This is in the perspective of a man who understand that on the service he may not be the fairy tale husband that his wife may have dreamed about, but deep down he loves her unconditionally and will give his whole heart to her.
This is not a full track, it only consists of just a verse and a chorus. I have been struggling with finishing this for some time. I like the feeling of the song, but am struggling with the rest of the lyrics and story.
I have attached the lyrics if it helps you follow along.
Again, any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Dick, Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. what you posted above, is exactly what we are aiming for.
This Track is about 6 years old (around the last time I really wrote anything) so I am excited to break out the pen and papers and answer some of these questions. This was great feedback for me, and you are the first person to give me any professional critique and it is motivating.
I will be sure to post a re-worked version of this onto Frettie for further critique! If not the track, perhaps just the lyrics.
June 09, 2013
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I agree with Dick about the chorus. I enjoyed it! The title lines, in particular, are clever and work as a great theme. The song could definitely benefit from a more concrete narrative on the verses, though. You’ll really have something when you work out the details of the story with the questions above.
The whole concept of the guy baring his soul and not hiding the fact that he’s just a general mess when they meet is really intriguing. It brings a good amount of honesty to the song. You can build something great on that. Definitely go ahead and post the whole track when you finish reworking it—I’d love to hear it!
June 12, 2013
Thanks for the feedback Caryn! I’m going to spend some time re-working this very soon, and I look forward to what comes out of it. Thanks guys for all the help so far!
June 12, 2013
No members have liked this comment.
I think this is a good beginning and is certainly a starting point of a good story. What I am most impressed with is Dick’s feedback! You could write a dozen songs just answering the questions he posted. His approach is one that will work with even the vaguest concept and I plan on incorporating it immediately! Thanks for the great site!
January 22, 2014
Benny,
Thanks for taking the time to listen to my song and provide feedback. I agree 100% with you in regards to these questions Dick laid out above. They really opened my eyes to really building a story vs. just stringing some lyrics together on paper.
I am glad you see value in the site! I appreciate your involvement for sure.
January 22, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
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Verse:
You walked into my life when I was down on my luck.
Drinking hard whiskey and smoking cheap cigarettes.
You looked at me from across the room, and I just knew,
you were sent from the heavens above to come and rescue me.
Chorus:
I never claimed to be a knight in shining armor
I never read a Shakespeare play
But just as the saying goes time and time again
what you see is what you get
what I have to give you is everything.
1
Dennis,
First let me comment that what you are doing with Frettie is commendable. I hope it gets huge and is successful for you and co creators.
I like your chorus lyric and think it has potential. But - I think you really need an interesting story to support it (or for it to support depending on your perspective). I think if ask yourself some of the following questions, you might come up with an angle that works and is interesting.
In what ways could one human actually rescue another?
What actions or support could actually draw someone out of despair and serve to change them?
What would look like help to a troubled person?
What other interesting funks (besides whiskey and cigarettes, which are kind of cliche) might a human be in?
Generally, be specific with examples, find a different perspective for familiar problems, and paint a picture of the situation versus just saying something like “she rescued me”.
I hope this is helpful. And - I hope this is what Frettie is going to lead to (detailed critiques).
Good luck and good start.
June 09, 2013
0
Dick, Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. what you posted above, is exactly what we are aiming for.
This Track is about 6 years old (around the last time I really wrote anything) so I am excited to break out the pen and papers and answer some of these questions. This was great feedback for me, and you are the first person to give me any professional critique and it is motivating.
I will be sure to post a re-worked version of this onto Frettie for further critique! If not the track, perhaps just the lyrics.
June 09, 2013
1
I agree with Dick about the chorus. I enjoyed it! The title lines, in particular, are clever and work as a great theme. The song could definitely benefit from a more concrete narrative on the verses, though. You’ll really have something when you work out the details of the story with the questions above.
The whole concept of the guy baring his soul and not hiding the fact that he’s just a general mess when they meet is really intriguing. It brings a good amount of honesty to the song. You can build something great on that. Definitely go ahead and post the whole track when you finish reworking it—I’d love to hear it!
June 12, 2013
0
Thanks for the feedback Caryn! I’m going to spend some time re-working this very soon, and I look forward to what comes out of it. Thanks guys for all the help so far!
June 12, 2013
1
I think this is a good beginning and is certainly a starting point of a good story. What I am most impressed with is Dick’s feedback! You could write a dozen songs just answering the questions he posted. His approach is one that will work with even the vaguest concept and I plan on incorporating it immediately! Thanks for the great site!
January 22, 2014
0
Benny,
Thanks for taking the time to listen to my song and provide feedback. I agree 100% with you in regards to these questions Dick laid out above. They really opened my eyes to really building a story vs. just stringing some lyrics together on paper.
I am glad you see value in the site! I appreciate your involvement for sure.
January 22, 2014
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Dick Plunk
Dennis,
First let me comment that what you are doing with Frettie is commendable. I hope it gets huge and is successful for you and co creators.
I like your chorus lyric and think it has potential. But - I think you really need an interesting story to support it (or for it to support depending on your perspective). I think if ask yourself some of the following questions, you might come up with an angle that works and is interesting.
In what ways could one human actually rescue another?
What actions or support could actually draw someone out of despair and serve to change them?
What would look like help to a troubled person?
What other interesting funks (besides whiskey and cigarettes, which are kind of cliche) might a human be in?
Generally, be specific with examples, find a different perspective for familiar problems, and paint a picture of the situation versus just saying something like “she rescued me”.
I hope this is helpful. And - I hope this is what Frettie is going to lead to (detailed critiques).
Good luck and good start.
June 09, 2013