This is a lyric that grew out of one of Brent's WordPlay Thursday exercises It's a rewrite of my first draft, which was basically stream of consciousness. This is basically a lyric entry. The soundtrack is just a crude rendition of the melody, but I thought it would be better than just reading it. Maybe not. You can ignore it.
I was trying to write something uptempo and fun, something different from my usual heavy-handed apocalyptic screeds. I'd like to see if the story line flows and if it's clear. Plus any other comments, critiques, suggestions for improvement, etc.
Thanks, Brent! I was actually trying to play off the idea of this guy’s fantasy based on fleeting encounters, where she has no idea he even exists, and he’s ready for the honeymoon. Sort of a humorous comment on the male psyche. Maybe it didn’t work. : (
Appreciate your feedback, worth much more than two cents. Maybe five. At least.
November 14, 2017
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If I Made a Movie
(C) 2017 Michael R. J. Roth
First there was the part
Where you twisted up my heart
With the wrist of a barista
And I wished I coulda kissed ya
But the brilliance of your
Diamond-perfect flaws
Left me speechless
And grasping at a straw
Chorus: If I made a movie
You would be my leading lady
You could call me darling, honey,
I would call you baby.
Our love would fly up to the sky so far
That you would be a star
Then there was the scene
Where you passed me on the street
To the rhythm and the passion
Of the traffic and the heat
But you left me in the shadow of romance
When you walked on
Without a single glance
(Chorus)
Bridge:
I still wait for the day
When I can have another chance
To rewrite the scenario
Where we begin to dance
I still hope that I will find you
But never saw you again
We started the movie
But never got to the end
(Chorus)
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Hey, Michael! Thanks for sharing your song with us. I wonder if you need to start off the song with a “scene” scene. Start getting us into the movie theme right off the bat.
Have you considered having more of a relationship between the singer and the love interest? Not that they are former lovers or anything, but something more than total strangers? From the lyric, all I can tell for sure is that he saw her one time on the street, and she didn’t even look his way. Seems like too much of a stretch for that one passing moment to lead to all the emotion in this song. Maybe they are friends or tried to make a go of a relationship or something. I think that’d make it more believable that he feels this much for her.
Just my two cents. Hope it helps. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
November 14, 2017
0
Thanks, Brent! I was actually trying to play off the idea of this guy’s fantasy based on fleeting encounters, where she has no idea he even exists, and he’s ready for the honeymoon. Sort of a humorous comment on the male psyche. Maybe it didn’t work. : (
Appreciate your feedback, worth much more than two cents. Maybe five. At least.
November 14, 2017
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Brent Baxter
Hey, Michael! Thanks for sharing your song with us. I wonder if you need to start off the song with a “scene” scene. Start getting us into the movie theme right off the bat.
Have you considered having more of a relationship between the singer and the love interest? Not that they are former lovers or anything, but something more than total strangers? From the lyric, all I can tell for sure is that he saw her one time on the street, and she didn’t even look his way. Seems like too much of a stretch for that one passing moment to lead to all the emotion in this song. Maybe they are friends or tried to make a go of a relationship or something. I think that’d make it more believable that he feels this much for her.
Just my two cents. Hope it helps. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
November 14, 2017
No members have liked this comment.