Cryin over a lost love.
Any and all appreciated.
Hi James,
As Ronnie said, great title! It’s too bad it isn’t repeated verbatim in the song…
The rest of this may seem harsh, but I assure you it is with the best of intentions…also, it’s my opinion, so take it for what it’s worth.
The final line of the first verse leads to nowhere… I was expecting a statement of what you realized, and instead you went on about writing songs and “not crying”. Also, the first and only mention of whiskey is when the whiskey drops are falling on his guitar…There should be some lead up to that, unless he’s an alcoholic (which might be why she left…).
Then there’s the evidence of you falling. What evidence? What does this refer to, marriage, love, drinking? Plus, not knowing how far you fell is poetic, but also confusing. I can’t decide if he needs a meeting or a beating! (I just thought that rhyme up there… ????). Is he remorseful because he loved and lost or because he fell off the wagon ?
The next thing that caught my eye is minor, a wrong homonym…I’m fairly certain that ”site” should be “sight”...
In the bridge, I got some obscure new info… The hero seems to be on a dirt road, staggering along with a shot glass and a bottle.
Unfortunately, you lead with the drinking…sets a scene, but I thought he was sitting at home (as he seemed to be in the first chorus…). Then he has dust in his eyes… Huh?!?
Ok, now the lights come on for me, he’s walking on a dirt road! And he’s lamenting his altered wedding vows (presumably to complete the rhyme with “left”.)
The outro chorus tries to wrap up his denial and there’s more “tell” than “show”.
I think this song has great potential and can be improved with an analysis of the story and maybe laying it out in a timeline. That will help to eliminate the blind spots and confusing elements of the story. At this point, for my money, the music is secondary. It can always be rewritten to fit the new, improved version.
Good luck, I hope this is helpful and keep on writing!
December 11, 2019
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It’s been a week since I last saw you
I remember the look in your eyes
I still see tail lights heading down the dusty road
Your final words made me come to realize
Chorus
So, I sit here writing love songs with this pain it’s not that hard
There’s evidence I fell I just don’t know how far
These are not the tears of a man with a broken heart
They’re just Whiskey drops raining down on my guitar
It seems that I was fool to love you
All along I thought that you’d be true
I guess my love was a damn site stronger
‘Cause now I stand alone without you
Chorus
Bridge
I stumble with a bottle in my right hand
I sway with a shot glass in my left
The dust from the road burns my bloodshot eyes
I’m the picture of “I’ll Love you to Death?”
Outro Chorus
As I sit here writing love songs with this pain it’s not that hard
There’s evidence I fell I just don’t know how far
Aw who do I think I’m fooling these are tears from my broken heart
They’re not Whiskey drops Raining down my guitar Noooo
These are my tears raining down on my guitar
0
Hey James,
That song title of yours caught my eye. I can see in the lyrics it’s an unhappy breakup song. Most country artists these days don’t shine a negative light on the songs they’re singing.
Steve Holy has a breakup song called Brand New Girlfriend. The writers put a positive twist on it.
Lyrically you could tweak a few lines to make them stronger. The tempo is way to slow for me. Make it uptempo, positive and keep working that hook as much as you can throughout the song. I think your song has potential.
BTW, I like that Blue Checkered Dress on your website.
November 21, 2019
0
Hi James,
As Ronnie said, great title! It’s too bad it isn’t repeated verbatim in the song…
The rest of this may seem harsh, but I assure you it is with the best of intentions…also, it’s my opinion, so take it for what it’s worth.
The final line of the first verse leads to nowhere… I was expecting a statement of what you realized, and instead you went on about writing songs and “not crying”. Also, the first and only mention of whiskey is when the whiskey drops are falling on his guitar…There should be some lead up to that, unless he’s an alcoholic (which might be why she left…).
Then there’s the evidence of you falling. What evidence? What does this refer to, marriage, love, drinking? Plus, not knowing how far you fell is poetic, but also confusing. I can’t decide if he needs a meeting or a beating! (I just thought that rhyme up there… ????). Is he remorseful because he loved and lost or because he fell off the wagon ?
The next thing that caught my eye is minor, a wrong homonym…I’m fairly certain that ”site” should be “sight”...
In the bridge, I got some obscure new info… The hero seems to be on a dirt road, staggering along with a shot glass and a bottle.
Unfortunately, you lead with the drinking…sets a scene, but I thought he was sitting at home (as he seemed to be in the first chorus…). Then he has dust in his eyes… Huh?!?
Ok, now the lights come on for me, he’s walking on a dirt road! And he’s lamenting his altered wedding vows (presumably to complete the rhyme with “left”.)
The outro chorus tries to wrap up his denial and there’s more “tell” than “show”.
I think this song has great potential and can be improved with an analysis of the story and maybe laying it out in a timeline. That will help to eliminate the blind spots and confusing elements of the story. At this point, for my money, the music is secondary. It can always be rewritten to fit the new, improved version.
Good luck, I hope this is helpful and keep on writing!
December 11, 2019
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Ronnie Glenn
Hey James,
That song title of yours caught my eye. I can see in the lyrics it’s an unhappy breakup song. Most country artists these days don’t shine a negative light on the songs they’re singing.
Steve Holy has a breakup song called Brand New Girlfriend. The writers put a positive twist on it.
Lyrically you could tweak a few lines to make them stronger. The tempo is way to slow for me. Make it uptempo, positive and keep working that hook as much as you can throughout the song. I think your song has potential.
BTW, I like that Blue Checkered Dress on your website.
November 21, 2019
No members have liked this comment.