glen king

Wayne: Nice easy feel to this. I would like to have heard the chorus go to a different place musically, as it seems on the same level as the verses. I think the bridge is off putting lyrically.  Alienates the listener.  Believe there are good bones to this with some rewrites.  Good luck with it.  Glen.

Charlie Jacob

Wayne,

First, did you consider who your audience is? Did you ask yourself who wants to hear your song? You say…you don’t understand. I guess you’re right. I don’t understand. I’m not sure who would. Possibly, try to make us understand. If no one can understand…. no one can empathize.

Personally, I’ve never considered taking off with my tooth brush. Nothing really strikes a chord with me. I can’t embrace your storyline.

Is there a strong hook you could come up with? I realize it’s not easy to come up with something new.

Very memorable are: Take This Job and Shove It. Here’ a Quarter…Call Someone Who Cares, Working 9 to 5

I’m a senior citizen. I remember a song by the Hollies. It says, “but in the 5 o’clock world when the whistle blows…no one owns a piece of my time.” The song is Bus Stop

Very different slant, but Willie Nelson has On The Road, Again. In it, he makes the road sound like a great place. “Just can’t wait…to get back on the road, again.

Is there a way to make the song HUMOROUS? I would never say, “Take This Job and Shove IT.” However, I do “understand.”

Any way to wind up sharing the tooth brush? Gross…yes! Might be funny. Search til you find someone willing to be laid back, and share the tooth brush. OKAY…I know. That’s ridiculous. Still, you gotta make me understand. You gotta get me to be sympathetic.

I’d suggest you try to find a strong hook.

Dennis Field

Wayne,

I too like the overall feel to this song. I could see a tad bit more “edge” somewhere in the song though to make it more memorable, and maybe pull me into the song a bit more. Make me feel that “Time to hit the road”

Thanks for sharing and hope my feedback was helpful.

Mary Segato

Hi Wayne, I like the feel of this song and there is great instrumentation also. I do think you could re-visit your lyrics and maybe expand on your original idea to engage the listener more. I have gone back and totally re-written a song with a different subject matter altogether and come away much happier, not saying you need to change the subject matter, but sometimes just sitting on a song and coming back helps.  Best of Luck with it

Don Nelson

Hi
Nice lilting vibe to the song - but as some have said above i didn’t find the lyrics that engaging - maybe the chorus could go to a minor chord on “understand” to add some shadow to the song and maybe at each chorus iteration what you “gab” can change - from a toothbrush to a bottle or some car keys or maybe a lover’s hand?Just a thought! Still - nice melody!

Phillip Steven Rowe

Hi Wayne
Lovely laid back feel, and good instrumentation. Like some above, I feel the chorus needs to lift a little, just to make it stand out a bit more, without losing the easy vibe of the song. Enjoyed it though, hope this helps.
Peace, Phillip

Brian Smith

Wayne,
Unfortunately I can’t get my computer to play any songs on Frettie so I can’t comment on the melody.  As for the lyrics I agree with Glen, the bridge is off putting to the listener as it appears to talk directly to the listener in a negative way.  Maybe something more like “no one has the right to tell me how to think” would be less negative to the listener.  Some good bones but perhaps needs some more fleshing out in the verses as Charlie indicates.  Wish I could hear the melody.  Good luck with it.
Brian

Robert Markham

Hi Wayne.  So sorry it took me so long in getting back to you.  I really like the folk feel of this song.  I agree with some of the other comments in that a little different arrangement around the chorus would definitely take the song to a different level.  It is pretty similar to the versus.  Good instrumentation though.  Good job!!!