This is another song from my band's forthcoming EP (it's planned to be the closing track, I did the final mix on this song tonight). I had the music for close to a year before I finally settled on a lyric, which took one night to write.
Keep in mind, being that this is for my band's EP, it's already set in stone. I'm sure other songwriters might have different ideas, though!
CJ,
I like the lyrics and the song. However I do feel that are places where the flow of the lyrics could be improved. They read well on paper but when I listened to the song as I read the lyrics, there were lines that to me needed to be shortened for the sake of the song.
Example
Instead you threw a smokescreen, but I saw through your haze
The thing that caught ear in the original line at least the way it was sang was that ‘but i’ felt rushed. Is the person who is singing this version the final vocalist?
You always eviscerate me every chance you get
i would drop the always
You eviscerate me every chance you get
Too bad it is set in stone. I feel the song could be better with a few more tweaks.
Anyway these are my opinions and not personal.
Take it easy.
Brian
May 15, 2017
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VERSE ONE
I once believed that you’d support me through and through
That you’d be by my side in everything I do
I shared with you my goals in life and you agreed
But now you’ve turned your back the moment I’m in need
CHORUS ONE
You made a promise, said you’d never run and hide
Now the goal’s in sight, but your vows are out of mind
I thought your words were pure and honest in all ways
Instead you threw a smokescreen, but I saw through your haze
Now all your token gestures are empty words to me
And all your token gestures do nothing to help me
VERSE TWO
Now every time you speak, I read between the lines
And I’ve reanalyzed those once treasured good times
You say I should hold back and set some lower goals
How dare you say that kind of shit to try and break my soul
CHORUS TWO
You try to hold me back because you fear big change ahead
The partner I thought who cared is now a stranger instead
You always eviscerate me every chance you get
But I’ll be damned if you destroy my self-respect
Now all your token gestures are empty words to me
And all your token gestures do nothing to help me
BRIDGE
You knew from day one just what kind of man that I wanted to be
But now I look back and see
That since that day you’ve always tried to alter me
But all that’s gonna change is where you’ll be if you can’t stand beside me
VERSE THREE
There’s more to love and support than some insincere turn of phrase
That’s why I’m not afraid to break free from your selfish ways
And when that time does come, you’ll claim that it’s a mistake
But the only mistake I can see is if I don’t make my escape
CHORUS THREE
I’ve got my stars in hand and with you I thought I’d share
But why would I do that now for someone that doesn’t care?
All you ask of me these days isn’t good for us at all
Instead of rising with me, you’re headed for a fall
‘Cause all your token gestures are selfish lies to me
(And) all your token gestures are of no help to me
CODA
All your token gestures are wasted breaths of air
All your token gestures just prove you never cared
All your token gestures aren’t worth the words you said
All your token gestures will no longer mess with my head
All your token gestures are meaningless to me
You can shove your token gestures…
©2017 Generic Yellow tBird Music (BMI)
1
Hi, CJ! Thanks for sharing your music with us! Now, you mentioned that this is already “set in stone,” so I’ll focus on some positives…
I like the title- I can’t think of another song with the same title. Also, it’s intriguing- makes me want to know what it’s about. Also, I like that the song has a lot of tempo and energy. It’s basically a complaint song, so adding tempo helps it come off less whiney. A ballad with the same lyrics would be way more weepy and whiney.
You did a good job of moving the story forward from V1 to V2 to V3. V1 is the past- the lies she told. V2 is the present- how you see her now. V3 looks to the future- to when you’ll leave.
Breaking up the journey this way gives each verse a purpose and helps keep the song from sitting in the same emotional place for too long. Plus, moving to “I’m going to leave you” is empowering, which also gives the singer some positive action or emotion. They’ve been done wrong, but you feel that they’re not gonna take it or that they’ll overcome.
Again, thanks for sharing. If this has been helpful, please pay it forward by leaving a comment or review on another writer’s song!
May 12, 2017
0
CJ,
I like the lyrics and the song. However I do feel that are places where the flow of the lyrics could be improved. They read well on paper but when I listened to the song as I read the lyrics, there were lines that to me needed to be shortened for the sake of the song.
Example
Instead you threw a smokescreen, but I saw through your haze
The thing that caught ear in the original line at least the way it was sang was that ‘but i’ felt rushed. Is the person who is singing this version the final vocalist?
You always eviscerate me every chance you get
i would drop the always
You eviscerate me every chance you get
Too bad it is set in stone. I feel the song could be better with a few more tweaks.
Anyway these are my opinions and not personal.
Take it easy.
Brian
May 15, 2017
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Brent Baxter
Hi, CJ! Thanks for sharing your music with us! Now, you mentioned that this is already “set in stone,” so I’ll focus on some positives…
I like the title- I can’t think of another song with the same title. Also, it’s intriguing- makes me want to know what it’s about. Also, I like that the song has a lot of tempo and energy. It’s basically a complaint song, so adding tempo helps it come off less whiney. A ballad with the same lyrics would be way more weepy and whiney.
You did a good job of moving the story forward from V1 to V2 to V3. V1 is the past- the lies she told. V2 is the present- how you see her now. V3 looks to the future- to when you’ll leave.
Breaking up the journey this way gives each verse a purpose and helps keep the song from sitting in the same emotional place for too long. Plus, moving to “I’m going to leave you” is empowering, which also gives the singer some positive action or emotion. They’ve been done wrong, but you feel that they’re not gonna take it or that they’ll overcome.
Again, thanks for sharing. If this has been helpful, please pay it forward by leaving a comment or review on another writer’s song!
May 12, 2017