Eric,
I had a real problem with your pronouns. Who does “your” refer to? Town…cheap rhyme. Who is she? What does feeling bad have to do with anything? Die?
Than pick up the phone…guess he could invite others over? Seems like a “cheap” rhyme.
Hook has potential !! I don’t think you came close to the true potential.
Not sure what story you told. There’s a ghost and you…I get that. That’s about all I get.
January 30, 2014
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Eric,
I went to several other web sites. I spent a few minutes. I walked away from my computer. Your song popped into my head. Eric…Something’s catchy about the song. Still, I don’t think you’ve come close to developing the HOOK.
January 30, 2014
Eric,
Definitely catchy!
Had to sing a song of mine. To wash your song out.
Writing looks like it’s a she
Why does she have to haunt me
Stays away when friends around
Would she follow me to another town
January 30, 2014
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Hey Eric. Thanks for posting this.
The beginning hooked me. “Now I’m talking to a ghost”, is an interesting way to start a song. Give you room to do a lot with the story, but the risk is not focusing the story.
The chorus channels Elliot Smith, and I think you captured the mix perfectly there.
Production wise, I think the beginning piano part on the verse could use a revise. Also, structurally, you may not want to put as many verses as you did towards the end. I kind of get lost while listening due to… dare I say, lack of refrain?
I think I agree with Charlie that this song would be stronger when you draw attention to the hook: “Now I’m talking to a ghost”
January 30, 2014
Thanks for sharing Eric! I too find this song getting stuck in my head. With some tweaking, I’m sure this will turn out nice.
January 30, 2014
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Hi Eric, I think this song is really good, definitely is a sing-along song. I do find some of the lyrics confusing as to who you are talking about, I think with a little re-defining of the person (he, you,? etc) this will be great.
January 30, 2014
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Eric, I like the hook and I love the catchy tune. However I was completely lost. True, there are too many pronouns but I think I would have been lost anyway. If you explained the song I would probably get it and that might work in a coffee house setting where you interact with the crowd.
January 30, 2014
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Hi Eric,
I liked the song - it’s a fun pop tune. I especially liked the use of that little piano figure walk-down thing that comes in at the 2nd verse. In reading the feedback from others above - i get what they’re saying about the narrative - but (maybe this is just me) not all songs actually need to have a clear narrative/story to work - pop songs certainly don’t seem to need one to be enjoyable and/or memorable (for me at least). Sometimes I think leaving some narrative bits out - while perhaps maybe not making the song as commercially viable - lets the listener just sort of drop in on a story that’s already in progress - the story kind of drives by like a brightly painted image on the side of a passing car - and as mentioned by someone above that’s a technique folks like Elliot Murphy used to employ - and folks like “e” from the eels (and many others) still use to great effect - and in the right (tight) musical context I think it can work quite well.
I do think the song went on for a bit too long - (as is this note - sorry!) I don’t think it needed the guitar bit at the end or the repetition of the verses as much - I think it could have ended earlier and had more impact. But it was a nice tune I enjoyed listening to!
January 30, 2014
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Eric: catchy song. but, as to the storyline,
i find it confusing. as others have said, too many pronouns. it might be that that is on purpose, to force the listener into paying attention, not sure of your intentions. I"m just thinking of the commercial aspect of it, The more understandable, the wider the audience would be. Good luck with it. .
January 31, 2014
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Eric,
I’m afraid I haven’t been able to get songs to play on my computer so I can’t comment on the melody other then to say others seem to have really liked it and a good melody, to me, is the most important part.
I agree with others who find the storyline confusing. Normally, the title line is in the chorus. Perhaps the first verse, or parts of it, along with the hook title line could be moved and turned into a chorus. Just an idea.
Good luck and keep writing.
Brian
February 02, 2014
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Hi Eric. Sorry it took so long for me to get to get back to you. I to am having trouble with the pronouns. He/she??? Not sure who these people are and if you’ve left it up to the listener to figure out it may work but may also turn the listener off. I like the tune…very catchy. Good job!
February 19, 2014
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now I’m talking to a ghost
he writes me little notes
Then slides them under my door
and swears he’s been here before
but I haven't seen him in years
and she’s staring at the glass
claiming the past is the past
and I should let it slide
because if he were to die
well, I’d feel real bad
but you’re going to do what you want to do
and you’re going to say what you want to say
I guess I’m trying to figure out
what this life is about
so, go and cause a scene
and blame it all on me
Because I had my doubts
and now you can’t believe your eyes
and frankly, neither can I
so, take your little lies
to someone else tonight
because I’m not going to bite
now she’s drinking for two
and she blames it all on you
I guess that I was too young
to see what you’d become
so, I’ll stay here alone
but you’re going to do what you want to do
and you’re going to say what you want to say
I guess he’s tired of this town
so, he won’t come around
he’d rather drink alone
but himself at home
then pick up the phone
So, now I’m talking to a ghost
he writes me little notes
and slides them under my door
and swears he’s been here before
but I haven't seen him in years
0
Great song. very catchy, interest holding, and easy to relate to.
If the old, sad, drinking alone you is the ghost, that’s a really cool metaphor. But the pronouns make finding the meaning a little too difficult for the pop music listener. Maybe try:
now I’m talking to a ghost
who writes me little notes
I find them under my door
the ghost has been here before
but I haven’t seen him in years
I think it would also make a good impact to change the he to I in the “tired of this town” part. I love the way you switch to you. Keep that for sure.
And it’s not a rule or anything, but in the 3rd verse if you change “had” to “have” you’ll have uniformity of tense.
December 30, 2013
0
Eric,
I had a real problem with your pronouns. Who does “your” refer to? Town…cheap rhyme. Who is she? What does feeling bad have to do with anything? Die?
Than pick up the phone…guess he could invite others over? Seems like a “cheap” rhyme.
Hook has potential !! I don’t think you came close to the true potential.
Not sure what story you told. There’s a ghost and you…I get that. That’s about all I get.
January 30, 2014
1
Eric,
I went to several other web sites. I spent a few minutes. I walked away from my computer. Your song popped into my head. Eric…Something’s catchy about the song. Still, I don’t think you’ve come close to developing the HOOK.
January 30, 2014
0
Eric,
Definitely catchy!
Had to sing a song of mine. To wash your song out.
Writing looks like it’s a she
Why does she have to haunt me
Stays away when friends around
Would she follow me to another town
January 30, 2014
1
Hey Eric. Thanks for posting this.
The beginning hooked me. “Now I’m talking to a ghost”, is an interesting way to start a song. Give you room to do a lot with the story, but the risk is not focusing the story.
The chorus channels Elliot Smith, and I think you captured the mix perfectly there.
Production wise, I think the beginning piano part on the verse could use a revise. Also, structurally, you may not want to put as many verses as you did towards the end. I kind of get lost while listening due to… dare I say, lack of refrain?
I think I agree with Charlie that this song would be stronger when you draw attention to the hook: “Now I’m talking to a ghost”
January 30, 2014
0
Thanks for sharing Eric! I too find this song getting stuck in my head. With some tweaking, I’m sure this will turn out nice.
January 30, 2014
0
Hi Eric, I think this song is really good, definitely is a sing-along song. I do find some of the lyrics confusing as to who you are talking about, I think with a little re-defining of the person (he, you,? etc) this will be great.
January 30, 2014
0
Eric, I like the hook and I love the catchy tune. However I was completely lost. True, there are too many pronouns but I think I would have been lost anyway. If you explained the song I would probably get it and that might work in a coffee house setting where you interact with the crowd.
January 30, 2014
0
Hi Eric,
I liked the song - it’s a fun pop tune. I especially liked the use of that little piano figure walk-down thing that comes in at the 2nd verse. In reading the feedback from others above - i get what they’re saying about the narrative - but (maybe this is just me) not all songs actually need to have a clear narrative/story to work - pop songs certainly don’t seem to need one to be enjoyable and/or memorable (for me at least). Sometimes I think leaving some narrative bits out - while perhaps maybe not making the song as commercially viable - lets the listener just sort of drop in on a story that’s already in progress - the story kind of drives by like a brightly painted image on the side of a passing car - and as mentioned by someone above that’s a technique folks like Elliot Murphy used to employ - and folks like “e” from the eels (and many others) still use to great effect - and in the right (tight) musical context I think it can work quite well.
I do think the song went on for a bit too long - (as is this note - sorry!) I don’t think it needed the guitar bit at the end or the repetition of the verses as much - I think it could have ended earlier and had more impact. But it was a nice tune I enjoyed listening to!
January 30, 2014
0
Eric: catchy song. but, as to the storyline,
i find it confusing. as others have said, too many pronouns. it might be that that is on purpose, to force the listener into paying attention, not sure of your intentions. I"m just thinking of the commercial aspect of it, The more understandable, the wider the audience would be. Good luck with it. .
January 31, 2014
0
Eric,
I’m afraid I haven’t been able to get songs to play on my computer so I can’t comment on the melody other then to say others seem to have really liked it and a good melody, to me, is the most important part.
I agree with others who find the storyline confusing. Normally, the title line is in the chorus. Perhaps the first verse, or parts of it, along with the hook title line could be moved and turned into a chorus. Just an idea.
Good luck and keep writing.
Brian
February 02, 2014
0
Hi Eric. Sorry it took so long for me to get to get back to you. I to am having trouble with the pronouns. He/she??? Not sure who these people are and if you’ve left it up to the listener to figure out it may work but may also turn the listener off. I like the tune…very catchy. Good job!
February 19, 2014
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Matt Rees
Great song. very catchy, interest holding, and easy to relate to.
If the old, sad, drinking alone you is the ghost, that’s a really cool metaphor. But the pronouns make finding the meaning a little too difficult for the pop music listener. Maybe try:
now I’m talking to a ghost
who writes me little notes
I find them under my door
the ghost has been here before
but I haven’t seen him in years
I think it would also make a good impact to change the he to I in the “tired of this town” part. I love the way you switch to you. Keep that for sure.
And it’s not a rule or anything, but in the 3rd verse if you change “had” to “have” you’ll have uniformity of tense.
December 30, 2013
No members have liked this comment.