front of them.)
I liked the idea: at the time of breaking up we may feel disengaged with this person and not care too much; yet later we look back on that person with some affection and fond memories (i.e.: we forget the bad stuff).
I’ve always been told to watch out for being too “common” in my choice of rhymes. In other words, find new and interesting rhymes versus the same old “would/could, day/way”. I don’t think it’s a big problem in this song because the story is compelling, but I would encourage you to think about this in future songs. (I know I have to watch out for the common rhyme syndrome.)
Regardless of all of my comments - I really like what you started here: pretty melody and interesting point of view.
January 16, 2014
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Dick, Thanks for commenting. Good points! I will have to do some rethinking to see if I can eliminate the sing-song rhyming and maybe double the length of the chorus.
January 16, 2014
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SENTIMENTAL WAY
Copyright jbpitsinger 2010 all rights reserved
YES IT’S TRUE I KNEW HER, AS WELL AS ONE MAN COULD
FOR WE ONCE LOVED EACH OTHER, AND THOUGHT WE ALWAYS WOULD
BUT SOMETHING CAME BETWEEN US, THOUGH NOW IT SLIPS MY MIND
IT MUST HAVE BEEN IMPORTANT, IT SEEMED SO AT THE TIME
NO I DON’T WONDER WHERE SHE IS, OR MISS HER EVERY DAY
BUT I SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT HER IN A SENTIMENTAL WAY
BUT SEASONS CHANGE AND FEELINGS PASS AWAY
AND WINTER PAINTS THE MOURNING SKY A SADDER SHADE OF GRAY
I REMEMBER IT WAS SUMMER, WHEN SHE TURNED TO LEAVE
BUT I DID NOT REACH FOR HER, FOR I WAS MUCH TO PROUD TO PLEAD
I DON’T BELIEVE I SHED A TEAR, OR EVEN REALLY CARED
‘TIL AUTUMN CAME AND TURNED THE LEAVES TO THE COLOR OF HER HAIR
NO I DON’T WONDER WHERE SHE IS, OR MISS HER EVERY DAY
BUT I SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT HER IN A SENTIMENTAL WAY
NO I DON’T WONDER WHERE SHE IS, OR MISS HER EVERY DAY
BUTSOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT HER, JUST LIKE I DID TODAY
0
Good arrangement. The intro works well, also as a turnaround. The bridge and modulation come at the right time. I would just change the melody of “I don’t wonder where she is” for variation away from the verses. Creative ending too - makes me want to make mine more unique.
I’m not sure if I’m the best advice giver on straight folk music. From the pop side I want to say put in some more dynamics (starts, stops, soft verses and strong choruses) but I know of so many great folk songs that are the same all the way through, so for your audience, what you have might be best.
I’d say this demo has the right treatment - the perfect Gordon LIghtfoot “If you could read my mind” sound. I hear from some sources to always make a professional studio version, and from others to do your best with a home recording system. I personally won’t spend for studio time until one of these songs absolutely blows Frettie (and crowds at shows) away.
January 02, 2014
0
Benny,
Welcome to Frettie. First off. I really like your “sound”. It’s perfect for story telling. The guitar and background music fit really nice with this song.
Like Matt, I would like to see a stronger change in melody for “I don’t wonder where she is..” It will contrast the intimate/soft style of the verses nicely.
Maybe it is just a longer pause between the first verse and the “i don’t wonder where she it…”
The “bridge” where you have “I remember it was summer.. I like the way that build in suspense.
The way you end the song on a low note feels like a “cliff hanger” which is kind of cool.
Thanks for sharing and look forward to hearing others.
January 02, 2014
0
Just now figured out that I could use this section to respond to your responses! Thanks so much for the contructive comments. I am going to try to add more dynamics and also more contrast between the verse, chorus and bridge. I think that will help to captivate listeners and make then want to hear the entire song!
January 06, 2014
0
Interesting structure - I think you have verse, half a chorus, bridge, verse, and full chorus. While I think this is okay, I think most listeners look forward to the repetition of the chorus (something familiar and that they might sing along with). By doing a half chorus and then later a full chorus, you threw them a curve which might be confusing. (Especially since they don’t have the benefit of lyrics in front of them.)
I liked the idea: at the time of breaking up we may feel disengaged with this person and not care too much; yet later we look back on that person with some affection and fond memories (i.e.: we forget the bad stuff).
I’ve always been told to watch out for being too “common” in my choice of rhymes. In other words, find new and interesting rhymes versus the same old “would/could, day/way”. I don’t think it’s a big problem in this song because the story is compelling, but I would encourage you to think about this in future songs. (I know I have to watch out for the common rhyme syndrome.)
Regardless of all of my comments - I really like what you started here: pretty melody and interesting point of view.
January 16, 2014
0
Dick, Thanks for commenting. Good points! I will have to do some rethinking to see if I can eliminate the sing-song rhyming and maybe double the length of the chorus.
January 16, 2014
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Matt Rees
Good arrangement. The intro works well, also as a turnaround. The bridge and modulation come at the right time. I would just change the melody of “I don’t wonder where she is” for variation away from the verses. Creative ending too - makes me want to make mine more unique.
I’m not sure if I’m the best advice giver on straight folk music. From the pop side I want to say put in some more dynamics (starts, stops, soft verses and strong choruses) but I know of so many great folk songs that are the same all the way through, so for your audience, what you have might be best.
I’d say this demo has the right treatment - the perfect Gordon LIghtfoot “If you could read my mind” sound. I hear from some sources to always make a professional studio version, and from others to do your best with a home recording system. I personally won’t spend for studio time until one of these songs absolutely blows Frettie (and crowds at shows) away.
January 02, 2014
No members have liked this comment.