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This is just a simple guitar and vocal recording of my song Broken.
Looking for any feedback on improvements on structure, lyrics, melody, etc. I want to make sure it's right before I put any money into a demo. Thanks in advance for listening.
Hey Michael, Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me some feedback.
In V2 when I said “If I had it all to do again, I’d come running back” I meant that even though things are so bad I’d do it all again because I love her so much. I guess that didn’t really come across the way I meant it to.
You have some great suggestions here and I’ll go back and rework some things to make it all fit together better.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your time.
October 28, 2019
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Broken
Verse 1
There was a time when you’d laugh at all my jokes, and everything I had was enough to hold you close
Now you’re staring out the window searching for something else, and I’ve come to know my place back here on the shelf
Verse 2
I love you more than anything I know you know that, and If I had to do it all again I’d come running back
Where we go from here is all up to you, I’ve tried, I’ve tried and I’ve tried but I’m not getting through
Bridge
Reach out and I’ll pull you through to the other side
Can you feel it now, this isn’t like the last time
Chorus
Girl I know you’re broken
Shattered right on through
You feel like there’s nothing you can do
My heart knows just what you’re going through
Cause I’m broken too
Verse 3
Looking at all these empty bottles filled with tears, I can’t help but think of that smile I haven’t seen in years
I don’t know what got us here but it don’t matter now, I can see it in your eyes that you have your doubts
Bridge
Reach out and I’ll pull you through to the other side
Can you feel it now, this isn’t like the last time
Chorus
Girl I know you’re broken
Shattered right on through
You feel like there’s nothing you can do
My heart knows just what you’re going through
Cause I’m broken too
0
I like the tone of this and the overall feel and way the hook works.
My issue is more with not knowing where I am at any given time. That is… in V1, she’s apparently with him (Now you’re staring out the window/I’m on the shelf).
In V2, “If I had it all to do again, I’d come running back” feels like it was his fault she moved on, which V1 seems to contradict.
In the lift, again, the nature of the relationship shifts to the idea that she might be changing her mind… but we don’t know why.
My only other nit is that you didn’t really earn the hook/chorus in the verses. You start out toward something with V1, that she’s just generally unsatisfied with some unknown thing. I think that’s really powerful and real. I want more exploration of him feeling like he’s doing all he can (and all she should want) and struggling watching her chase something that might be lesser. Just a thought!
Enjoyed listening! best of luck with it.
October 28, 2019
0
Hey Michael, Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me some feedback.
In V2 when I said “If I had it all to do again, I’d come running back” I meant that even though things are so bad I’d do it all again because I love her so much. I guess that didn’t really come across the way I meant it to.
You have some great suggestions here and I’ll go back and rework some things to make it all fit together better.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your time.
October 28, 2019
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Michael Parker
I like the tone of this and the overall feel and way the hook works.
My issue is more with not knowing where I am at any given time. That is… in V1, she’s apparently with him (Now you’re staring out the window/I’m on the shelf).
In V2, “If I had it all to do again, I’d come running back” feels like it was his fault she moved on, which V1 seems to contradict.
In the lift, again, the nature of the relationship shifts to the idea that she might be changing her mind… but we don’t know why.
My only other nit is that you didn’t really earn the hook/chorus in the verses. You start out toward something with V1, that she’s just generally unsatisfied with some unknown thing. I think that’s really powerful and real. I want more exploration of him feeling like he’s doing all he can (and all she should want) and struggling watching her chase something that might be lesser. Just a thought!
Enjoyed listening! best of luck with it.
October 28, 2019
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