Hi Dick,
thanks a lot for your feedback, appreciate it! I know exactly what you mean. I get stuck too easily, I think, falling back on predictable harmonies and going for repetition instead of taking it up another notch. Any concrete advice on how to avoid these traps? Anyone? 
February 19, 2014
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Ralf,
I really like you style man. Kudos 
I don’t think the one stanza that repeats necessarily has to be your chorus. I could see the chorus as the “when you call, when you call, when you call” that you have in the beginning before the groove really hits. I think re-simplifying the music after a couple/few stanzas here and there and repeating that part again would make it stand out, and it would be memorable because it’s only three words! You could even sing it an octave higher to give it “oomph”.
Is this your final product or are you considering revising and recording again? If not, I think it’s pretty awesome as-is. I’d definitely put it on my playlist.
Great job!
Lach
February 19, 2014
Hi Ralf
I liked this song a lot - nice vocals and arrangement! As far as the instrumentation - I liked a lot of it but some of it had a bit too much “Classic clean” 80’s synth sound for my tastes that sounded a little dated - I think it could maybe be a little gritter in spots and maybe have a bit more “real” instruments in it - but that’s nit-picking - I liked the song!
February 20, 2014
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Lach,
thanks for your feedback! I wouldn’t consider any of my songs to be ‘final’ (there’s be no point in asking for feedback, right? well, other than narcissistic fishing for compliments, but I’m not into fishing, hehe). Not sure how I could turn the “when you call, when you call, when you call” part into a chorus, though. I think I know what you mean by re-simplifying, though—especially lyrically. I get all Alanis-Morissettey at times. (haha, just found this by randomly googling: http://brunching.com/toys/toy-alanislyrics.html)
Then again, I wonder if it actually needs the extra “oomph”. I know it won’t win the tiara at a beauty pageant the way it is now, but that’s fine (well, I guess everyone would say that about their kid, right? I dunno. Let’s see what she grows up to be.)
February 20, 2014
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Hi Don, thank for your critique! Glad you like the song. I understand that the instrumentation sounds dated to you—and it IS. I really lve synths, though—especially old analogue ones. For the most part it’s an ‘82 roland juno-60 and a ‘92 korg wavestation (digital, but I love the wave sequencing concept) in this case. so no ‘real’ instruments were harmed in the recording of this song. 
If we should ever record this properly, I’d like to go for a more organic sound, though. I understand that the sound’s a bit aseptic as it is.
February 20, 2014
No members have liked this comment.
No members have liked this comment.
Oh, in case you’re interested, I edited a video for it. All the footage is taken from one obscure 80s art porn I stumbled upon (haha, “how do you stumble upon an obscure 80s art porn?” you might ask, and quite rightfully so…) called falconhead II. It fits quite well, though, I think. https://vimeo.com/69918650
February 20, 2014
Very interesting song. Well written. Has a “Doors” sound to it. I agree with Dick that there needs to be a distinctive musical difference between the verses and the chorus. Otherwise a good song.
February 24, 2014
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When you call
Said you wanna be lazy
Said you wanna be maybe
Careless after all
When you call
You always cover your traces
How could I ever mistake this
For a high worth the fall
When you call, when you call, when you call
When you call
I couldn't ever be like you
How could you ever be like me
Take me, hurt me, all along
When you call
And I'm a hapless romantic
It's when you're up to your antics
That I'm frantically enthralled
When you call
Lights picking you up
Life's taking you under
When you call
I'm bearing my cross
Go and carry your own
Oh, when you call
Who'd have us blessed
But the meek and the crazy
Oh, when you call
Who will take your side
When your back's to the wall
When you call
I can't avert my eyes
When you draw the blinds,
There's no taking flight, no more alibis
Oh, when you call
And I'm torn asunder
Every time that you wander
Off in the dark with nowhere to go
When you call
Can't get off your love
I beg you, replace me
When you call
Won't suffer your loss
Go and claim what's your own
Oh, when you call
Who'd have us blessed
But the meek and the crazy
Oh, when you call
Who'll have your back
When your back's to the wall
1
Ralf,
This is really cool. I love your production and your mysterious, clever lyrics. My only critique point is that I don’t think your chorus (at least, I think the “meek and the crazy” part is a chorus) provides enough of a musical differentiation from your verses. Because of the length of this song and the slow, languid feel of the verses, I think it needs a distinctive break, musically, every now and then (i.e.: a distinctive chorus)
Cool song!
February 19, 2014
0
Hi Dick,
thanks a lot for your feedback, appreciate it! I know exactly what you mean. I get stuck too easily, I think, falling back on predictable harmonies and going for repetition instead of taking it up another notch. Any concrete advice on how to avoid these traps? Anyone?
February 19, 2014
1
Ralf,
I really like you style man. Kudos
I don’t think the one stanza that repeats necessarily has to be your chorus. I could see the chorus as the “when you call, when you call, when you call” that you have in the beginning before the groove really hits. I think re-simplifying the music after a couple/few stanzas here and there and repeating that part again would make it stand out, and it would be memorable because it’s only three words! You could even sing it an octave higher to give it “oomph”.
Is this your final product or are you considering revising and recording again? If not, I think it’s pretty awesome as-is. I’d definitely put it on my playlist.
Great job!
Lach
February 19, 2014
0
Hi Ralf
I liked this song a lot - nice vocals and arrangement! As far as the instrumentation - I liked a lot of it but some of it had a bit too much “Classic clean” 80’s synth sound for my tastes that sounded a little dated - I think it could maybe be a little gritter in spots and maybe have a bit more “real” instruments in it - but that’s nit-picking - I liked the song!
February 20, 2014
0
Lach,
thanks for your feedback! I wouldn’t consider any of my songs to be ‘final’ (there’s be no point in asking for feedback, right? well, other than narcissistic fishing for compliments, but I’m not into fishing, hehe). Not sure how I could turn the “when you call, when you call, when you call” part into a chorus, though. I think I know what you mean by re-simplifying, though—especially lyrically. I get all Alanis-Morissettey at times. (haha, just found this by randomly googling: http://brunching.com/toys/toy-alanislyrics.html)
Then again, I wonder if it actually needs the extra “oomph”. I know it won’t win the tiara at a beauty pageant the way it is now, but that’s fine (well, I guess everyone would say that about their kid, right? I dunno. Let’s see what she grows up to be.)
February 20, 2014
0
Hi Don, thank for your critique! Glad you like the song. I understand that the instrumentation sounds dated to you—and it IS. I really lve synths, though—especially old analogue ones. For the most part it’s an ‘82 roland juno-60 and a ‘92 korg wavestation (digital, but I love the wave sequencing concept) in this case. so no ‘real’ instruments were harmed in the recording of this song.
If we should ever record this properly, I’d like to go for a more organic sound, though. I understand that the sound’s a bit aseptic as it is.
February 20, 2014
1
Oh, in case you’re interested, I edited a video for it. All the footage is taken from one obscure 80s art porn I stumbled upon (haha, “how do you stumble upon an obscure 80s art porn?” you might ask, and quite rightfully so…) called falconhead II. It fits quite well, though, I think. https://vimeo.com/69918650
February 20, 2014
0
Very interesting song. Well written. Has a “Doors” sound to it. I agree with Dick that there needs to be a distinctive musical difference between the verses and the chorus. Otherwise a good song.
February 24, 2014
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Dick Plunk
Ralf,
This is really cool. I love your production and your mysterious, clever lyrics. My only critique point is that I don’t think your chorus (at least, I think the “meek and the crazy” part is a chorus) provides enough of a musical differentiation from your verses. Because of the length of this song and the slow, languid feel of the verses, I think it needs a distinctive break, musically, every now and then (i.e.: a distinctive chorus)
Cool song!
February 19, 2014