A playful love song comparing playing in a park with loving someone
Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
David,
This is a fun song and song idea, I feel the merry go round does have a catch to it! I think Brent has great points. It felt a little long but overall it is really good! I liked the layout and flow of the song!
May 15, 2017
Brent,
Thank you for the critique, I appreciate it and it is spot on. I agree with you and actually had decided to cut the last verse before I posted the song but did not have a new audio so posted it as it was first recorded. 
You confirmed my decision. Thanks again
Amber,
Thank you for listening and I’m glad you liked it. I’m cutting the last verse and this will shorten the time
May 17, 2017
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When I’m with you it’s like playing in the park
I love to swing on the strings of your heart
Slide into your arms hold you so tight
Kiss you darling till the dawn’s early light
CHORUS
Love is like a merry-go-round
Truer love, we never found
Around, around, around and around
On our love-go-round
Watching the stars and following our dreams
Dancin’ hand in hand on the moonbeams
Time stands still only love we express
Heaven I feel in your loving caress
CHORUS
You touch my soul and we’re floating high above
Somewhere over the rainbow of Love
I knew that love could really be true
When I was falling in love with you
CHORUS
Let’s bring back those memories go to the park
Swing you darling on the strings of my heart
Slide into your arms, hold you so tight
Kiss you darling till the dawn’s early light
CHORUS
OUTRO: on our love, on our love, on our love-go-round
© 2017 Lyrics by David A. Pritchett / Music by Jeff Wisnom (Singer)
1
Hey, David! Thanks for sharing your work in progress! I hope we can help shape it into something that makes you proud.
I guess one thing that threw me is that you start off with the simile - her love is LIKE playing in the park. Then the rest of the song goes along, and it’s all positive. Then, in the final verse, you’re talking about bringing back those memories and going back to the park. That verse makes it sound like the fire’s started to go out and you want to rekindle it. (Which is a fine, truthful sentiment for many people- but you don’t set this up earlier in the song.) Plus, it goes from a metaphorical park to a literal one. I guess you haven’t “earned” the final verse by setting it up. It’s a sudden left turn to evoke rekindling a love, when everything has been so good up until then.
I get that you might mean that things are still great and you just want to revisit past greatness, but that’s not my initial impression.
I hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
May 14, 2017
1
David,
This is a fun song and song idea, I feel the merry go round does have a catch to it! I think Brent has great points. It felt a little long but overall it is really good! I liked the layout and flow of the song!
May 15, 2017
0
Brent,
Thank you for the critique, I appreciate it and it is spot on. I agree with you and actually had decided to cut the last verse before I posted the song but did not have a new audio so posted it as it was first recorded. You confirmed my decision. Thanks again
Amber,
Thank you for listening and I’m glad you liked it. I’m cutting the last verse and this will shorten the time
May 17, 2017
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Brent Baxter
Hey, David! Thanks for sharing your work in progress! I hope we can help shape it into something that makes you proud.
I guess one thing that threw me is that you start off with the simile - her love is LIKE playing in the park. Then the rest of the song goes along, and it’s all positive. Then, in the final verse, you’re talking about bringing back those memories and going back to the park. That verse makes it sound like the fire’s started to go out and you want to rekindle it. (Which is a fine, truthful sentiment for many people- but you don’t set this up earlier in the song.) Plus, it goes from a metaphorical park to a literal one. I guess you haven’t “earned” the final verse by setting it up. It’s a sudden left turn to evoke rekindling a love, when everything has been so good up until then.
I get that you might mean that things are still great and you just want to revisit past greatness, but that’s not my initial impression.
I hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
May 14, 2017