Jayne Sachs

Hey Sonya!  Good job on the rewrite!  I see your rhyme scheme now and to my ear as I read it out loud, it has a rhythm.  I would just maybe direct you to the chorus. My ear was craving a rhyme to the hook.  Something to rhyme with “eyes”... maybe just adding the words “right here tonight” to the set up line.  Just an idea.

Good job!

CHORUS
If what I’m tryin’ to say
Ain’t quite comin’ on through
If you can’t read my lips
And my sigh’s not telling you
Take a good look within (right here tonight)
And honey read my eyes
Read my eyes
Read my eyes

Sonya Dauth

Thank you so much again Jayne. I feel 10 feet tall after your comment

I thought something was missing there too, but do you think I could find a way to make it sound right. Just those couple of words and it’s perfect.

I’ll have to add you as a co-writer.

I would be honoured if you would like to put a melody to it. I think your work is brilliant.

Thank you again for your input - it has been most appreciated.

Cheers
Sonya

Brent Baxter

Sonya,
Yep, I agree with Jayne- it’s gotten much better!  Good job going back in and digging deeper!

Jayne Sachs

Thank you for your compliment Sonya.  I’m glad the feedback has helped.  That is what this community is all about!  When I co-write, I tend to hook up with music/melody people for the country genre so I can concentrate on bringing lyrics, etc.. It sounds as if you are looking to connect with writers who are more melody driven to help bring your lyrics to life.  I think this site might be a GREAT place for you to find that.  There undoubtedly are people here who specialize more on that side of things.  If you found a few people to try co-writing with, it could really be fun for you and you could create together from scratch perhaps.  When I work with melody people, the lyric and melody move together in phrasing and rhythm. I rarely have a lyric done and have someone put it to music,  Other people probably do work that way, but my ear and musical soul love to create melody and lyric together from the get go so they move together… and also tweaking on both of those sides can happen while the song is being written.  You may want to try this with someone.  It could open up a whole new world!!!  And what a world it is!!  Have fun and create!!

Sonya Dauth

Thank you again Brent and Jayne.

I’m so glad you see progress in the re-write.
I will keep my eye out for someone willing to put music to it.

I would love to try and co-write melody and lyrics with someone - that is a goal for certain and a new challenge to take on when it comes.

I am so looking forward to being able to take my music to the next level.

Cheers folks

Gordon Donaldson

I hope you find someone to put music to your lyrics, or someone who is great with lyrics and melody. I’m writing with a few people at the moment. You will soon find someone who you click with. I’m in the same boat. I only write lyrics. I love the chorus!

Sonya Dauth

Thank you very much Gordon. I appreciate the comment. Best wishes for your success too.