Phillip Lemmonds

In theory, writing a song about how you love somebody despite all of their faults sounds like a good idea.  In reality, it can be tough to pull off.

I wrote a similar song once before.  Showed the lyrics to a writing friend and first thing they said was “what is her redeeming quality?” And I couldn’t tell them!  In other words, what attracted you to her in the first place?  In your song, why did you marry her?  Was it her eyes, her smile, her caring nature?  There has to be a reason and WE NEED TO KNOW to make the song believable.

You almost lost my attention in the first line with the phrase “cold as ice”.  It’s a cliche and has been used too many times.  Come up with something new, like “carved from ice”.

Musically, it’s nothing groundbreaking, but the old blues chord progression has a familiar sound and puts the listener into the swing of the song.

I believe you can make the song better, so keep writing!

Phillip

Robert Lloyd

Thanks Phillip! I have to think hard about your issue of whether I should have explained to the listener what is was about the woman to make him marry her in the first place. I feel if I did it would have defeated the whole song. The whole song, not just a part, is about the odd chemistry between two people. I wonder how many people reading have experienced this in their lifetime, someone that they have nothing in common with, the person is repulsive to their way of thinking, and yet they are somehow attracted to the person.

I feel if I would tell the listener why he married her outside of “he is crazy about her”, it would be like a comedian telling an audience the punchline to a joke before telling the joke.

Thanks again Phillip. I loved the feedback and it got me thinking.

Phillip Lemmonds

I didn’t know Robert, it’s like something is missing and I’m wanting more.  I still don’t know why you’d want to be with her, or why she would be with you after saying such awful things about her.  You say she’s a hard habit to break…well, why?  You pack your bags and leave for a day or two, but you come back… why?  Using your comedy analogy, to me it’s like the comedian telling the joke, but never giving the punch line. 

Looking at it from a different perspective, if you don’t know why you love her, why not just say that!  End each verse, or have a short pre-chorus, with “I don’t know why”.  Drop the “but” at the beginning of the chorus and the “I don’t know why” fits much better.

Random thoughts…

Phillip

Robert Lloyd

aha… a pre chorus!!!! now that’s thinking. Thanks for sticking with me and not being offended by me defending my way I did it. Cool brother… and I wish more people would chime in and either confirm your suspicion or tell me I’m not crazy! LOL I’m going to do everything I can to get people more active in here as Brent pleads with everyone to start giving feedback. This site of Brent’s will only be a good as we make it.

Thanks my friend.

Graham Donahue

I think I agree with Philip. There needs to be a reason why you would stay with her.

Maybe you could have a bridge where there is a plot twist and you talk about all of YOUR problems and, how the fact that she deals with your’s makes you overlook hers.

I don’t know, but I think it could use some work. It is a good starting point though!

Robert Lloyd

Thanks Graham and Phillip… appreciate your concerns. I still feel that to go further and explain in detail why someone would marry that person would take away the idea and guts of the song.And thanks for taking the time to give me feedback here. It makes me look closer and closer. And I wonder if why I don’t get what you two are saying is because I am too close to it? Could be. Thanks.

Phillip Lemmonds

It’s your song and you’re welcome to do with it as you please.  All I’m saying is I think the song could be better.

I challenge you to scrap the current verses and rewrite them in a softer tone with a positive slant.  Instead of saying she’s ugly, say something like “She’s no Beauty Queen but I think she’s a beaut”, and instead of saying “she’s a bit overweight and has a big ol’ bum”, maybe something like “she’s a bit on the heavy, gives me more to squeeze”.

In other words, tell us why you like every fault she has.  Nobody’s perfect, and loving someone else’s faults makes for a much better song in my opinion.

Phillip

Robert Lloyd

Hi Phil…

I write and produce at such a pace I cannot go back on a song as I had wrote it and recorded it some years ago. I have to always move forward and just learn from a review for the next time I write.

I think on this one there is just a differing appeal and style of writing here. I would prefer not to soften the lyrics as they are crude and in one’s face by design. I would doubt in this politically correct world this could get cut anyway, but in the past someone like Bobby Bare did a song like this called “10” if I remember the title right. Or at least it was about rating a woman from a bar fly’s perspective.

Thanks for the feedback.

Corey Bourque

i hear swamp pop in this song it works
would go over good here im hearing something crazy in the production but i like the song
fun lol

Robert Lloyd

Thanks Corey… “Swamp pop”??? LOL