Move Tonight is a song about a friendship taken unexpectedly to the next level.
I would like feedback on lyrics and melody and Pop/Top 40 appeal.
Thanks for your feedback, Phillip!
I figure the F word can be bleeped out (I already have a clean version) or if it actually gets picked up by someone the lyric can change. But I like it.
Also might be interested to take the And out and see how it sounds.
Thank you!
Micky
July 16, 2017
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Hey, Micky! Welcome to Frettie, and thanks for sharing your music with us! Yes, dropping the “F-bomb” will limit you with radio, etc. But it IS how a lot of people talk, and it fits the lyric, phrasing, etc. So you have to weigh the pros and cons.
Overall, I dig the few of the song. I like the title- interesting, but doesn’t give it away at all.
I was thrown by the first 4 lines. I didn’t know what was going on. Really, you could drop those lines altogether and just launch right into the story.
“I think it started with an innocent Hi…” Is a pretty good first line, and it would allow you to get to the chorus faster.
Hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 16, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
No members have liked this comment.
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And I wanna know what happened that day
I never saw it coming, no.
And all the events that led up to the night
when you got me alone
I think it started with an innocent Hi
But a dangerous tone
And then as we drank our way into the night
I could feel it was more
We were on the rooftop smoking up
Eventually we're high as fuck
I was joking I was gonna jump
You didn't even see me
You were playing make believe
And sat there telling everybody that you weren't drunk
I just keep on thinking that I want to spend tonight with you
But I'll never get the courage I'll wait here for you to make the move
Even though it's against the rules
(Even though it's against the rules)
Chorus:
I wanna tell you that I want you
But I'm afraid that you'll believe me
I wanna tell you that I want you
But I'm afraid that you'll believe me
Cuz all I really wanna do is hold you
And all I really want is for the night
But I don't wanna tell you
cuz I'm afraid you might believe me
And make a move tonight
The next thing I know
You were hanging on
You were hanging on to me
Dragging me down the stairs
You were pulling me, pulling me
I was acting like I didn't give a damn
The whispers saying
"Oh My God I think they're holding hands"
And I was in heaven
It was like the best dream
I was so afraid of waking up and being alone with me
I was taking it in as you were spinning me around
You were dragging me to your bed
Kept on dragging me dragging me down
I just keep on thinking that I wanna spend tonight with you
But we're running out of time it's almost light
Come on and make the move
Even though it's against the rules
I'm right here come on and make a move
Chorus repeats until the end.
1
I think your cutting yourself off at the knees by including the F word in the lyrics, as radio stations won’t be able to play it. Satellite radio could still play it, but you’re potentially losing a bigger audience. I think I’d also change the “didn’t give a damn” phrase. Parents don’t want their teenage girls listening to such stuff and that’s a big audience for top 40.
Lyrically, the first line of a song should never start with “And”. Writers tend to use words like “and”, “but”, and “that” as filler words to keep the melody timing, but they don’t add anything to the meaning of the lyric. A better first line would be “I wanna know what happened to us that day”. So, always watch your use of and’s and but’s. Ask yourself if the line is better if you dropped them. I think you’ve got a couple too many right now. You might need to add another syllable to the line for timing.
Musically, I like it!
Phillip
July 16, 2017
0
Thanks for your feedback, Phillip!
I figure the F word can be bleeped out (I already have a clean version) or if it actually gets picked up by someone the lyric can change. But I like it.
Also might be interested to take the And out and see how it sounds.
Thank you!
Micky
July 16, 2017
0
Hey, Micky! Welcome to Frettie, and thanks for sharing your music with us! Yes, dropping the “F-bomb” will limit you with radio, etc. But it IS how a lot of people talk, and it fits the lyric, phrasing, etc. So you have to weigh the pros and cons.
Overall, I dig the few of the song. I like the title- interesting, but doesn’t give it away at all.
I was thrown by the first 4 lines. I didn’t know what was going on. Really, you could drop those lines altogether and just launch right into the story.
“I think it started with an innocent Hi…” Is a pretty good first line, and it would allow you to get to the chorus faster.
Hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 16, 2017
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Phillip Lemmonds
I think your cutting yourself off at the knees by including the F word in the lyrics, as radio stations won’t be able to play it. Satellite radio could still play it, but you’re potentially losing a bigger audience. I think I’d also change the “didn’t give a damn” phrase. Parents don’t want their teenage girls listening to such stuff and that’s a big audience for top 40.
Lyrically, the first line of a song should never start with “And”. Writers tend to use words like “and”, “but”, and “that” as filler words to keep the melody timing, but they don’t add anything to the meaning of the lyric. A better first line would be “I wanna know what happened to us that day”. So, always watch your use of and’s and but’s. Ask yourself if the line is better if you dropped them. I think you’ve got a couple too many right now. You might need to add another syllable to the line for timing.
Musically, I like it!
Phillip
July 16, 2017